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To not understand how parents can leave their babies to cry?

(145 Posts)
Beatrixemerald Sun 09-Nov-14 10:35:27

I just cannot leave my baby to cry, even fora few minutes (exception to this is when driving alone with dd). I have such a strong physical response, I cant do anything and just have to comfort her immediately. She is 5 months old and is always easily consoled so I am always able to comfort her.
My grandmother told me that babies need to cry sometimes (don't believe this) and a friend of mine was suprised I couldn't just tune it out (she also has a baby of a similar age).
To keep my baby happy I am now a sling-wearing/co-sleeping/ebf mother which I never really planned to be, but I just cant stand my baby being unhappy.
I am totally crazy arent I?

DearGirl Sun 09-Nov-14 10:39:01

Dc always whinge/cries to sleep. It take a couple of minutes but she does this with her eyes shut. If I went in and picked her up every time then she wouldn't go to sleep cue bigger tears/emotional tears when I tried to get her to sleep again. Friends always say that it's mean but she does it for a couple of minutes and then drops off. I've even had them look at her while she's doing it in the pram and she's half asleep.

MollyBdenum Sun 09-Nov-14 10:44:45

I think that different people have different levels of physical response to the crying. I always wondered the same thing and thought that people who did sleep training must have superhuman levels of will power, but discussing this with friends with children, it emerged that while we all found the sound upsetting to some degree, the physical reaction varied dramatically in strength.

I found with both my children that the insensity of reaction decreased as they got older, so that while letting a newborn cry would cause literal physical pain, I could stand back and ignore a toddler tantrum.

EatDessertFirst Sun 09-Nov-14 10:44:52

If it works for you then great. Some people are of the rod for your own back opinion but horses for courses and all that.

My experience was different however. Both my DC were known to our friends and family as 'put-me-the-f@#$-down' babies. They hated being picked up when tired even if they were whinging. Although DD cried a little more for various reasons due to being tongue tied, they both only really cried for being hungry, wet or tired. I knew their cries and could respond appropriately.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Sun 09-Nov-14 10:45:43

Good for you.

My babies were bf too but I can't bear co sleeping unless they were ill, and 2 out of my 4 babies detested slings or being rocked up sleep. They much preferred being put down and had a little cry before dropping off.

I did cc with 3 of my toddlers and it saved my sanity.

You do what's right for you and in RL always keep your opinions to yourself about others parenting choices.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 09-Nov-14 10:49:43

You can't understand how some people are different to you? They just are.

MandarinCheesecake Sun 09-Nov-14 10:51:05

My ds2 was a crier!

He Would wake 15-20 times a night and only sleep in 10 or 15 minute bursts throughout the day.
There was nothing physically wrong and sometimes he couldn't be comforted and would cry regardless
I had to just let him cry sometimes.....for my own sanity. Most of the time he was just making a noise and fighting sleep. He would usually cry himself back to sleep.

Every parent does it differently and what works for one doesn't always work for another.
If comforting doesn't work then what else are you supposed to do?

OhBuggeringBollocks Sun 09-Nov-14 10:53:12

Totally agree with tiny babies - cannot stand to hear them cry. I hate it. Although don't mind them crying when I am holding them but get very upset even if DH was holding them.

DC3 is 6months - he has a little bit of that still in me.

DC1&2 are 5 and 3 - unless its bloodcurdling it's generally ignored.

Everyone reaches the generally ignored stage at a different age I guess.

CommanderShepard Sun 09-Nov-14 10:54:50

Aren't you perfect.

TheNumberfaker Sun 09-Nov-14 10:55:46

How can you be sure that your baby is crying from unhappiness? Or even unhappiness that someone else can rectify? Some babies whinge and cry before they go to sleep. That's how they go off to sleep. A bit like some adults toss and turn a bit.

MollyBdenum Sun 09-Nov-14 10:59:15

Basically, there is a range of normal responses to the sound of a crying baby. If you are one end, it is utterly incomprehensible that anyone can voluntarily go through the discomfort of sleep training etc. If you are at the other end, it is incomprehensible that anyone can go through the discomfort of cosleeping, feeding on demand, waking umpteen times to settle the baby without it being some kind of martyrish point scoring.

