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I've had enough of her lies.

(104 Posts)

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JammyGem Tue 03-Feb-15 23:09:14

Sorry, going to be a long one.

DSis is constantly lying. If someone else in the family is getting a little bit of attention, she'll make something up so she gets some. She's my half sister (same dad) and I've always wondered why DM and DDad don't get on with her and ignore her when she has a crisis, but in the last year I've realised that they had enough of her bullshit and lies years ago, and now so have I.

She said she'd been raped by the guy she was having an affair with just after her husband found out and everyone in the family was supporting him, a week after our cousin was diagnosed with a serious mental health illness she claimed to have been diagnosed with PTSD, a few days after I graduated from my MA she claimed to have got a place on her own MA course despite not even having A levels... There are so many examples of when someone else is getting support and attention and she has to "up the ante" and announce something so all the attention is on her. And some of these things may well be true, but it's really the case of the boy who cried wolf and I just can't believe anything she says. I should say now that even the police called bullshit on the rape story, and threatened to charge her with wasting police time - this incident upset me the most as I was raped 5 years ago and had just at that time plucked up the courage to finally go to the police about it - to know that my sister lied about something that horrific and made it harder for me and other real victims to be believed made me more upset than I can ever say.

I've never called her out on any of this, always been sympathetic and gone along with it - even the rape thing, which I only found out she'd lied after her husband of all people let slip that they wanted to charge her with wasting their time.

But today takes the biscuit. Her mum has a terminal illness and has only months to live. I spoke to our dad earlier who asked if I'd heard from DSis. I said I had a few missed calls and was planning to ring her when I got off the phone with him. Apparently she rang him earlier today to say that she'd been to A&E and they'd done some tests and two hours later had got the results that it was cancer. He doesn't know any more because in his own words "I couldn't care enough to listen to her lies".

I have six missed calls. I've had enough. I realise I probably come across as very cold but I just can't deal with any more lies or attention seeking. AIBU to just ignore all calls and contact from now on? And AIBU to not believe her or should I get in contact just in case she's telling the truth this time and actually has cancer?

whothehellknows Tue 03-Feb-15 23:24:35

I think you already know that cancer results won't come back in 2 hours. Clearly she has some sort of issue, or she wouldn't feel the need to make up lies to get attention. But it's up to you where you offer your support and attention, so YANBU to ignore.

I'd find lying about rape very difficult to get past.

FarFromAnyRoad Tue 03-Feb-15 23:29:17

She obviously needs an audience - let it not be you. Ever.

JammyGem Tue 03-Feb-15 23:31:41

Yeah, it wad the two hour turnaround for test results that makes me inclined to think she's lying again.

I just don't know how to move forward with this. She's a lovely person, so generous and kind, but I really cannot deal with any more of her bullshit.

Tinkerball Tue 03-Feb-15 23:33:08

Why should you keep in contact with someone like this? Why hasn't anyone says anything to her about her lies?

WheresWallyNow Tue 03-Feb-15 23:37:14

Oh how your thread could have been written by me!

My sister is exactly the same, everything has to be about her regardless of how other people she supposedly loves are suffering.
I've learnt to detach, I pity her attention seeking ways rather than letting myself be cross about her latest lies. And I sometimes make a game of catching her out on her lies

In this situation I would talk to her, seem very concerned, then firmly insist on coming with her to her next hospital appointment and keep insisting on coming each time she tries to wriggle out of it. Ask questions, lots of questions and then act surprised when she doesn't have the answers. My sister is gradually learning that it isn't worth the effort to tell her whoppers to me as I will try my very best to catch her out whenever I can.

JammyGem Tue 03-Feb-15 23:39:05

She's my sister and I feel I owe her some loyalty and can't just go NC, although recently it has been looking more and more tempting.

Our DDad called her out about the MA thing - it lead to a shouting match over the phone and her ringing me crying saying that he thinks she's stupid. I'm aware when she's manipulating me but still can't seem to stop falling for it.

