To give up and start again?(16 Posts)
Long time lurker, first time poster – please be gentle! And apologies for the length.
Bit of background - I am 25, still live with my parents, no kids, no boyfriend, in fact no friends at all. I have a small amount of money saved, but a huge student debt. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression 5 yrs ago, had some ‘treatment’ but mainly doctors seem unconcerned and unhelpful.
I have spent 6 yrs studying for a degree/Masters in a subject which I now realise I don’t like. I’ve had a job in the subject field for 6 months and every single day has been a monumental struggle because I dislike it so much. It is an office based career (I loathe being sat behind a desk I have discovered) and much of the work makes me feel uncomfortable and feels somewhat against my morals.
I have 6 months left of my Masters degree (distance course) but to be honest I haven’t felt up to doing any work for it for ages and I can’t see myself finishing it.
Realistically, I know I am highly unlikely to ever get married/have kids/friends/hobbies – not because I don’t want to, but because things don’t seem to work like that for me. My job is/will be my only purpose so I really need it to be something I don’t dread every day.
Would it be stupid to scrap the last 6 yrs of my life and start again? And what on earth would I do instead? I love helping people and have volunteered a lot with kids – but you can’t really do a people facing role (especially with kids) if you spend quite a lot of time hiding in toilets/cupboards crying…
Or do I man up, stick with what I am doing, pray things get better in the future and just accept that most people don’t like their jobs?
I am so stuck - I am terrified of new things, but hate my current life. My family are not unkind, but they are really not supportive and refuse to talk sensibly about any of this.
Oh, you'd be surprised at what you can do with kids
However, you're very young to be writing off marriage and hobbies.
Why is that?
Oh op it sounds like I've had a really tough time
Tbh I'd stick with it and finish it
Then reassess at the end of the six moths
You can retrain later
You also really need to start thinking about what you like doing , hobbies etc , you need to get out & enjoy your life and you will make friends
I would take the plunge and go for a change of career. IME people who are either happy with their family life or working life have a general all-round contented-ness that gets them through the tough bits and allows them to really enjoy the good bits.
Family may come along at a later stage - my DH and I met as mature students (the grand old age of 25!) at Uni. But, until such time being in a job you enjoy and want to get up in the morning for which have a huge, positive impact on your life. Particularly if you have a disposition for depression and anxiety.
It'll be a challenge and at times quite daunting but ultimately rewarding, IMO.
I think it'd be a real shame to ditch your Masters with just 6 months to go. You're only young and once you've got the Masters under your belt there's still nothing stopping you from starting again in another field. I get that you loathe the subject but 6 years is a lot to throw away for the sake of another 6 months.
And why have you written off marriage, friends, hobbies and children? You seem very down and defeatist, have you tried seeing another/different GP about your depression?
1) If you are currently suffering from anxiety and depression it is extremely unlikely that what you see as 'realistic' for your future is actually realistic or true - both of those conditions have unrealistically negative thoughts as a major part of their symptoms.
1b) Could this also be contributing to your family not talking 'sensibly' - are they unsupportive of your doom-laden view (which is the foundation on which your need to sabotage your previous plans and start again is laid on) because they see it as unrealistic and a threat to the achievements you have made so far?
2) Have you told your Masters course that you are struggling on health grounds right now? You may be able to get a break/postpone until you do feel able to continue. A Masters in any subject would help towards finding a new graduate level job, so even if you career change it would be worth finishing the course if you have got to only having 6 mionths left.
3) You shouldn't necessarily expect to love every second of every job you do, but you shouldn't need to hate it either - it does sound as if a change of job would help you, but don't quit the one you have until you have an offer from elsewhere.
sorry to hear this. you sound like you have mild depression and i think you should go and talk to someone, besides your family. my family are the same as yours and i honestly think that if i rolled up and told them i had 6 months to live they would laugh in my face. are you the youngest of your siblings? in my opinion, the youngest is always treated like an idiot and never taken seriously, no matter what age they are.
please, please, please finish your masters if you are any way well enough. it will put you head and shoulders above other graduates and will really stand to you. you do not have to pursue a career in your masters field. you can easily transfer into something else. but i would definitely finish what you started, concentrate on doing well in that and would in fact aim for a first. i think you will feel worse in the long run if you don't finish the course.
25 is very young to be writing your whole life off. if i were you, i would finish the masters and then go travelling for at least a few months.
over time, after you have travelled, you can begin to pay back your student debt when you start working. i have no doubt its a substantial sum but it can be paid off little by little, over time.
please don't write off your life. you have so much to look forward to.
