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to passively aggressively insist that my 'unmarried name' is used

(119 Posts)
MrsDutchie Mon 01-Dec-14 09:33:52

For no particular reason other than I didn't want to, I decided to keep my surname. I'm quite happy with it and didn't feel the need to change it.

However DF DM and DSis were quite baffled by this and have decided to 'compromise' by using a double-barrelled name with my surname as the middle name.

This morning I received a very kind package from DSis for upcoming PFB however the delivery man initially wouldn't hand it over because the names didn't match.

I messaged DSis thanking her for the gift and saying FYI I don't use my husband's name and there was some confusion at the door smiley smiley.

AIBU? Should I just suck it up as I'm sure it's tiring for both parties for me to point it out? Family are very traditional and just see this as another one of my stubborn/rebellious things so often act as if I am being tiring.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 01-Dec-14 09:35:51

It's your friffing name and you get to choose!

I think they're being arses.

ArsenicSoup Mon 01-Dec-14 09:37:21


Relatives refusing to use your name is an odd phenomenon. Worse when it is your F of O rather than the ILs.

CMOTDibbler Mon 01-Dec-14 09:38:58

Don't worry about it being 'tiring' for them if you point it out - its not your name!

Mind, I've been married 17 years, have never used dhs name (and ds is double barrelled) and the ils still address things to Mrs Hisname or Mr&Mrs hisinitial hisname. I refuse to open anything thus addressed

AuntieStella Mon 01-Dec-14 09:39:49

Presumably you'd face the same difficulty if a package arrived for your DH?

So the first step is to make sure you keep some ID matching that surname for when you need it.

I wouldn't have put the smileys on the message (as I think that does look PA at this stage, and doubt that achieves much), but would neutrally remind people who use the wrong name that it can cause difficulties. Of course, if they persist then you might have to escalate.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 01-Dec-14 09:40:26

YANBU - I've always had my original surname and still get letters from close family to Mrs DHSurname.

The postman is also an arse as well.

Floisme Mon 01-Dec-14 09:40:49

It's your family who are being passive aggressive, not you. It's your name, your choice and their problem if they don't like it.

Thehedgehogsong Mon 01-Dec-14 09:43:06

I laughed at 'friffing'. I get this a lot, as I did middle name my maiden name, and no-one seems to understand I can have 4 names if I want!! I keep insisting, but I am being worn down... Even the DVLA missed it out when I changed my licence. My mortgage company double barrelled mine and DH's names on official documents. The hospital had 'no record' of me and my doctors took 18 months and 5 attempts to get it right.
It's exhausting being surrounded by idiots angry

HappyAgainOneDay Mon 01-Dec-14 09:44:13

For more than 20 years, some of my late husband's relations have addressed me as Mrs husband's name even though I stick a label with my own name on the back of anything I send to them. I just tell myself that they are thickos and carry on, smirking silently if I meet them.

Chunderella Mon 01-Dec-14 09:44:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDutchie Mon 01-Dec-14 09:44:51

I don't have any ID matching that surname as I didn't change it.

I used to be super passive about it but maybe it's the hormonal bitch coming out and that I don't want the same for my little girl that I'm becoming a hell of a lot more assertive.

Purplepixiedust Mon 01-Dec-14 09:47:08

It's your name and your choice. Yanbu! Going double barrelled isn't exactly traditional either! Talk to them ffs!

Micah Mon 01-Dec-14 09:50:08

I kept my maiden name.

There is a large section of Dh's family that address mail to "Mrs DH". They know fine well I'm "Dr Micah", they just choose to ignore it- plus the fact that a PhD isn't, apparently, a "proper Doctor", so they have decided not to use my correct title.

There is also a lot of politics in that Dh's ex used "Mrs DH" for a long time, despite being remarried.

I have started taking them round to DH's mum and saying post for her/the ex has arrived, as there's no "Mrs DH" at our house.

I have no problems with delivery men, as long as someone signs for it they don't even check names. The local PO does require ID in the recipients name for collection, not delivery, which is easy enough to take down.

Your family are arses, and the delivery man is a jobsworth. I'd contact the company and clarify.

LoonvanBoon Mon 01-Dec-14 09:51:59

Yabu to refer to insisting on use of your own name as PA! Nothing PA about it.

YY to this! I find it a bit baffling that your own family seems determined to force a made-up name on you.

I'd be tempted to send a message to all of them, saying something along the lines of: "Thanks so much for the presents / cards. Just a reminder to everyone that I haven't changed my name & am still MrsDutchie. Please don't send anything addressed to MrsDutchie-othername - the postman nearly refused to give me a misaddressed parcel the other day!"

NotEnoughTime Mon 01-Dec-14 10:03:57

YADNBU-it's so frustrating.

HazleNutt Mon 01-Dec-14 10:07:14

YANBU, it's your name! Would your family like if you started to address them by the name of your choice? Call your Sis 'Walter', for example. Why not, if names don't matter.

SirChenjin Mon 01-Dec-14 10:10:53

YANBU at all - whether you choose to take your DH's name or keep your own is absolutely no-one else's business, and your choice should be respected.

Repeat and repeat and repeat - and if necessary (although it shouldn't be) get your DH to join in the repeating.

MargaretRiver Mon 01-Dec-14 10:27:10

Yes, I've had this for 20 years from my side of the family

Cheques to Mrs DH surname used to be the worst thing ( for birthdays & Christmas, we live overseas)
I couldn't cash them because we had no account in such a name

But they still wouldn't crack, they started sending them just in DH's name instead

whatever5 Mon 01-Dec-14 10:34:14

YANBU. I accept that fact that some of DH's relatives and friends can't remember that I don't use DH's surname but it really makes me angry if someone from my own side of the family does it, particularly the ones with the same surname as me (e.g. SIL). My own parents do use my surname but expect me to not make a fuss when SIL doesn't even though I have told her numerous times.

whatever5 Mon 01-Dec-14 10:37:43

I should add that my DF probably would use DH's name if he ever sent me anything. He asked me the other day how I was able to keep DH's surname. He seemed to think that you have to actively do something to prevent it changing when you get married!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 01-Dec-14 10:39:52

I am a Ms and kept my name when I married, some of our family remembers and some don't, I'm sure some refuse to as they just can't get their heads round anyone keeping their name but I can't say it bothers me , it makes me smile if anything. I certainly wouldn't correct someone who had sent me a parcel.

MehsMum Mon 01-Dec-14 10:42:00

Keep on telling them...
Most of my ILs can't spell my surname after 20 years.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 01-Dec-14 10:42:12

I take parcels in under all sorts of different names - never been a problem, I think our pasties are just pleased to get rid of the parcelsgrin

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 01-Dec-14 10:44:42


SunnyBaudelaire Mon 01-Dec-14 10:47:25

who is being PA anyway? Not you by the sounds of it!
it reminds me a bit of when my brother told me I had 'no right' to call myself by my own name after marriage!

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