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AIBU?

about funeral?

119 replies

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:28

I know I probably am being a bit U, but could use some perspective.

Relative sadly died last week, had been ill for a while, though I didn't know (not really in contact with relative's children). Anyway, funeral is tin a few days time. I will be going, no question about that. Even though I find funerals difficult, have been to a lot more than many people my age (sadly longevity is not a family trait).

Anyway, I have to go. But I'm single and so will be there on my own. Which means I will a) have no support b) stick out like a sore thumb as everyone else will be in couples apart from me and c) face a barrage of questions from my relatives about my lovelife, why haven't I found anyone, and so on :(

I've been single at practically every family event going back many years, weddings, christenings, funerals. I know at the last funeral people did look askance at the fact I was there on my own. My relatives are lovely, but being single for years and years is completely outside their experience of life.

It's not even just the questioning; I know I will feel sad/upset, and I would like to have someone there to lean on. A friend has offered which is incredibly kind of her, but she can't really afford to take time off work, and being selfish I think turning up with a friend in tow will if anything make me look even more odd :(

I guess, short of being able to magically grow a boyfriend in the next 48 hours, I have to suck it up and go on my own don't I?

OP posts:

Report

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/03/2014 12:31

sorry - you're worried about not having a boyfriend to attend a funeral with? it's not a wedding. why would anyone care if you go alone or with a friend?

BakerStreetSaxRift · 02/03/2014 12:35

You've lost all perspective on this, it matters not a jot whether you have a date when you ate attending a funeral, without meaning to be harsh, it's really not about you.

YABU

Sorry to hear about your relative.

LouiseSmith · 02/03/2014 12:36

I'm willing to bet not many people will bat an eyelid. My grandfathers funeral, I can barely remember who else was there. I think your petting about the wrong thing.

If your that worried have you got a male friend you could take with you?

AlpacaLypse · 02/03/2014 12:37

Funerals are complicated aren't they? They're actually much more about the living than the dead.

I'm afraid you are stuck with it though. As you say, you can't conjure up a partner from nowhere to lean on for the day.

If you're feeling very nervous about the social aspect of it, you could slope off directly after the service or very early in the tea and cake bit, saying sadly you have work commitments/transport issues.

MammaTJ · 02/03/2014 12:38

I would probably go alone to a family funeral anyway, unless it was close family, as DP hasn't met my more distant relatives. Odd to go to a funeral if you haven't met the deceased!

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:39

Why would anyone care? At the last funeral, I was on my own, and my relatives did ask why - where was my partner (didn't have one), oh - was I still single then etc?

It's just hard being at an occasion where everyone has their wife/husband/partner with them, and I don't, especially an emotional occasion.

I don't know anyone personally who has been to a funeral on their own other than me.

No male friends to ask unfortunately.

OP posts:

JanineStHubbins · 02/03/2014 12:40

It's not odd to go a funeral if you haven't met the deceased. Plenty of people do, to offer sympathy and support to the bereaved relatives.

TangledTiara · 02/03/2014 12:41

Op, as a lone parent myself I understand how you feel

You have my sympathy

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 12:42

This really isnt an issue OP. no-one will be standing there thinking "how odd that the person who has been single at every other family event turns out to be single at this one" they really wont.

MrsDavidBowie · 02/03/2014 12:43

I went to my dad's funeral without dh.
I wasn't aware it was social convention to have a "bring one".

AlpacaLypse · 02/03/2014 12:43

I've been to funerals on my own, although usually because it was a friend of mine that DP hadn't known. Last summer I travelled to my uncle's funeral alone, although I did meet one of my sisters outside the church and we went in together. Neither of us had brought our children or partners - they'd never met.

PacificDogwood · 02/03/2014 12:44

I am sorry for your loss.

I think there are 2 issues here: you'd like some support there with you, your friend has offered, so you have an option in that department.
You are not in a comfortable place about not having a significant other yourself, so find it hard to parry the questions about it. That one is harder, but really is your issue and not your nosey relatives'.

I hope the day goes as well as these things can go.

