Is it just me?

[Onefourseventwofivenine]

So, DD (9) has been asking to have her ears pierced since she was five. She finally wore me down and I said OK, but not until the beginning of the Christmas break. Since then, she hasn't stopped pushing to bring the date forward, pulling me into shops to look at earrings etc, she literally hasn't stopped. I get the excitement and all, but the stop button really needs to be pressed. So, tonight, I am going to my best friends party and DD is staying at her dads (a very rare occurrence). She is keeping the ear piercing a secret from him, because she is worried he might say no. I get increasingly hysterical texts from her about how her dad might look at her phone and she doesn't want him to in case he sees that she's getting her ears pierced. I then get texts from him, asking what she is sending to me. I give up, leave the party and go pick up my now hysterical nine-year-old from her dads. Apparently, they were watching a movie when she just started crying uncontrollably (she is a major drama queen). I wouldn't have gone but he sent a text saying 'What has she just texted you?' which made me think that he wasn't sitting there trying to calm her down, but had probably decamped to the garden and left her to get on with it. I know I'm not unreasonable to be pissed off with her (and no, she is now most definitely NOT getting her ears pierced) but AIBU to expect a grown man (her father) to deal with the situation? When I was leaving his house, he mouthed 'special' at me. DD does not have special needs; she simply has a tendency to overthink things. Her behaviour tonight was inexcusable, but she knows that.

[TowerRavenSeven]

I think he has the right to know. So yes Yabu.

At 9 that doesn't sound like just drama queen. Are you sure she doesn't have special needs?

[toastymarshmallow]

There has to be more to this. It is really not normal behaviour.

Firstly, she should not be keeping secrets from either of her parents. That kind of shit needs nipped in the bud.

Secondly, does she get fixated on things a lot? Does she get hysterical a lot?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

She's mastered manipulating the pair of you...

[HeathensRuleTheWorld]

Agree she / you shouldn't be keeping things like ear piercings from her dad/ your ex partner.

How do you expect him to deal with something he knows nothing about?

[Onefourseventwofivenine]

Both of us said she couldn't have her ears pierced until she was 12. I caved and said OK, she could have them done at the Christmas break, but don't tell Daddy (until I could have that conversation with him), I think that might have caused the tension. I honestly don't think she has special needs. Academically, she's top set for everything. She's incredibly stubborn and very focused on what she wants. I do worry about her empathy, but she's nine, I'm not sure a nine-year-old has a grasp on empathy?

[Sn0tnose]

I don't have children of my own, so I rarely, if ever, comment on parenting threads, unless it's something I can add to with experiences from caring for nieces, nephews etc, because what do I know? But this just makes me want to give her a hug and have a proper look at what is causing her to be such a 'major drama queen'.

He mouthed 'special' at you?! Jesus, she might be prone to dramatics but I don't blame the poor little love for worrying about her dad finding out about something that's clearly really important to her when his default reaction is to decamp to the garden before mouthing things like that to you. God help her if she ever does get diagnosed with any kind of condition, if that's the level of support she can expect!

It's rare that I think that parents on here are being too harsh. I completely understand that a post on here is just a snapshot of an often complicated situation, and a nine year old in hysterics over something that hasn't actually happened but the limited amount you've posted doesn't cover you or him in glory.

[toastymarshmallow]

Some adults don't have a grasp on empathy, but my 3 year old is empathetic, my 7 yo not so much. I don't think there is a right or wrong age, but it could be a concern as part of a larger picture.

She has taken your don't tell Daddy comment very literally and has worked herself into a tizzy about it. I think your wording could have been better, "let me speak to Daddy first" for example. But her reaction still seems a bit ott.

[MrsA2015]

Perhaps the notion of keeping a "big secret" from her father made her feel uncomfortable? I would have tried calming her down and explaining she wouldn't be in trouble with her father if he found out, since as a parent you agreed to her getting it done and that any disputes would be between you and him. Perhaps she was scared of being reprimanded for something she was genuinely excited about? Have you spoken to her regarding her hysterical outburst? Sounds like her overall excitement turned into anxiety. Wishing you the best outcome

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Right so you've told her she can have her ears pierced before she's 12 which is at odds with what you, xh and she agreed. She has to keep this secret from xh at your request?
And she's willful.

Grow up and own your 'caving in'. Don't ask a 9 year old to keep secrets from a parent. You both have responsibility and you have created a problem.
Maybe he meant special needs or special snowflake but you lost the moral highground first.
Sorry (genuinely) if that's harsh but we've had to deal with xsil's random decisions confusing dn.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

It's really not a good idea to ask her to keep secrets from her other parent. My ex does this to me, and it's upsetting and bad for the children involved.

