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(21 Posts)
wandymum Wed 29-Oct-14 20:14:20

My 5 yr old DD's been quiet since I picked her up from school today and then started crying at bedtime. The cause? Apparently one of the girls in her class is having a halloween "tea" and every girl in her year has been invited apart from her. As there are only 12 girls in her year (oddly loads more boys) and there wouldn't be much extra work to having 12 rather than 11, I assumed she was mistaken but have checked with another school mum I know well and she is right thlsad.

Dd says the other girls have spent all week talking about what costumes they are wearing and have been playing 'witches' (oh, the irony) every playtime and won't let her join in because she isn't going to the party.

I know this sort of thing will happen occasionally as she grows up but as all previous parties have either been everyone or just one or two she is really upset. DH thinks it is just a lesson she has to learn but I want to take her out somewhere and treat her at the time of the party to lessen the feeling of missing out. AIBU?

FrancesNiadova Wed 29-Oct-14 20:18:08

Aww, that does seem mean spirited to me.
cake and thlsmile to your DD.

MyNipplesAreOffensive Wed 29-Oct-14 20:24:33

That is mean. Why is she the only one not invited? sad

I think it's a good idea to take her out and treat her! She's only 5, she's got plenty of time to learn harsh lessons like this, for now do what you can to lessen the blow.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Wed 29-Oct-14 20:33:45

Oh Wandy. You must be nuclear. I hate cliques and hate bullying even more, and I'm not going to sugar coat this O.P but excluding a child from social events is a form of bullying, and the mother who has allowed this should be utterley ashamed of herself.!
The same thing happened to my d.d in reception. Every girl was invited to her friend's party except her. I was fuming and had the right to be. The mother used to try and aknowledge me when she saw me but I just used to blank her. Was she thick or something did she fall out of a cloud. Did she honestly think that would not peeve me off in a major fucking way!. I could tell this mother didn't like my d.d as she never spoke to her or anything. Okay she didn't have to like her. I've not liked every kid I've ever came across, but I'd never make it obvious by leave a child out. That to me is just Rat with a capital R.
I am a hurt my child. Hurt me type of mum. aren't we all.
Absolutely you are in no way being unreasonable.
It's not just a lesson she has to learn at all and your D.H is being unreasonable saying that. Okay she can't get invited to every party to be the only one not invited is very very different.
You take her out and have a bloody good time.
Sorry for the long past. I just hate kids being upset and left out! To me it's cruel.

Thrholidaysarecoming Wed 29-Oct-14 20:37:23

Ah that horrible! Can you not scrap some friends together and give her a little of her own.

I'd be devastated for her! You need to do something fab!!

crazykat Wed 29-Oct-14 21:05:30

I'm not a fan of all class/girls/boys parties but if they have to happen then its just plain mean not to invite one or two.

Okay, kids need to learn that they can't be invited to everything but its unfair to leave one or two out from a class/all girls/all boys party.

The only time its approaching acceptable to leave out one child from a party is if that child is bullying the child whose party it is. Even then it would be better to have a smaller party so there's not just one left out.

lunar1 Wed 29-Oct-14 21:08:17

That is bloody nasty, can you invite a few boys over that she plays with?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos Wed 29-Oct-14 21:11:56

Not an identical situation but struggling myself today after seeing a photo of a meet-up on FB which excluded DD (8) who has been crying about her lack of a best friend.

LadyLuck10 Wed 29-Oct-14 21:22:51

Oh yanbu! That's very mean to exclude only one child. Are you sure she hasn't lost an invite or there might be some miscommunication?
I would want to know the reason though why only one child is being excluded.

BlueberryWafer Wed 29-Oct-14 21:27:33

Oh no sad yanbu. Definitely take dd out to do something fun! I remember being the only girl not invited to the party at primary school, but my mum took me out to the cinema instead and we had a lovely time - I still remember now the movie we went to watch!

wandymum Wed 29-Oct-14 21:45:04

Good idear lunar1, I will invite a couple of the boys over and take them out trick or treating - a hoard of sweets should cheer her up.

No idea why she'd have been left out but don't think it is a mistake as she says the girls have been making a point out of her not being invited.

Makes me sad to think we have years of this ahead - girls can be so mean to one another.

blanklook Wed 29-Oct-14 22:21:12

This is ghastly, bullying behaviour but unfortunately very common, your dd will be, in their eyes, somehow 'different' to them and they'll exclude her and comment on her exclusion before and after the event. It's truly horrible.

When it happened to my dd, I made sure we did something much more spectacular than the events she was excluded from and let the others know what they'd missed.

Ironically, when things had moved on a few years and other girls had joined the class, dd wanted to invite some but not all of the newer girls to a party. I had a call from one of the 'excluder's' mothers asking why her dd wasn't invited and she was arguing with me that her dd should be included. I don't think she liked it much when I told her if she'd included my dd for the preceding four years then I'd be including hers.

wandymum Wed 29-Oct-14 22:47:21

My Dd is very small for her age so maybe that's it. She's not young emotionally though just short.

It is the mother I'm angry at as I'd never let either of my kids deliberately exclude someone that way. Might have a quiet word with her teacher tomorrow to see if she can at least put a stop to them refusing to play with her because she isn't going.

Scholes34 Wed 29-Oct-14 23:41:12

Roll on Saturday. It will all be over by then. The worst part is the run up to anything like this. Once it's happened, it's generally forgotten. I'm sure you'll have a great time trick or treating with her and the boys.

Kingoftheroad Thu 30-Oct-14 00:46:39

Think you're right to have a word with the teacher poor wee soul it's bad enough not being invited but to be excluded from playing is awful. I'd be tempted to have a word with the mother and advise her of the consequences of her stupid actions. Maybe the teacher might do this, I'd ask anyway.

diaimchlo Thu 30-Oct-14 03:29:11

This really annoys me, how nasty and thoughtless of the mother to exclude one child.

When my DGCs had birthday parties all the children in their classes were invited for the first couple of years of them being in school, until they made their own group of friends.

At one of the parties a Mother came up to us very emotional and thanked us for inviting her DS, as he had never been invited to any of the other children's parties and was feeling left out. We were aware that he had issues that presented at school but we could not in all conscience leave him out.

As suggested above make the occasion memorable for your DD and I would personally ask the other Mother her reasons for leaving your DD out, nothing she can say can excuse her actions, so let her know that in a calm manner and walk away.

Hope you and your DD have a great time thlgrin

MexicanSpringtime Thu 30-Oct-14 04:04:21

Another one fuming here. In my dd's class there were only six girls and none of us parents would allow any exclusion of any of the six. It's just too cruel.

Hope your dd has a way better time on Saturday.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 30-Oct-14 05:19:17

That is so nasty. I don't remember the bitchiness starting so young. It's usually down to jealousy in some way but I'm surprised the girl's mum is allowing her to exclude someone.

wheresthelight Thu 30-Oct-14 07:02:26

have you spoken to the mum of the child holding the party? is it possible your dd's invite has got lost somehow?

it does seem very unfair that only one girl would be left out and not something any normal person would do surely?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Fri 31-Oct-14 00:53:24

Hi O.P. Just a quick note to say I hope you're little one is okay and to advise you as others have said to go in and speak to her teacher because what is going on is bullying and it needs to be stopped straight away. Your D.D nor yourself or your D.H has to put up with it.
# Detest bullying!.

Scholes34 Fri 31-Oct-14 12:36:44

Is it bullying, or the consequence of thoughtlessness on the part of the parents?

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