JammyGem Tue 03-Feb-15 23:42:18

WheresWallyNow I'd say I'm glad I'm not alone in dealing with this sort of thing but that wouldn't be fair on either of us! I've tried that approach, being super supportive and everything, but it just leads to her calling me all hours of day and night with "updates" and I feel I'm doing more harm than good. She also denies saying something or will get angry or cry if caught out and I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with it.

sliceofsoup Tue 03-Feb-15 23:48:01

I have a relative like this OP. When I was looking at potential degrees she dropped out of first year and started the degree I was going to do at the next intake.

When another person in our family announced their pregnancy, she announced she had had a miscarriage years before (but we hear about all her medical issues so I find it very hard to believe we wouldn't have heard about that, even so, her timing was bloody terrible, she ruined the excitement for us all.)

There have been countless other similar things, and we all just ignore her now.

Just tune her out. Seriously. Say "oh dear, poor you." and then get on with your life. She isn't worth the energy.

WheresWallyNow Tue 03-Feb-15 23:52:07

It's so draining isn't it? The stories I could tell about mine!

So my approach is less about being supportive and more listening to the lie then replying in a very non-arsed way "oh that's strange, when Margaret was diagnosed she was referred to a consultant, well I guess every patient is different"

My sister very much used to do the whole I've been caught out anger reaction, denial and crying. To a point she still does, I've chosen to not let it bother me anymore, none of its real so why should I let her impact my happiness? And that's my main advice to you- none of it is real, you know that, don't allow her to take anything from you that you are not prepared to give.

JammyGem Wed 04-Feb-15 00:27:28

I want to go NC, but I don't know how. That sounds stupid, but I genuinely have no idea how to go about it - do I just suddenly stop answering all calls and messages and refuse to see her? Do I tell her first what is happening?

In all honesty I'd like to create a little bit of drama of my own by calling her out on all her lies in some big email or something and telling her I've had enough and want nothing else to do with her. But I think that approach would probably not be for the best...

borisgudanov Wed 04-Feb-15 00:53:14

False accusations of rape and bogus serious illnesses are two of the nastiest lies anyone can tell. Round here either would result in summary excommunication, proscription and banishment from the realm. Inexcusable.

brainfidget Wed 04-Feb-15 01:45:27

Years ago I knew someone just like this. Amongst the many lies were stories of being a victim of a gang rape, the death of a close family member in an earthquake, deliberate and sustained police harassment to the point of burning her house down, and numerous other lesser lies which I have forgotten. For ages I would tune it out with a disinterested "uh-huh" , but eventually I took a deep breath and forced a proper discussion about her behaviour. I did it firmly but sympathetically, trying to address why she felt the need to lie, rather than focussing on the fact that she did. She had deep-seated self esteem issues, perhaps your sister does too. I found it difficult and embarrassing to confront my friend all those years ago but I'm glad I did, because the lying stopped, whether because she realised she couldn't fool me, or because she no longer felt the need, I don't know.

Minerves Wed 04-Feb-15 03:05:11

i'd go nc

i have known someone like this, who was a friend. always lying for attention. i caught her out once when we were flatsharing - i was supposed to be away the weekend but i came home a day ealy. while i was away she'd texted me saying she was in hospital for od, got home o find her sitting on the couch perfectly healthy

Grokette Wed 04-Feb-15 03:52:47

My sister is exactly the same. Her behaviour is utterly disgusting and reprehensible. Slowly and surely everyone around her has dropped out of contact, and she's only got a few people left to manipulate.

I've been no contact for two years, and it THE BEST thing I've ever done. She still surfaces every now and then (she sometimes tries to get in contact with DH who despises her more than I do) and I sometimes hear about her 'tragedies' through other relatives, which is irritating but most people are getting it now.

Going no contact is as simple as never replying to or initiating contact of any kind. It can also be incredibly, incredibly difficult and guilt-inducing. My advice would be just cut ties, and never ever get into the reasons why with her or with anyone else. Never, ever engage. Don't complain about her, don't try to get others to understand, don't justify your decision. Just say "We don't get along and there's nothing more to discuss" Practice that!

Life is too short to have people like that in your life. Should she one day decide to get help for her obviously disordered personality well, you can possibly reconsider. But I bet you a million dollars that will never happen.

