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AIBU about a holiday (EU FREE ZONE)

(124 Posts)
Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 14:48:12

Had a holiday booked for a few months. It's 1 week away in the UK.

DS (14) texts me from his dad's on sat night asking if we are free "X date to X date. His dad always has him for a week or so in the summer but always arranges the dates with me first.

I said no that is when we are on holiday. He texts back saying oh well Dad (we split when I was PG it's all amicable and we both have new partners and other children) has a holiday booked then too he wants me to go.

I say well if your dad wanted you to go he should have checked it out with me first.

DS texts back saying I should run my dates past his dad first shock I'm like hmm you live with me so any time you aren't "normally" with your dad I would presume you are with me and there is no way I am running my holiday dates past him first.

DS wants to now split his holiday in 2 which I am really upset about as its my only week with the kids and am taking my step kids and will be the only adult as my OH had to go away (with the military) so already feel my "family" holiday is disintegrating.

AIBU to feel really bloody pissed off that his dad has discussed this directly with DS before discussing it with me as usual and has put me in a really shitty position of either only having a few days away with DS or being the bad guy and saying no you can't go with your dad. sad

SheHasAWildHeart Mon 27-Jun-16 14:52:13

As the non-resident parent your ex should have checked with you that the dates he was booking his holiday were ok. Ex needs to change the dates of holiday.

EveOnline2016 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:00:49

In a way I agree with your ds. Perhaps you should both run holiday dates together even if it's for ds sake so he doesn't have to feel pressured into making this choice.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:02:30

Thing is though we have always discussed the date - he has never just gone ahead and booked something - so it wouldn't cross my mind to discuss my plans with his dad.

LouBlue1507 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:07:52

I think you should let your DS decide what he wants to do, he's old enough..

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:10:36

I know that - which is why I am really really pissed off as I actually wanted to spend a week on holiday with my own son - and I have paid for him for a full week.

LouBlue1507 Mon 27-Jun-16 15:28:22

It's pretty clear that communication is the issue here and you both are being unreasonable by not discussing holiday dates together and leaving your DS to be the middleman/messenger... I don't see what you can do other than talk directly to your ex when booking your next holiday :/

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 27-Jun-16 15:47:55

YANBU at all! Your ex is being a prat and has put your DS in an awkward situation and you in a worse one.

We'd never book anything for DSC without checking with their DM. They're too young to have any say in it and it's vital for everyone to discuss plans before things are confirmed. While we have them a lot, she is the RP. it's common decency.

I'm not sure what you do in this situation tbh. I'd be tempted to say your planned holiday isn't just for your DS, it's for everyone who's going including other DC, and it's not possible to change things now. Tough luck if your ex can't change his plans. Cheeky sod.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 27-Jun-16 16:06:28

did you let your Ex know YOU had booked for that week?

I always run things past my ex before booking and then email him the details and vice versa

HIBU if you had told him anyway - if he didn;t know then you are both culpable

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 16:16:44

He didn't know but we had a unwritten agreement that he can take DS wherever he wants (out of normal "contact") as long as he checks out my plans first.

BeingHuman Mon 27-Jun-16 16:36:30

I actually think your both being a bit unreasonable here. He should have run the dates past you, but It would have taken minutes for you to text him with your holiday dates, to double check as well. If you are aware he has a week in summer holidays, then it's common courtesy.

Surely to avoid putting ds in that situation it's worth it.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 17:08:11

I have never ever checked things with him. He texts me or asks which dates are ok with me.

I was tied to this week anyway for various reasons.

Therefore it did not cross my mind that he would book a holiday without checking first.

LouBlue1507 Mon 27-Jun-16 17:15:08

Well this is why this has happened, because you didn't text him beforehand. Now it's lesson learnt and in the future you should.. Nothing you can do now.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 17:42:52

I have NEVER in 14 years texted him to tell him my plans.

He has always asked before he has booked.

He has NO right to invite DS somewhere else when he is already coming somewhere with me.

Floralnomad Mon 27-Jun-16 17:47:58

Just let your son decide which holiday he would prefer to go on .

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 17:49:41

I would rather not actually as this is the first holiday we have had as a family in a while and I paid extra to have enough rooms for anyone.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 17:49:58


Floralnomad Mon 27-Jun-16 17:56:08

Well I'd rather let him have his own way than be on holiday with a 14 yr old who would rather be somewhere else and hence could spoil the holiday by being moody .

eightbluebirds Mon 27-Jun-16 18:36:59

I think PP are being a bit obtuse tbh. You are the main carer, he wasn't due at his fathers that week so of course you didn't need to check with him. How ridiculous that the main carer should check all plans with the non resident parent?

YANBU but unfortunately because of your sons age it's awkward. Id be falling between "no we already have plans DS. Or I'd consider letting him choose where he goes. Doing half and half seems a pain.

Nightstalker Mon 27-Jun-16 18:38:32

I'd let the 14 year old decide he isn't 4

Grilledaubergines Mon 27-Jun-16 19:40:59

I think it's a shame and unfair to use your son as gofer.

Not sure what you can do about it now but in future, since it's amicable, have a conversation early as you can about dates.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:45:04

I do not use my son as a gofer. My son was asked to text me by his father who was using him as a gofer.

We normally do have a discussion - but as the resident parent I have NEVER asked him or informed him of what I am doing.

He has asked me and I have said yay or nay.

Pissed off he has told our son TBH as I have gone to great lengths to get him a bike and a car rack etc.

PPie10 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:52:33

I think you should let your son go, he clearly prefers to go with his dad and trying to now compromise into splitting it into 2. Your ds is old enough to decide how he wants to spend his time.

Cutecat78 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:54:21

How does he clearly prefer his dad? confused

PPie10 Mon 27-Jun-16 19:57:12

Because he wanted to go on the holiday with his dad and is offering to split it into two rather than saying no to his dad.

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