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to think its a little bit off to host a party for your dc with a sleepover for a select few immediately after?

(132 Posts)
Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 18:41:27

So the 'b' listers get collected and the 'a' listers get to stay the night.

Only serves to make the b listers feel a wee bit shite?

BrittaPerry Mon 14-Jan-13 20:02:44

When I was little it was usually:
Morning: aunties, cousins etc come and go

1pm best mate comes to help set up, do hair etc. often children of parent helpers too

3pm rest of party arrive - about 15 of them

6pm end of party, all but about 3 go home

Sleepover for remaining 3

It was a pretty standard setup, except some people had their party at a place rather than at home.

You know who your friends are <shrug>. There was a bit of fluidity but that was just what happened.

lockets Mon 14-Jan-13 19:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerylStrop Mon 14-Jan-13 19:26:54

LOL at "demoting" friends
That's not how it works, is it? Friendship?
I think it all depends on numbers and proportions
90% sleeping over = mean
20% sleeping over = fine
Rubbing people's noses in it in anyway = revolting

hattymattie Sun 13-Jan-13 16:03:16

I never knew this was an issue - quite normal round here - already children are sorted by being invited or not invited to the party. I think it's accepted that best friends may stay the night. I've never had an issue about not going to the sleepover. Can't you put a positive spin on it like "they want to see everybody but they haven't the space for everybody to stay but they did invite you."

chocoluvva Sun 13-Jan-13 15:48:54

Equally though, "life does not revolve around" the birthday boy/girl.

If it's not possible to have all the invitees to sleep over there's nothing wrong with having nobody sleep over.

TotallyBS Sun 13-Jan-13 13:19:55

DD was recently invited to a birthday party where she was on the so-called B List. She wasn't BFs with the birthday girl so she was happy just to be invited to the party.

If she was BFs with the party girl AND she wasn't invited to the sleepover then I would consider it my problem and not the party girl's. Afterall, as the above poster has said, life does not revolve around the OP's DC and what might hurt his feelings.

I would have asked my DD to re-examine her friendship and suggest that she demote the girl to just a friend she casually chats to while in class since clearly the other girl didn't see DD as a BF.

Pandemoniaa Sun 13-Jan-13 13:18:46

DP and I went to a party last week. We'd already been invited to stay the night afterwards. Oddly enough, none of the friends that weren't staying over took offence. They just went home. We are all still speaking.

Now I realise we are talking about dcs and not adults here but the principle of not everyone always been able to sleepover after a party seems to be something that you need to learn to cope with. It doesn't help to suggest that children are being divided into 'A' and 'B' Listers when there might be all sorts of practical reasons why the host can't accommodate everyone who goes to the party. I do think that the impact on those dc who don't sleepover can depend very much on how their parents present the situation though. If you give your the impression that they are 'second class' friends who are clearly not liked enough to stay the night then your dcs will probably reward you by feeling exactly that.

threesocksmorgan Sun 13-Jan-13 12:44:23

the world does not revolve around your child. the birthday child is allowed to have a sleep over if they want.

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 13-Jan-13 12:40:39

I dont think its any different to holding a party and then not inviting the whole class. This seems a very acceptable thing to do yet its still leaving children out.

Different people handle things differently, i know adults who wont go to wedding evenings only as they believe if they are not good enough to be allowed to see the actual wedding then they are second class.

bigTillyMint Sun 13-Jan-13 11:01:31

Mintyy, good to see ya! Sorry if your DC aresad

I too must have brutal DC as this happens in both their circles of friends and it is just accepted as totally normal. Sometimes they sleep over, sometimes they don't. They know that we won't have more than 4 sleeping over at a time, and so understand that other families are the same.

Actually, thinking about it, they generally do get asked to sleepover - maybe it would be different if they felt like they were deliberately being left out.

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 13-Jan-13 00:19:23

From my experience had party tonight, invited everyone to sleep over but knew half would not accept as they had never even been over for tea and I didn't know their mums, all dc played nicely no one was excluded due to not sleeping and the 3 dc that went home went home without no fuss. I wouldn't of wanted all of them over tbh but I would of got on with it if they had all accepted. Neighbors dd went home about 11 as she doesn't like staying over night anywhere and now four dc are finally asleep on the sofa and air bed. (phew)

So I suppose in my situation tonight dd best friend (who we know and know the family very well) stayed, her other friend who we have over for tea and I know her father quite well stayed and my friends dd stayed so it could of been classed as A and B friends but it really wasn't meant like that more they were already familiar with me and my house then The others.

