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Childless women being treated like they are worth less than parents

(18 Posts)
zeezeek Mon 31-Mar-14 20:04:59

It does seem that on here at the moment, as well as in society in general, we seem to be completely unsympathetic towards and misunderstanding towards people who do not (for whatever reason) have children.

I spent most of my adult life without children - after having cancer treatment I assumed I was infertile, so it was a damn miracle when I got pregnant once, let alone twice.

I have lost count of the number of times that I was told that I did not understand because I did not have children; how I had to make allowances for parents because they needed to be with their children; how it was less important for me to see my teacher parents during school holidays than it was for a parent to spend time with their child.....you name the cliché, I heard it.

When my children were born I did not find the meaning of life. At the age of nearly 45 I still wonder if there is one.

Having children didn't suddenly make me appreciate things more - surviving a life threatening illness had already done that.

My dogs are still the centre of my (and my DDs) universe - although my DDs are there as well, even if my dogs are better behaved.

More than anything, I am not more worthy, more important than I was before I had children and I don't see why the world should revolve around me (or my children) just because I happened to have sex with my husband at the right time and get myself knocked up.

Rant over.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 01-Apr-14 21:35:15

yanbu (from someone who can't have children).
Currently, I volunteer for a certain charity that helps parents in need (UK). A parent will be assigned a 'be friender' volunteer to help them. However, this befriended must have one main criteria.. to be a parent themselves
I am only allowed to do the fundraising and work in the charity shop.
Despite years of child care experience, working with disaffected kids, lots of volunteering, looking after niece and nephew, friends kids etc etc.(i'm 43 and been looking after children on and off since mid teens). surely being a non parent, some would say I might have more energy compared to some parents?
So in that way, I feel discriminated against. Fair enough if I'd never been around kids.. but not the case here.
And I have often been told.. 'you wouldn't understand'
And as for all the years I've worked in retail, where i had to work all the Christmases, Easters, Sundays bank hold etc as the parents ALWAYS got priority… hardly fair, and just adds to the pain of not being able to conceive.. almost feels like a punishment at times

elahrairahforprimeminister Tue 01-Apr-14 21:39:24

Didn't this get posted yesterday?

Are you a journalist?

mercibucket Tue 01-Apr-14 21:40:54

again???

whitepuddingsupper Tue 01-Apr-14 21:41:38

I thought that elah thought I had seen this exact thread already with the title "unfairness to the childless" or similar very recently.

Hamsolo Tue 01-Apr-14 21:42:05

Deja vu

aermingers Tue 01-Apr-14 21:42:38

Yes, exactly the same yesterday.

whatiftheskyshouldfall Tue 01-Apr-14 21:44:26

The poster posted it yesterday - it was a double post, presumably by mistake.

The one not posted on sank while the other remained active. Someone upped this one. No need to assume "journalist." hmm

MojitoMadness Tue 01-Apr-14 21:44:54

Why post the exact same thread twice in 2 days? Did you not get enough answers yesterday? confused

LaGuardia Tue 01-Apr-14 21:49:52

When my children were born I did not find the meaning of life. At the age of nearly 45 I still wonder if there is one.

OP, this statement alone tells me you need professional help.

IamRechargingthankYou Tue 01-Apr-14 22:09:06

My thoughts remain the same over decades - people generally have children - often this is the first time in their lives that they have had to put something before themselves as being the most important thing (some of them might have been responsible for a guinea pig or something). And of course everything is scrutinized now.

Having children doesn't automatically convey a greater sense of 'love' or 'care' - those without children that put others before themselves (and there are many) have these traits as intrinsic.

I have found that those with the least amount of care and love as intrinsic parts of their being are those that are paid to be so.

IamRechargingthankYou Tue 01-Apr-14 22:15:35

And OP - you don't need professional help - you have just stated an opinion that you are perfectly reasonable to state.

IamRechargingthankYou Tue 01-Apr-14 22:40:25

And actually now I've read your post I'm wondering who these viperous ladies come from, so keen to shoot you down as a journalist. Are their lives so narrow? Can't they see beyond their own narrow view to see yours? Yours seems clear to me.

Alley up you vipers! You little girls have barely lived long enough to form your own opinion, of course we've got the plethora of teachers, nurses and compadres paid to take on the roles that so many of us take on unpaid every day - yes tell us how it is and that this OP doesn't have an opinion.

Of course she does - and when you little girlies with your hoisty pants get to 45 and beyond (grandmammies be most of ya by then) then shoot her down.

Yep - a lot of your ages can be measured against the hills, but most of you are little girls that haven't done much beyond the biological.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 01-Apr-14 23:23:32

why would anyone assume, journalist??? OP is not being provocative or controversial at all

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 01-Apr-14 23:28:38

Didn't you post pretty much the same thing yesterday?

Why?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 01-Apr-14 23:29:13

ah ok just found the other thread. posted twice by mistake?? can you reply, thanks

specialmagiclady Tue 01-Apr-14 23:40:59

I completely agree that a lot of guff is spoken about how transforming parenthood (it is! but it's not the only transformative experience out there!)

And I can see that parents can be unbearably smug about something that is essentially a biological fact.

I do, however, disagree on the subject of what I assume is Homestart volunteering.

A very good friend of mine was a nanny for 10 years. She had sole charge, including many nights, of a little boy from a very small age (a few weeks) until he was 3 or 4. She had looked after up to 4 kids at a time for long long hours. We used to have this conversation where she would criticise the parents of her charges and I would say "yes, but you don't really get the sheer bloody relentlessness of parenting and how it wears you down" and she would say "yes but…" and recite the above experiences.

Then she had a baby. He's 3 now. She totally gets why the parents of her charges aren't always consistent, don't always get it right etc.

So I can see why Homestart and other voluntary organisations would prefer you to be a parent. You would have to be a quite exceptionally empathic person to "get" it. These schemes are often not about "looking after the children" but about "supporting the parents". I think it would be harder to do that as a non-parent. Not impossible, but I can see why they draw that line.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 01-Apr-14 23:43:06

yes, Homestart. fairy nuff i guess,,

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