AIBU to be p****** off with MIL

[Brighteyes27]

Lots of background to this but the latest is MIL tells me at the weekend as she is visiting her DD (DD has no family) over seas this Christmas. Supposedly MIL and my other SIL think we should all get together in December before she goes away. She said they have decided (between them) either we all go down to MIL (3 hours drive away for us) all stay in a hotel there and go out for a meal or we all go to SIL's 5 bed house (2.5 hours drive away for us). We can chose one of two weekends in December for the visit let her know and she will arrange it with my SIL and let us know. I wouldn't mind staying in a Premier Inn for 1 night in either location or a location mid way for us all and if we know now we could book and get a good deal. But basically AIBU to think the invite should come from SIL she is a busy woman, it is her home and not up to MIL to invite us to stay at SIL's. I wonder if she has engineered this situation to bully us all to meet up at the same time? Recently we had another cryptic invitation to stay at SIL's when MIL's daughter was visiting (again invite come from MIL) then it all went quiet and we had no idea what was happening. In the end DH spoke to his mum days before the event apparently MIL had made this suggestion but SIL hadn't said anything when she asked if we could stay so we had to see the family at another time. We could have booked a Premier Inn but communication all done by MIL!!! I get on with SIL but we're not massively close she works long hours and the main things we have in common is our gender, Manipulatice MIL, both have two kids and both love wine. She has a high powered full time job. I work pt and we have a lowly 3 bed semi. Both families have two children each. How shall I proceed so SIL knows we are not assuming we could stay there and so she knows it's not us pushing to meet up?

[BertrandRussell]

Ring your SIL and talk to her. Sorted.

[ImAMoving]

What Bertrand said

[DesignedForLife]

Agreed, talk to your sister in law. Doesn't take much to drop her a text.

[Brighteyes27]

I wish it was that simple. They moved house into their mansion recently and we don't have a landline number. Also we don't really keep in touch regularly and only see each other at family events. DH only speaks to his brother at family events all comms is done through MIL. I daren't ring her mobile as she works very long hours and is often away attending various business meetings and social functions. The last couple of times I have texted her to ask when she was free and when would be a good time to speak on the phone she always says a time then messages to postpone it as she is either extremely tired or busy with X Y Z.

[WorraLiberty]

Jesus, 'How shall I proceed'??

You pick up the phone like you should have done last time

[Planty18]

Yeah just call her and discuss or if you'd rather, text to say have heard we are all going to meet up, that will be lovely, mil mentioned either at hers or yours or would it be easier to book somewhere? That gives her the option to suggest a preference.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh just ring her mobile and leave a voice mail.

Honestly, it sounds as though you're making this sound way more difficult than it actually is.

I've a feeling the 'mansion' and your 'lowly 3 bedroom semi' has something to do with this too.

Why would you use such language to describe your house?

[Planty18]

Ok cross post. Definitely just text then asking what her preference would be, making it clear you are happy to book a hotel. She has time to text you back even if it's a week later, then it opens up communications.

[Brighteyes27]

Thanks planty I'll send her a DM on FB then not interrupting a meeting, children's bed times or important networking event.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Just be joyous mil is away for Christmas!!

[WorraLiberty]

Or drop her a quick email.

[botanically]

If she has an important thing to be doing her phone will be on silent and you can leave a voicemail. That's how phones work. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Brighteyes27]

I probably am over complicating it I just feel we are being dictated to. We just move in different circles. Ours is ours it's a nice lived in 3 bed semi. Theirs wouldn't be out of place in a celeb magazine. We certainly haven't got room to accommodate another 4 adults and 2 boys. If we stay in a hotel as a family it's Premier Inn we don't stay in a family suite costing £100's per night.

[butterfliesandzebras]

engineered this situation to bully us all to meet up at the same time

Seems like a very overdramatic way of looking at it. It's pretty normal for people to have a desire to get together their family, especially round Christmas, isn't it?

I certainly hope when my kids grow up if I suggest we all get together occasionally they won't regard it as 'bullying'.

Anyway, if your not sure if sil is onboard with you staying just call her up and say what you've said here, you're happy to stay in a hotel, mil has suggested you could stay at sil, but you wanted to check their were no crossed wires and that invite actually came from sil! As long as you emphasise being happy to stay else where and there being no pressure on her, I can't see the problem.

[Brighteyes27]

Thanks all off today and having an off day today it's so gloomy outside. Think i need cheering up.

[botanically]

I don't understand why you're so annoyed that they're trying to accommodate you. There are options - you're not being dictated to and told what to do. If you can't afford a hotel stay you can stay with SIL for free. If you don't feel comfortable staying with SIL because of your own anxieties about your perceived shortcomings then don't, but don't put the blame on them for the way YOU feel about them being better off than you.

If neither option suits you don't go?

[pictish]

Oh fgs - I assume sil has a phone and can speak.
There is no dilemma here, just a lack of common sense. Yours.

[butterfliesandzebras]

Cross posted with your update. If it's really that hard for you to call your sil, just go with the hotel option.

[pictish]

Fb message sounds like the ideal thing to do.

And mil is fine to want her family together before Christmas. It's not bullying.

[SuperFlyHigh]

agree with pictish etc this is normal of your MIL to want this to meet before Christmas!

just call/text/email SIL.

[DonaldStott]

Jeez. Over complicating much. You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder with your lowly house and sils celeb mansion and busy networking events. She's no better than you because she is wealthy.

[WorraLiberty]

Ours is ours it's a nice lived in 3 bed semi. Theirs wouldn't be out of place in a celeb magazine. We certainly haven't got room to accommodate another 4 adults and 2 boys.

No-one's asking you to accommodate them are they?

[LagunaBubbles]

You sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder with your lowly house and sils celeb mansion and busy networking events

Thats how it comes across to me to.

[dodobookends]

We often get presented with a fait accompli like this by DH's extended family. When we aren't able to go, we are made out to be the awkward, unreasonable ones (because they have gone to all the effort of organising it and inviting us and they have somehow bent over backwards to do so). Trouble is, they all talk to one another and arrange a date/place and 'forget' to include us in the planning stage or find out whether we are actually available. Gets on my wick something chronic.