to cancel a very expensive treat/birthday lunch for DS because of continued poor behaviour at school?

[thekingfisher]

This may out me… however My DS10 nearly 11 has historically been a 'good' boy - sometimes a little silly but has never been in trouble at school.

However in the last month - he managed to break Huuuuuge window at school by throwing stones at it costing over £780 to replace - he was with another boy who 'incited' him to throw gradually bigger stones at it until it broke.

we were furious/disappointed etc etc particularly as it was during the holidays and they were taking part in an external event held on school property and had already been told many times they had to stay in a particular place which he failed to do.

For that he had total screen ban for 1 week, had to write letter to the headmaster and the organiser of the activity and put £150 of his money into the window.

we discussed how disappointed we were and how it was really mindless behaviour and silly of him to get involved in stone throwing how should have known better etc etc

Roll on the return of school - within 3 days he has a written warning ( a minor note of infraction) for messing around, interrupting and disturbing others - this is the child who has maybe had 4 written warnings in over 7 years at the school-

Today he comes home from school saying he has been given a match ban as at an away event on Tuesday where he was representing the school at an important event he was repeatedly messing around despite 2 tellings off and being told to quieten down.

He had to go and see the Headmaster, and write an apology (twice) to the teacher who ran event on tuesday and has this match ban. - which majorly impacts on the rest of the team as he is one of the stronger players and risks his place in the team….

If you've got this far…well done

His birthday is next weekend - we have booked go-karting with 4 of his friends and taking them out for tea afterwards - however this Sunday we were taking him to a very very smart and expensive restaurant in London for lunch as part of his birthday 'treat' - something we started last year when he turned 10 which my DH's parents had done for him when he was growing up.

So AIBU unreasonable to cancel this lunch - and when we see a concerted improvement in attitude and behaviour at school and at home reinstate it? And also to help him realise how lucky he is to have these opportunities in the first place and therefore to value them more….

In addition no screen time (which could be helpful as they have to start doing some revision for exams starting in 2 weeks)….

Am i being reasonable or not??

[RedRoom]

Teacher here. Totally reasonable. I wish more parents were like you and supported schools by linking at home rewards / consequences to school behaviour. It has happened in the best schools I've worked in. In the two that were on special measures and behaviour was atrocious, there seemed to be no consequences at home for a lot of pupils. It is a really good idea to not discard the idea of the meal totally, but offer it as a reward for better behaviour at school.

[rhinobaby]

I would cancel the lunch, but not say you will reinstate it, just that you expect better behaviour. Of course he may not be bothered about the lunch.....

[MistyMeena]

Another teacher here, although not in mainstream anymore. You are doing all the right things but agree that perhaps meal could be postponed and then reinstated when behaviour has improved?

[Nanny0gg]

Have you any idea where this out of character behaviour is coming from?

[MistyMeena]

Actually just re-read your post. As he's already go-karting I'd just cancel the meal!

[Mrsjayy]

I would cancel the lunch or tell him you are you sound reasonable and trying with him, tbh if it was one of mine I would tell him that you are so dissapointed/angry that you were thinking of cancelling the go karting too but his friends would be punished as well ,

[BarbarianMum]

You sound perfectly reasonable to me!

If its any consolation, dh went through a similar period of pre-adolescent rebellion at the age of 8. Having previously been a model pupil (and choir boy!) he vandalised the school toilets, drew on a wall and went on a major and sustained shop-lifting spree with friends all within the space of 6 months.

After the shop-lifting his parents came down on him like a ton of bricks (no TV or playing out all summer holidays and chores), whereupon he reverted to the straight and narrow and has been an upstanding member of the community ever since.

'Tis a phase if you do what you can to help it pass.

[WooWooOwl]

I'd cancel the go karting over the lunch tbh. He will probably be more disappointed at letting his friends down than he will at not going out for lunch with his family, even if it is to somewhere lovely. But I can understand why that would be really difficult, and unfair on children who were looking forward to it but did no wrong. You could always give him the chance to earn that back though.

