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AIBU?

AIBU - DD in a relationship with older, married man

114 replies

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:51

Hello everyone, I used to frequent the Mumsnet forums many moons ago when my DD was much younger. Not sure if there's any old faces still remaining on here and I've tried to catch up with the new lingo, however, we shall see.

Last week I learnt from my daughter (19) that she had been seeing married man in his forties (someone my own age). She only admitted this as I had heard from a mututal friend that they had been spotted together and I was completely unaware of the situation. I confronted her - naturally - and warned her off and reminded her of the damage that extramarital affairs can do. She's 19 and obviously is able to make her own decisions, however, I cannot seem to make her see sense. She is unhappy to be 'a bit on the side' as they say and is convinced that she and this man have a future together. I don't know who he is, though I have heard that he's got two children of his own from a previous relationship when he was younger. They live with him and the eldest is only a few years younger than DD.

My partner (DD's stepfather), seems to think that I am being unreasonable by pressing the matter but I cannot stand to see her heart broken. The whole situation has led to sleepless night for me and my own stepchildren asked my OH about the situation as they had picked up that something was wrong between me and my DD. My OH's response was to say I was "just being a protective mum" but I was "being silly really".

I know that this will end in tears for my DD but my OH seems convinced I should let it play out. I've already expressed clear disapproval yet she seems happy to remain with this man. I'm at a complete loose end as I debate whether or not I should try and intervene.

OP posts:

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Fairylea · 19/04/2016 17:52

Intervene? She's 19. Regardless of whatever you think she's an adult and needs to make her own choices (and mistakes). You can say your piece but that's as far as it goes.

PPie10 · 19/04/2016 17:55

It's a shame that she's chosen to be this type of person with poor and low morals.
You've made your feelings known to her and she still doesn't care. Leave her to it, he will dump her soon enough. I feel for the wife and kids.

ollieplimsoles · 19/04/2016 17:55

Cant stand to see her have her heart broken? What about his wife?!

Your dp is right, let this play out, its the only way she will learn that conducting an affair with a married guy is a dick move...

Pinkheart5915 · 19/04/2016 17:57

The thing is she is an adult at 19 and her choices are hers to make, yes she will make mistakes but they will be her mistakes and she'll learn from them.

At the end of the day she will do whatever she wants anyway

PortiaCastis · 19/04/2016 17:58

What about this guy's wife and children. Does your dd want to break up a family?

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 17:58

I absolutely do not condone her actions in anyway, my sympathies are with the wife and his children, I have been cheated on in the past myself so I know how that feels.

She's besotted with this man. I have told her that if he has cheated on his wife then there's no guarantee he will be faithful to her even if a relationship was to occur from this sorry mess.

OP posts:

Mishaps · 19/04/2016 18:00

We all get our hearts broken somewhere along the line. You have told her of your concerns, which is fair enough - you are entitled to your opinion; but you also need to make sure that you do not alienate her as she may need your shoulder to cry on sometime soon.

We all want to protect our children from hurt, whatever their age, but we also have to give them the freedom to lead their own lives. I would not be happy about it, but in the end it is her life and she has to be free to make her own mistakes. If she was doing something criminal or actively harmful (e.g. pushing drugs) then it might be different.

PPie10 · 19/04/2016 18:00

Instead of telling her he might not be faithful to his wife, how about telling her she's doing a disgusting thing to someone else. Does she not feel any shame doing this? Clearly not as she can't be bothered.

louisesmum · 19/04/2016 18:01

PortiaCastis (sorry I'm unsure of whether there is a quote system and if there is, can't remember how to use it) it's her idea of young love I suppose. I have tried to tell her the reprecussions but she seems to think it's love rather than lust.

Even if it is, I don't think no matter how hard I try she realises that it isn't the basis of a solid relationship if it's arisen out of infidelity.

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 19/04/2016 18:03

She will get caught out, you already mentioned in your op that someone saw them and she had to come clean to you.