Thank you for all your kind replies.
I know I really do need to finish uni and that quitting now would just be stupid. I have always been very stubborn about not giving up until things are perfect, but my determination has really slipped this past semester.
My family do only want what’s best for me, but they are old-fashioned English – just get on with it and don’t talk about feelings.
Regarding my mental wellbeing – I have seen several GPs due to moving between home/uni. I don’t like the practise I am currently at but there are no others nearby. I have seen all 3 of the GPs and they have all been very dismissive. One described ADs as a ‘placebo’ and took me off them, and the other 2 haven’t been much more enlightened. Eventually they referred me to the ‘mental health team’ 3 months ago, but didn’t explain what this means and I haven’t heard anything about it/from them yet.
To be honest I was never quite convinced by all this labelling, I’m sure if I was depressed I would feel more ‘ill’ – I think I am just a miserable, pessimistic person. I’ve always found life terrifying and struggled to fit in and keep up, which is why I have given up on the idea of friends, etc. It also makes me increasingly afraid that I won’t ever find a job that I feel comfortable in and enjoy!
A lot of what you say resonates with me. You say you've always found it hard to fit in and while you show signs of depression you're not convinced by the label. I felt very much like you, and I was recently diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome as an adult. Lots of women are missed or misdiagnosed (often with depression and/or anxiety) because we present differently to men with the condition.
If you think it's a possibility, pop over to our support thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs_recommendations/2399562-Neurodiversity-support-thread-Women-with-suspected-self-diagnosed-diagnosed-ASC-ADHD
In what way do you struggle to fit in? When you are out with a group of people what do you feel? In what way do your feelings / behaviour differ from "normal" people?
On the Masters front I would say finish your course as it is good to have that qualification regardless. In the meantime research every possible career, how to enter it, etc..
Even though it's a bit young to be writing off kids and husband I do think you're wise to be focus on having an enjoyable career. You can't control whether you're going to meet someone and have DC but you do have control over your career.
CrohnicallyAspie I was thinking the same thing actually...
Do try and finish the Masters. Break it down into little chunks in your head, and address them one by one. In 6 months it will all be over, BUT you will have a great qualification and all your hard work will have paid off.
My feeling would be that you should try and finish your course. If you have some money saved would you consider going private for therapy for yur depression / anxiety? I can't help but feel that your mental health is at the root of all of this, and whilst it is grossly unfair that no one is taking you seriously in the NHS, there are private options.
You are young, and it is a good time in yur life to throw caution to the wind and try something new - but for the sake of 6 months, finish your masters and see if you can find a way forward with your depression/anxiety which will make any future choices you make much easier.
Then the world is yur oyster! And hopefully the fog will clear and you can find who you are and what you want, and I wouodnt rule out friends and marriage just yet ;)
Take a look at the book "The Highly Sensitive Person", by Elaine Aron. If you find that it applies to you, she has a workbook as well. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0722538960/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1441008786&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=the+highly+sensitive+person&dpPl=1&dpID=41D9WC2735L&ref=plSrch
I have had similar feelings to you, and was ready to jack in my whole career really young. Someone told me not to make major life decisions while I was feeling so negative about everything. I'm so glad I listened to them. Over a period of a few years I have improved dramatically, have more confidence negative thoughts about the future massively reduced and I've made a few good friends and have a DH now.
tbh what helped me the most is a book called 'feeling good' by Dr David Burns and some private cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) counselling I used to get homework after each session. GP was useless for me too and I went through 3 counsellors before I found one who clicked with me. A lot of my feeling 'odd' was to do with my upbringing and me looking at things through negative filters.
i think you're worrying about everything all at once.
break it all down into what can be dealt now and what can be addressed later with in a coherent way. therefore.:-
- get the head down and finish the masters.
- then when that's done, take a break somewhere away from it all - be it brighton, berlin, barbados or brisbane or wherever.
- worry about the student loan when you start working. surely they don't expect repayment all back at once.
- don't worry about finding the right job straight way. most people don't. it takes time and experience. you will have more than one job in your lifetime and your masters will give you more choices.
i did a masters and got through it fine. i suffer with depression from time to time, but i made myself get on with it even though i was a bit unhappy at times. and i'm not the brains of britain either. if i can do it, you can totally do it. you're well able for this.
regroup and get down to it. just do it.
i don't mean to sounds harsh, just take it one bitty at a time and you'll be fine.
also - oh to be 25 again. it's all ahead of you.
very best wishes.
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