There is a lot in the media about the shame rape and abuse victims can be made to feel. I totally get this and understand this argument. I however was very fortunate, I was seriously abuse for three years by a family member, as soon as my parents found out they did everything in their power to get him sent away for a very long time and to rebuild/ nurture me. It was a bad thing in my childhood but it wasn't how I define my childhood and they gave me the strength to deal with and go on a live a very happy life.
I used to openly talk to people about it, I gave presentations at schools, spoke at youth clubs etc, about why people should not stay silent. As I have progressed through life I have increasingly become aware that people can't seem to deal with these things if I tell them without defining me by it - a former boyfriends parents advised he split up with me as I was going to have mental health problems, my mother-in-law said when I told her (only very recently) 'well I'd never of known because you're such a good mum' as if somehow assuming I wouldn't be and former employer got me booked into counselling for no other reason other than I told him what I was giving a talk on. Therefore what I mean is, in my experience (which is likely to be different from other peoples I know) I am suddenly handled with kid gloves or treated differently - pitied I suppose. I'm not suggesting that empathy and shock aren't natural reactions but in my experience people treat me like I am damaged and fragile in some way and it has changed relationships after I have told people. I've now stopped telling people not because I ashamed or can't deal with it but they can't. I'm not really sure what I am expecting or hoping from this post but just reading all this stuff about how victims are still made to feel responsible/ashamed and people kicking off about it (quite rightly so!), I just wanted to share my experience. I've never felt ashamed, it's not come from me, but people in my experience seem to apply it to me or maybe expect me too? I'm probably not making an awful lot of sense but in truth after this happened as a teenager and into my early twenties I wanted to open up conversations about abuse, hence doing the talks, and now I don't as even sympathetic people seem to tarnish me... I am not damaged, I am not different. I had a horrid experience but through honesty and open conversations, with love and support I got through and it made me stronger - that was the message I wanted people to hear, that we need not be silent about these things and opening up makes us stronger - what I learnt was whether through sympathy or judgement it changes the way people treat you and deal with you.
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I don't tell people I was abused not because I am ashamed but because of how they react!!
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SituatedDifferently · 12/06/2016 20:57
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