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To not want to take my children to Australia?

(256 Posts)
Andro Fri 04-Jan-13 19:48:42

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

GirlOutNumbered Fri 04-Jan-13 19:51:11

I'm very shocked at the suggestion.

HuggleBuggleBear Fri 04-Jan-13 19:51:26

Why can't the inlaws visit you rather than you them and make the journey to see their grandchildren?

Mrsrudolphduvall Fri 04-Jan-13 19:52:01

They should come over.

tinypumpkin Fri 04-Jan-13 19:52:42

YANBU, it is an utterly crazy and cruel suggestion. Can DH's parents not fly to the UK?

RedHelenB Fri 04-Jan-13 19:52:46

Could they not come & stay with you instead? It must be awful for them not to see their grandkids but obviously flying is out of the question for now.

catgirl1976geesealaying Fri 04-Jan-13 19:54:26

Yes - why on earth can't the come here?

Or pay for you to go via a cruise ship and compensate you for the eons of time off work you'd need to do it that way.........


BellaVita Fri 04-Jan-13 19:54:31

I think they should come to you, would be cheaper for flights for a start as there is only two of them.

maddening Fri 04-Jan-13 19:54:33

Yanbu to keep ds here - he should not be subjected to this.

Why can't they come here ? Less people to fly and no disruption to a child who has gone through enough.

Your dh needs to make his dm see this is his decision too.

TeaDr1nker Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:07

What an awful situation your DH is in. Of course YANBU to say no for now, can they not come and visit here instead?

StanleyLambchop Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:12

Another one in favour of the Grand parents coming over instead. BTW your DH really needs to pull them up over comments that you get no say as you are not a blood relation. That's not on at all.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:39

'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?'

shock shock

Someone that has said this about the woman who has taken on her bereaved grandchildren really doesn't deserve to be given a seconds thought. What an awful thing to say!

Is there a reason why they can't come here? Sorry if you said and I missed it.

There is no question that you shouldn't go, I think you need to close the subject with your DH. Tell him it is no longer up for discussion, and stick to it. He will have to deal with his mother himself, there is nothing to be gained from the two of you going over and over it and then falling out.

LindyHemming Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cakebar Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:56

Did the in laws emigrate to Oz? Or is the family from there? Did Sil live in Oz before the accident? I have more sympathy if they are from Australia but yanbu and of course he can't fly until he is ready.

NatashaBee Fri 04-Jan-13 19:55:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocoachannel Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:00

YANBU. Far from it. That child has had enough trauma in his life without adding to it.

Even if you were to sedate him (and I agree with you view on this), you wouldn't do so until he was on the plane which would be difficult enough.

Added to the fact it's just common sense not to take him, if his therapist says it will negatively effect his progress you should absolutely follow their professional advice and tell your ILs this.

I do understand that having lost a child and in-law your MIL will desperately want to see her grandchildren but I can't see why she would want him put through this. I'm assuming there are valid reasons why they can't travel here to see them?

ZebraInHiding Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:14

I think if the therapist says he is not ready, then they are the ones to be listening to. Can the therapist talk to the il? Strange I know, but if it does the trick?

Do they Skype?

Andro Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:24

They say it would be too upsetting to come back to the place where their DD died (we live a few minutes away from the accident site).

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Fri 04-Jan-13 19:56:53

yanbu at all, your DH needs to firm up on his position here

OddBoots Fri 04-Jan-13 19:57:03

You are totally right, they should come here and/or set up skype (if that isn't done already).

backwardpossom Fri 04-Jan-13 19:57:17

YANBU. Why on earth can't your parents-in-law come here?

Hulababy Fri 04-Jan-13 19:57:18

Can you get a doctor's note quoting that he should not fly at present?

Purplehonesty Fri 04-Jan-13 19:57:55

Tell them his Doctor says no he must not fly.
Job done. Up to them to visit. Cheeky feckers.

backwardpossom Fri 04-Jan-13 19:57:55

Sorry, cross posts. YA still NBU though.

Yama Fri 04-Jan-13 19:58:22


You clearly have ds's interest at heart. Keep protecting him from this madness.

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