I might have a party in future where her best friends stay over and not the others but I would hope it wouldn't leave others feeling left out, it really is a case of do I know that dc well enough to tell them to shut up and go to sleep when considering sleepovers in my house (apart from her sleepover pj party this evening)

PaellaUmbrella Sun 13-Jan-13 00:12:10

I don't have children old enough yet, so don't know what the "norm" is, but it strikes me that to host a party and then have a selective sleepover afterwards is a pretty shitty and insensitive thing to do.

Jux Sat 12-Jan-13 23:33:31

Seems pretty standard round here.

I agree that it is a shit way to find out that you're ot a close friend when you thought you were, though. Depends on the age of the child too.

AnotherPhase Sat 12-Jan-13 23:32:07

This is pretty normal IME.

Mine are generally a b listers apart from with closest friends. They've never expresssed upset at this ...they go, take a gift, have a nice time and come home.

I haven't done it myself, but have done it the opposite way round whereby mine have had a sleepover the night before a party with their closest friends, and then invited a couple more for bowling etc the next day. It simply boils down to space for us.

lockets Sat 12-Jan-13 23:23:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 12-Jan-13 23:09:00

Have now read some more of the thread, and it says it all really that people are saying that they would be 'pleased' if their DD was one of the chosen ones for the sleepover.

Human nature I know, but that is also why the DCs feel as they do.

Them and us.

Journey Sat 12-Jan-13 23:06:20

I think it is very insensitive if it is a small party. The dcs invited to the sleepover will surely mention it during the party making the ones not going feeling left out.

I'm surprised by the number of posts who think it is okay especially for incidences where 4 dcs are invited to a party but only 2 for the sleepover. That is extremely rude and hurtful in my opinion.

ExitPursuedByABear Sat 12-Jan-13 22:58:52

Not read the whole thread as it is late, but this happened a couple of years ago with a 'friend' of DD's. 10 girls invited, 5 were sleeping and 5 not. It was shite. The ones who were sleeping played upstairs and wouldn't let those who weren't sleeping in with them ( I think they were 11 at the time). We collected DD who said how rubbish the party had been.

Funnily enough, two of the girls who were sleeping were cold and miserable as no proper bedding available, so phoned a parent at 1am to collect them. They were told to let the party Dad know they were leaving and they found him in bed with the 'babysitter' who had been helping out with the party.

He is not and ex Corrie actor, oh no

TheOriginalSteamingNit Sat 12-Jan-13 22:53:02

I wouldn't do it. But have had a mum say to me 'just a few are sleeping after so we're not saying it to everyone but....'. At which I'm afraid I was pleased dd was one of the Chosen, but it's not something I'd risk,and it would make me feel guilty if I did.

YellowDinosaur Sat 12-Jan-13 22:49:30

Not read whole thread but read all of op's posts....

How many children were at the party and how many stayed? This makes a big difference imho. If 10 at party and 2 or 3 stayed you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If 8 stayed YANBU. If somewhere in the middle there is room for debate...

Which is it?

Butkin Sat 12-Jan-13 22:41:07

Don't you find that the children invited to sleep over are usually a) best friends that come to visit all of the time anyway b) children of parents friends or c) children that live a long way away?

Children get into cliques and certainly DD knows exactly who would sleep over with whom after any given party. She wouldn't care less unless it was one of her particular set and then the invitation would be a formality. She hates sleep overs though so would probably refuse!

ledkr Sat 12-Jan-13 22:38:14

I hate sleepovers cos no matter how many times you ask them they never shut up.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 12-Jan-13 22:29:39

Aw minty I thought it was about bread why you left, but thank you the claws did come out.

Glad your back, we all need a good flounce sometimes it gets rid of the cobwebs

Mintyy Sat 12-Jan-13 22:23:00

I did Brandy. Hated the way that thread went and was really disgusted at the way you were bullied.

But I have slipped tonight ... blush

HollyBerryBush Sat 12-Jan-13 22:15:57

Ds(12) went to a 30 hour sleep over - now thats what I call above and beyond the call of duty - and I have absolutely no intention of reciprocating grin.

I did throw the very shattered parents a bottle of wine, pronounce then insane and thabk them profusely for my very relaxing weekend.

She did a big party thing, skating, fun fare, pictures, sleep over, lunch and a pick up at 6pm - not happening in my life time!

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