BackforGood · 02/03/2014 12:46

I'm with the first few posters. This isn't about you. Nobody needs a partner to go to a funeral with. Lots of people (married / in a relationship or not) go to funerals on their own - I would go to the funeral of someone I know but my dh doesn't really, (for example I go to Church and he doesn't so know a lot more people there) and he would go - say to a work colleagues. Commonly, I would go to more of people we both know as well, as my work hours are a lot more flexible and I can move things around to get there and he can't so easily. That said, when I was teaching, I'd got no chance of going to a funeral other than parents spouse, sibling or own children.
It really is a bit odd to worry about being on your own at a funeral. Nobody notices who is with who.

Now, your family making you feel uncomfortable, rather than welcome, whenever they see you, is a different matter.

Birdsgottafly · 02/03/2014 12:47

By my understanding it's your families attitude to needing to be in a partnership that is the real problem?

Could you start the conversations this week by dropping into the conversation that you will be coming alone.

It's awkward because a funeral isn't a time to challenge attitudes.

If you really need emotional support take your friend up on her offer.

feebeecat · 02/03/2014 12:47

YABU - funerals generally tend to be about the person that died.

I have little idea who was at my fathers funeral, never mind who they did/ did not come with. I suspect it's more about you/being single/past experiences. I have a friend who gets this so do understand.

Think I would be inclined to go to the service, makes sure you pass on condolences to those who matter and then leave. Have never liked the 'social' bit after - been to too many and hate all that small talk after such an event. That way you go, you get to say your goodbyes and get away before any 'quizzing' about you/your life can start.

Sorry about your relative.

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:47

I appreciate it may seem a non-issue to others, but I know my family will ask why I'm there on my own, and can pretty much guarantee no-one else will be.

I don't know if having my friend there will help tbh, I know she can't afford it (so would feel guilty for asking), and I will be even more conscious of looking out of place.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 02/03/2014 12:49

I really don't think people will be thinking about you or lack of a partner, beyond a short, polite attempt at small talk.

They will be thinking about the deceased and about their own grief.

2blessed · 02/03/2014 12:50

Sorry for your loss OP.
struggling to understand your situation
I think I would understand more if it was a friend or acquaintance's funeral but its a relative. Surely that should be a support system in itself. Then again I appreciate different family dynamics. Good luck with however you choose to go forward.

ilovesooty · 02/03/2014 12:51

I'm single and have been to plenty of funerals on my own. This shouldn't be about you and you need to develop some strategies to address this situation quite frankly.

2stopspastdagenham · 02/03/2014 12:52

Actually I agree with op. People are interested in things like this at family gatherings. She will be asked and I see why she's fed up. I'm guessing those here are either being disingenuous or are the nosy ones and don't realise it and do similar themselves at family events.

No help I'm afraid op. Just I do understand.

Best wishes
X

beachcombers · 02/03/2014 12:54

I can predict the quizzing will start while people are waiting outside the church - I know last time relatives were looking around me expecting me to be with someone. I probably can't go to the wake after (if there is one, I've only had details of the service so far), so that's less of an issue.

I don't have parents or siblings, if I did that would obviously be some support, as it is I will feel very much on my own.

OP posts:

Dubjackeen · 02/03/2014 12:55

Sorry for your loss OP. Are there family members that you are close to, that would support you, as you will be sad/ upset. I would find it very strange that anyone would query why someone was alone, at any gathering, but particularly a funeral.
If it's just some particular relatives who are asking silly questions, try to steer clear as best you can. The good thing about your friend coming along, if she can, is, it might stop them asking silly questions.

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2014 12:56

Maybe you could just bring someone to the after party!!!?????

Hoppinggreen · 02/03/2014 12:57

Sorry for your loss as well as snarky comment above by the way

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 02/03/2014 13:01

"I'm guessing those here are either being disingenuous or are the nosy ones and don't realise it and do similar themselves at family events."

Or this just doesnt happen at the funerals we attend?

I'm single and have been for most of my adult life. I have never been to a funeral with a partner (that doesnt mean i would have liked support at some of those) and never once been quizzed or asked about my love life. My dcs yes, my parents/sister by those who know them, my work but never my lack of partner so i find it difficult to understand that this will be the focus of OP's conversations with other mourners.

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