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AIBU?

No photo of deceased granddaughter in grandparent's new house.

110 replies

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:36

PIL have just moved house. They have put family pictures up around the house from their old place, but have not put up their picture of me and DH's daughter who died at 3 days old. She would be 3 now.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? They have pics of their children and other grandchildren up. It's not up in their bedroom or anything.

They are lovely and we all get on well, but I feel sad every time we visit them now.

Should I say something? Or is it their house, their rules?

OP posts:

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rollonthesummer · 31/10/2015 11:39

Their house, their rules, I'm afraid. I'm sure it's upsetting for you though.

TheWitTank · 31/10/2015 11:42

Maybe they find it painful to look at? Maybe they have misplaced it in the move? I understand why it is upsetting, but it is their choice what to display in their home. You could always offer them a photo if you have a copy of one of you both? I'm so sorry for you loss

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 11:43

I would say something along the lines of 'I can't help noticing that you don't have a photo of DD...' and just see what they say. Did they have one of her in their previous house? Do you think they find it harder to deal with than they are letting on? You won't know until you (or your DH) ask.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Penfold007 · 31/10/2015 11:45

OP I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves in their own way, perhaps they find the picture too upsetting. Could DH gently ask them?

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:47

They had a lovely picture up in their old house of them holding her. Maybe it has got lost, but it seems unlikely.

Thing is if I ask about it they'll feel obliged to put one up and then I'll feel I've mashed them into it! Maybe they do find it hard to deal with, we have a son now so perhaps they think we should be over it.

OP posts:

Retrorocks · 31/10/2015 11:48

Some people cope with losing a loved one by displaying their pictures, some cope by putting those photos away. It is their house and unfortunately you can't dictate to them wether they put your pics up or not. I'm assuming you have pictures of your DD displayed in your house? Please let this one go.

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:48

Should be nagged not mashed.

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 31/10/2015 11:50

It may just be too upsetting for them, I'm so sorry for your loss but I don't think you should bring this up, it would just cause upset for you all, I'm sure they have their reasons and I'm sure it's not because they don't care

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:51

retro yes we have a couple of small pictures, so do my parents. Nothing major, just a little reminder. Makes me sad they don't want that in their life.

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 31/10/2015 11:52

They probably do find it distressing, or they find it difficult when visitors ask about the children in the pictures. I agree you need to leave this one alone.

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:52

You are right sooper I'm sure they do care, they were very supportive at the time.

OP posts:

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 11:53

When my nephew died DH found it comforting to look at pictures of him, to have one in every room etc. I just couldn't bare to look at them though. It wasn't that I wanted to forget about him or was trying not to think about him or anything like that. Not at all. It was just so raw and, for quite a while after he passed away, every time I looked at one of his pictures I felt like I was being punched in the gut. I wonder whether your PIL just find it too painful? Everyone copes with these things differently.

I can completely understand you feeling hurt though as, on the face of it, it looks like your precious DD has been forgotten. I'm sure that's not the case though and if it's really playing on your mind it might be worth asking them about it?

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:53

Hadn't thought of that gruntled, maybe they don't like explaining to others.

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JoeMommuh · 31/10/2015 11:55

Their house, their rules absolutely. sorry for your loss though

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:55

Yorks I think that's it, it's like a new house, oh we don't need that up any more, time to move on, etc

OP posts:

lexigrey · 31/10/2015 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameMargaretOfChalfont · 31/10/2015 11:59

OP - My baby daughter died at birth 20 years ago.

To this day I cannot bear to look at photos because they only bring back the pain and upset. She wasn't with us long enough to have any happy memories (we knew before I gave birth that he chances of life were negligible) so looking at photos just brings back the sad events of the day and causes pain.

Please do not mention anything to your PIL - their grief must be dealt with in their way. If a picture got lost in the move then they can ask you for a replacement - the fact that they haven't done implies they find it too upsetting to have on display.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 12:02

I really do think it's fine to bring it up in conversation - you're not looking for an argument (presumably), just that you've noticed and you're wondering why. If you don't ask, do you think it will fester and continue to bother you (it doesn't sound like they would want that) or do you think you'll come to terms with it and just accept it? I think it depends on whether you're upset or curious really.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 12:03

I think the best way to understand this is that everyone grieves slightly differently Owlina. I'm sure your DD will be forever in all your hearts.

We lost my DNephew and I find it slightly difficult how many pics of him are up in my DSis's house - though also good to see them too - where I went to stay recently, but obviously it's whatever helps her most that is most important. Am so sorry for your loss

Bakeoffcake · 31/10/2015 12:05

I can understand they may have reasons not to put the picture back up but they surely could have explained that to you, rather than just ignoring the issue?

I'm so sorry you lost your DD.

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 12:08

So sorry for your loss dame.

I am upset by it as I don't want it to just be brushed under the carpet, and I feel that's what is happening a bit. For eg, they never mention her on her birthday or anything like that. Quite a few friends text on the day but they never do or say anything even near the time. I'm not expecting it to be as memorable for them as to the actual day, but they must be aware of the month etc.

So this sort of adds to the idea that they want to move on from it.

OP posts:

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 12:10

Thanks for all your supportive messages guys. I think we will have to leave saying anything, as it is their home. I guess I just would like our dd to be there with the other grandchildren.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 12:17

This is what it is so isolating about grief, that you're not supposed to talk about it. They are your parents, and you're not supposed to say anything about your child? I lost a daughter. She was 9. If my folks took down photos of her, in their own home, I would speak to them. They are my parents, they gave me life. My family. She is, too. 'Their house, their rules' is for shoes on/off or no meat in the fridge. Fair enough if they say, 'It's too upsetting,' but man, to just not mention an entire person? I don't understand that and never will till the day I die.

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 12:24

Sorry for your loss expat.

I think that's a bit of the feeling for me, the picture is gone, we are not talking about that anymore.

We don't sit round talking about her all the time, but at the end of the day she was my first born child. I'm not going to forget about her am I? So it's upsetting to think that they are trying to forget her a bit by not putting the picture up.

I'm probably reading too much into it though as pp have said.

OP posts:

itsmine · 31/10/2015 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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