[Onefourseventwofivenine]

toastymarshmallow, she spends most of her time with me, but sees her Daddy on a regular basis. She does get caught up on stuff, can be quite obsessive about it. She's above her age expectation for reading etc, and it never occurred to me that she might be anything other than a normal, slightly off beat kid.

[blankmind]

Best time for ear piercing is the start of the long summer holidays. That gives them a fighting chance to heal and for your dd to be able to remove and reinsert studs for PE.

[diddl]

Jeez!

I don't think that her Dad is the problem.

Why would you put such a big thing on her?

Why did you feed the drama with the texts though?

[PerspicaciaTick]

Why is she texting you updates about something which wasn't due to happen for 3.5months?

I have to admit that if DH dropped a near hysterical child with me, who was doing secret texting and becoming increasingly worked up (seemingly about being with me), then I would be worried (about her) and annoyed (not to have been warned/advised about what was happening).

I think whisking DD away with no explanation is really unfair on her dad - how can he make a plan for next time she visits if he doesn't know why this visit broke down.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Don't be ridiculous OP - vast numbers of MNers don't have children and they have always be an integral part of MN. You chose to post in AIBU and invite judgement from all and sundry, you could have picked the Parenting or Behaviour topics instead if you wanted a smaller, more targeted audience to respond.
Sn0tnose's reply is clearly carefully considered. Her advice to find out what is the underlying cause of your DD's distress is a good point.

[AverageGayLad]

I'm not even a woman, never mind a mother. I guess I should remove myself of this site sharpish???

With regards to your daughter, I feel bad for her. She was probably excited about her ears but knew she couldn't tell her dad, which may have upset her more and more when she thought about it. You do need to let him know what's going on though.

[BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington]

When I was leaving his house, he mouthed 'special' at me.

Well he sounds like a dick.

[BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington]

If you don't have children of your own, why are you on Mumsnet?

And to be fair, that's quite dickish as well.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Onefour, as Perspicacia said, there are loads of people on MN who are not parents. It's not for you to judge why they're here either.

Some people have very relevant professional experience which would make their contributions valuable to your thread, even if they don't have children of their own.

I do have children, as it happens - but neither of mine are relevant to your thread either. HOWEVER - my niece, may be. She is 12, very academically bright and does well at school - BUT she has very high anxiety and fixates strongly on things. She got a diagnosis of Asperger's when she was 8. Of course, this is no longer diagnosed separately (thanks DSM V! ) but is placed in the autistic spectrum now - but it is a possibility for your DD.
That level of hysteria, fixation, winding herself up, drama (niece is excellent at drama in all ways!) could very well be part of something, so it might be an idea to pull your head out of the sand and have an objective look at it as a possibility.

Stubbornness too - does she have very strong resistance to following simple commands? To the point where she will cry if forced? Because again, that could be "something" - a friend of mine has a daughter with PDA (pathological demand avoidance, not an easy diagnosis because, again, THANKS DSM V! ) and the behaviour management for PDA is very different from other forms of autistic spectrum conditions (ASC). Fixations are a large part of this condition too - especially inappropriate fixations on people or things.

I suggest you start looking at the possibility that your DD might actually not be entirely neurotypical (NT), despite her obvious brightness, as being bright is not incompatible with being on the autistic spectrum. But her behaviour is not necessarily within the normal range.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Not cool of you to ask her to keep it a secret from her father op - it's clearly caused her a lot of anxiety. Have the conversation with him.
I don't see the issue with her getting them pierced personally. She is old enough to know what is involved and that it will hurt a bit and they will need cleaning.
Not a fan of very young children getting them done but my dd who is the same age asked me and I said it was up to her and told her what was involved - she's decided shed rather not which is her decision. I think putting an arbitrary age on it is silly tbh. What will change when she is 12?

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Her father can't deal with "the situation" if he doesn't know what "the situation" is.

I don't think your daughter sounds mature enough for ear piercing at the mo. Maybe when she's 12.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Just to add as a parent of a child with asd I see nothing in what the op has written to suggest sn. The child had been told to keep a secret from her dad and became increasingly worried he might find out by looking at her phone. It's not a situation she should have been put in.

[Sn0tnose]

One I, along with many other childless people, are on Mumsnet because I came across a post one day which was completely unrelated to children and it seemed like a very interesting forum which covered a wide variety of subjects in a sensible manner. And lots of posters make me bellow with laughter. So I stayed. This point is made on quite a few posts, and there are normally several people that point out how many childless people there are on here.

And I feel I'm in a position to judge you and your ex because you've posted on a public forum, asking strangers on the Internet to judge whether you're being unreasonable about your ex's failure to deal with the situation. If you don't want to take what I've said on board, then just ignore it. I'll admit, I am losing sleep, but that has more to do with a bit of insomnia than us disagreeing over your reasonableness.