If you are somewhere in the middle, it is pretty to hard to see the people on either extreme as genuinely struggling to imagine such a different physical response, and easy to condemn them as judgmental hardliners.

skylark2 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:00:25

I had one who always cried herself to sleep (only a couple of minutes). Any contact just kept her awake.

And another who just got more and more upset.

If you only have a type 2 baby, I can see how you wouldn't understand anyone leaving a baby to cry. People who only have a type 1 baby probably can't see what all the fuss is about.

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 09-Nov-14 11:01:42

If you never give them the opportunity to learn to self soothe, then you aren't doing them any favours and it can lead to life long sleep issues. There's a big difference between allowing them space to develop and letting them cry for ages.

Beatrixemerald Sun 09-Nov-14 11:02:23

I am not saying I am perfect commander, not sure why you said that. What I am saying is the physical response is so strong I do everything I can just to stop crying as I lliterally cant bear it and feel unable to do anything whilst dd is bawling. I was trying to understand if other people feel that way and clearly some do and some dont.
I would get a lot more done if I were able to zone out but I cant.

MollyBdenum Sun 09-Nov-14 11:04:36

CommanderShepard - the OP wanted to know if her response was normal. The answer isn't "don't be smug", it's "your response is within the normal range, but you are in a fairly small minority". The other parents at baby groups are not cheerfully ignoring panic attack type symptoms and expecting you to do the same. It took me until my second baby to realise this, and once you do, it is far easier to chill and stop trying to compare yourself to other people.

Beatrixemerald Sun 09-Nov-14 11:04:48

Molly - interesting post, I am at one end of the scale and dont feel I have any control of it. Pre dd I would have assumed I would be at the other end.

Thumbcat Sun 09-Nov-14 11:06:14

Sometimes, when you have tried absolutely everything and your baby is still crying, and you have a fleeting urge to chuck him/her out the window (even though you know you never would), the best thing to do is to leave them to cry for a little while you gather yourself up for another attempt at soothing. You are lucky to have a baby who is easily settled.

Beatrixemerald Sun 09-Nov-14 11:08:02

Thumbcat - yes I realise I am lucky she is easily settled, I think I would find it extremely distressing otherwise, but I suppose you get used to it

Heels99 Sun 09-Nov-14 11:11:05

Have twins,so inevitably one sometimes has to cry while you are dealing with the other.

Mintyy Sun 09-Nov-14 11:14:23

Beatrix - if you have another child who needs you (toddler upset for example) then you will have to leave a baby to cry sometimes.

Other people do it either because 1. they can't pick the baby up at that precise moment, 2. they don't want to because they need or want to be doing something else, or 3. because they need a break from the crying in order to calm down. And for many other reasons.

I'm really surprised that you couldn't think of at least those reasons above for yourself!

IPityThePontipines Sun 09-Nov-14 11:14:36

Another one with a baby that cried themselves to sleep. When mine are tired, they cry and they want to be put down to sleep, now!

They are all different OP. Dd1 could nap happily anywhere, DD2 doesn't sleep properly outside of her cot.

firesidechat Sun 09-Nov-14 11:14:45

I did it by getting out of ear range. blush

In my defence it was a very long time ago now, but I think I would probably do the same now. Some babies have a little cry while going to sleep and personally I wanted mine to learn to self settle as early as possible. Each to their own.

Or maybe I was just a hard hearted mother with no maternal instinct.

MollyBdenum Sun 09-Nov-14 11:15:13

Beatrix, I know a couple of women who were highly efficient nannies before having kids and were disturbed to find themselves having extremely strong physical responses to their crying babies. I don't know why it affects some people more than others.

alpacasosoft Sun 09-Nov-14 11:16:37

I think I was even worse than you OP.
I once popped into town and left DD at home with DH and someone elses baby started crying.
It was awful, an overwhelming feeling and milk just poured out !!blush

I found it was quite common in mothers who BF until their babies are older.
I think its hormonal, I certainly felt generally like my skin was inside out and felt vulnerable to all sorts of overwhelming emotions.

ILoveYouBaby Sun 09-Nov-14 11:16:59

So much depends on the baby. My dd is a crier, she spent the first four months of her life crying, after a difficult birth and reflux. I can't stand to hear her cry, but she cried regardless of anything I did. So she cried and I ended up with pnd.

Until you've had a baby that cries constantly, you can't really judge.

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