Good luck OP.

MalibuStacy Wed 04-Feb-15 04:07:47

Yep, I'd go NC. We had to do this to someone in our family, although for different reasons. I just de-friended on FB, ignored calls, etc. until they took the hint. When another family member asked us what was going on, we said we couldn't deal with this person's behaviour anymore.

We gave this person the opportunity to apologise at which point we could all move on, but they refused. It sadly means that our DC have grown up not knowing each other, which is a dreadful shame.

Sorry, just remembered this thread is not about me blush grin.

StockingFullOfCoal Wed 04-Feb-15 07:22:04

Lying about rape is vile angry and would be more than enough for me to go NC with her. My younger sister was raped a few years ago by her ex and having seen her through that, including the police saying there wasn't enough evidence to charge despite another of his exs making a very similar claim a few years prior to my sister. Absolutely vile thing to do.

JammyGem Wed 04-Feb-15 10:38:46

I think I'm just going to ignore her completely and go NC. I feel guilty as hell but it's too draining and I can't cope with it anymore. I might explain to my parents what's happening first though, in case she tries to twist it and make another drama.

DaisyChain87 Wed 04-Feb-15 13:05:41

Oh OP, this sounds awful!

I think that your options are:
1) Talk to her husband about the 'cancer'- ask him straight up if he knows about if/ if it's true. Depending on his answer you can either choose to support her, or go NC.
2) Just go NC. I think that you are obviously leaning towards this, and it sounds like you've put up with more than enough to justify this!

So sorry to hear about your Mum. I suppose that the only other consideration is whether you going NC would complicate things for your Mum? Would it distress her, or has she had enough too? The most important thing though is that you have enough emotional energy to support your parents and yourself though this terrible time- it sounds like your sister is going to take up a lot of your time and energy if you let her!

Henbur1702 Wed 04-Feb-15 13:13:59

Well it's highly likely that she doesn't have cancer, but she clearly does have something wrong with her. Delusional disorder, inadequate personality disorder or Walter Mitty syndrome maybe?

MaidOfStars Wed 04-Feb-15 13:16:19

Think it is half-sister's Mum who is ill, not OP's Mum.

I'd make an effort to find out the real story behind the A&E visit. I can conceive perhaps of situations where a result of "there is a lump/almost certainly cancer" is delivered quickly, although a more formal diagnosis takes longer. But given her history of mapping her lies onto the real live situations of others, and given her Mum's diagnosis, I smell bullshit.

Germgirl Wed 04-Feb-15 13:29:04

My DH's ex is absolutely like this. According to her she's got cancer, but can't have an operation to fix it because that would kill her, she has regular car crashes, she's depressed, she lies constantly about money, she managed to persuade her parents that she was working for about 3 months yet she never got paid, when they eventually asked why she hadn't been paid the company she as working for 'went bust' and that was that. No wages.
I get frustrated that DH won't call her out on her constant lies, and it's upsetting when DSD repeats the utter shite that ExW has fed her. We never tell DSD that her mum is lying but sometimes it difficult to say nothing. DSD is starting to realise that she shouldn't ever believe a word her mum says, which is very sad but was inevitable.
Sorry, I've hijacked somewhat, I think in your case id have to call her out on every lie, I know this isnt easy but I'd have to do it.

GokTwo Wed 04-Feb-15 13:59:49

How dreadful. I think I would have to go NC. That's just such a difficult and extreme way to behave and how on earth are you meant to have a conversation with someone whose every utterance is a lie?! Even if you weren't NC you can't really have a deep, satisfying relationship with her can you?

SaucyMare Wed 04-Feb-15 14:10:56

thank you brain fidget she must have very serious mental health problems, as inside she knows nobody believes her but still feels the need to continue.
So instead of just ignoring her, why don't any of you try to help your relatives/ friends.

disclaimer i don't know anyone like this.

bubalou Wed 04-Feb-15 14:16:34

First of all shockshockshock

I agree the sensible option is to go NC.

....however. I know what you mean about wanting to call her out and I don't know if I could keep it in!

I think I would do it on the phone or in person and let her have it. Disgusting to lie about such things. confused

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