[Lara2]

Another teacher here, YANBU to cancel the expensive lunch - I wouldn't reinstate it this year at all personally. I assume the treat with his friends still stands? That's fine, but make sure he knows he's hanging onto that by the skin of his teeth to further push home the point?

[kinkytoes]

Wow, definitely cancel. He's lucky to still be doing the go karting in my book.

[YouTheCat]

I'd be cancelling the meal and also make him earn back his screen time through good behaviour as that will be more of an incentive than a meal anyway.

[YouTheCat]

Also, can he be trusted to behave with his friends at go-karting? I ask as not listening and messing about could be very dangerous.

[ivykaty44]

At ten does your D's really like the treat in London or is it more for you all and a birthday treat?

I would probably incite good behaviour than keep handing out punishments

Small carrots for daily good behaviour at school

But at ten I wouldn't have been bothered about the meal in London, the teat with my mates go karting would be important but to cancel this I think would be ott

[Inertia]

I would cancel the lunch.

I would also make it very clear that if there were any further instances of poor behaviour between now and his birthday, his friends would be going go karting for his birthday without him.

[Mrsjayy]

his friends would be going go karting for his birthday without him.

oh yes ^^ but i used to be quite strict when mine were that age so i would have probably said this first

[Inertia]

Youthecat - your point about safety is very pertinent. Refusing to follow safety instructions at go-karting could lead to injury .

[bronya]

I would talk to him first. You say this behaviour is out of character. Children tend to 'act out' when they are upset/unsettled/worried about something. Have his friendships changed? Is he finding his work suddenly too hard? What has changed? You can punish him (rightly) for doing the wrong things, but you will not fix the problem until you find out what is causing it.

[Primadonnagirl]

Yup cancel the lunch and don't even reinstate.That way he realises
A) your money is finite
B) some lost opportunities can never be got back..
C) he will have to wait till next year cos clearly he's not grown up enough yet for you to trust him to behave in that environment ( I know you probably could but the fact you are telling him he's too childish will bring the point home)
D) it's really not worth making you mad!!
You sound firm but fair...er..can I come to the fancy lunch instead?

[IamInvisible]

I'd cancel the lunch, completely, and I'd also be going further than cancelling screen time as well if he were mine. He wouldn't be going out to play for quite a while.

[BlueJean]

I think it sounds like your DS has a friend or group of friends who he is either showing off to or are egging him on to behave so badly.

Is there a common denominator in all of these events that have resulted in such poor behaviour from him?

I would want to know this before the go karting / tea just in case one of these boys are at the bottom of this.

Of course - even if there is another boy at the bottom of this it does not excuse him at all.He is still responsible for himself but maybe he needs help identifying helpful and harmful friends.

[Floggingmolly]

Cancel the go karting. I doubt the lunch will have much impact, why would it? It won't register with a 10 year old that it's "expensive", just that it's only a lunch out and he still gets to go go karting.

[mummymeister]

agree with others who say you need to get to the bottom of why he is behaving like this. being incited by another boy to throw stones at a window would set the bells ringing for me especially as he hasn't been like this before. was the same boy involved in the football. possible destructive friendship? definitely cancel the London meal and tell him why. also tell him that any failure to follow the instructions at go karting and that would be that. friends collected no meal afterwards etc. if he is pushing at boundaries then you have to set them clearly and firmly. not easy but worth it in the long run.

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

Cancel lunch. Could he earn beads or some such and when the jar is full he gets a reward? So he links an action, to a thing, sees it takes time to earn but can see where he's got too and gets a reward at the end?

Tbh I'd be cancelling go karts too.

[eggsandwich]

I would cancel both meal and go-karting, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions, and I suspect he is pushing the boundaries at the moment, hold firm now and things should be easier later, I speak from experience.

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

With flogging here to. (the poster, not literally! Lol)