Someone will tell his wife, then what will she do?

Crabbitface · 19/04/2016 18:04

There is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop this from happening. If you love your daughter unconditionally you need to accept her decisions and support her through whatever happens next. Relationships like this often fail - maybe due to the extra-marital nature out sometimes due to the age difference. You've said your piece - leave it now or you might lose her.

WellErrr · 19/04/2016 18:04

I wouldn't be having chats about the problems of any possible future with him - I'd be absolutely and outwardly disgusted with her at her immorality.

Yes she's an adult. But personally I wouldn't condone this by having her under my roof. She wants to be an adult and go fuck married men? She can go and stand on her own two feet then.

I'd be very clear that you will always be waiting for her, but that you cannot be complicit in her disgusting behaviour.

WorraLiberty · 19/04/2016 18:06

I would find it very hard to even look at her tbh and I'd make damn sure she knew it too.

However, there's not much else you can do except be there for her when it all goes pear shaped.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 18:13

Hmm If this were a 19 year old lad seeing an older married woman it would be full of posts saying how he was being exploited.

BeatrixBurgund · 19/04/2016 18:14

Oh, can we not call a 19 yr old a slut (which is what you are doing by questioning her morals). She may be misguided, naive and irresponsible but the person who needs a good kick up the arse is the man who is taking advantage of a young girl.

I understand some may be speaking from a place of being on the other side of this situation, but the man is to blame for this. Not the girl.

OP
I'm sorry to say that I don't think there is much you can do except keep communication between you and your daughter open and be there to pick up the pieces.

PPie10 · 19/04/2016 18:16

Oh please don't paint her as some poor , innocent, naive lost woman who's being taken advantage of by the big bad man. She knows full well what she's doing and doesn't really care.

WellErrr · 19/04/2016 18:17

Oh, can we not call a 19 yr old a slut (which is what you are doing by questioning her morals).

No it's not. Saying 'she's a slut' is calling her a slut.
Saying her behaviour is immoral is saying her behaviour is immoral. Which it is. As is his.

And no, maryz, I couldn't look at a child of mine if they were doing this, never mind live with them. They could shift for themselves a bit if they fancied being so grown up, after it being made clear that the family would all be there for them once they stopped being a twat.

Osolea · 19/04/2016 18:20

Your DP is right, you have to let it run it's course.

Yes your dd is likely to end up hurt and that will be hard for both you and her, but she has to be allowed to make her own mistakes. You'll only drive your entire family a bit crazy if you try and control her, and it won't work anyway.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/04/2016 18:20

This tells me that no matter how well you bring up your children to have good morals and decency, they will go their own way and make their own decisions. And it is that, not making their own mistakes. Not everyone makes mistakes when it comes to affairs of the heart. It's choices. She's making a bad one right now.

You can tell her you love her without saying you'll support her in helping to destroy other human beings life's.

BarbarianMum · 19/04/2016 18:20

I think they are both to blame, though him more so.

OP I don't think there is any more you could or should do, don't alienate her over this, it will only make her more vulnerable.

A friend of mine had a 6 month long affair with a married man when she was in her early 20s. She was just very naive and yes, did get her heart broken - but she recovered and grew up and has been a perfectly moral and sensible member of society ever since. It taught her a lot (esp not to believe all the "it's a marriage in name only" guff).

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jip123 · 19/04/2016 18:22

Wow. You could almost be the mother of my DH OW. I am on phone so can't link but I have a thread called 'fuck, it's over, help me please'. I found out about a week ago my DH is fucking a 19 year old. I am devastated.

I don't have any advice, you can't stop her. You could let her know how much she is ruining a family's life though.

Maryz · 19/04/2016 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmberFool · 19/04/2016 18:23

Is she a student or is she working? I only ask as if she's a student, there's a possibility it could be one of her tutors.

As hard as it is, it's time to back off and let her make her own mistakes. You can be suppportive when you need to pick up the pieces.

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