Because I am so hurt about my thoughtless Christmas presents?

[Befevered]

Oh I am trying not to be shallow and I've been fighting it every 5 minutes when I want to burst into tears but its winning.

So long story short, I've already opened my Christmas presents from my significant other. We're both women in case this gets confusing as to why I'm upset at getting a power tool!

For the first time in 7 years we will be apart this Christmas. Her family have been through a tough time this year so she's gone to be with them in one end of the country and I'm with my family who have also had a rough 2012 in the opposite end of the country. It was either split up for Christmas and get a few precious days together before we go back to work, or spend the full 10 days travelling from one end of the UK to the other and back to London. That's not an exaggeration either. They are almost at the very ends of the UK.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts last night. I spoil her every year because she bloody well deserves it. She works so hard all year so I want her to feel super special at Christmas. I start planning what I want to give her in August. madness I know but I earn a tenth of what she does so I have to plan and save, not just for her but for our families and friends too. I take care of all the present planning and buying for both sides.

Back to last night. I could't wait for her to open hers. She had a big pile of big, medium and small expense presents. Everything had meaning. Everything was for HER, none of it was for the house or the car or the bike etc. it was all her. I walked from one side of the city and back at least 3 times in a month looking for just the right type of gadgety thing she wanted. She got clothes, Apple stuff, toiletries, books etc etc

As she was opening hers I started on mine. In order I got socks, 2 jumpers (a size too small) for work wear, a power washer for the patio, a Kindle, slippers and a drill. Yes, I got a drill and a power washer for Christmas. I have to say I was absolutely gutted. I cried in the loo this morning and I'm welling up now at the thoughtlessness of it all except the Kindle. I should point out the only reason I got the Kindle was because I sent her the link and asked if she thought it would be any good because I was going to upgrade my old one.

A drill.

And a power washer.

They are both house presents. They're not for me. I need a new purse (current one literally fell apart in Nov), earrings (my only "good" pair were stolen), cosmetics, toiletries, shoes, winter jacket to name a few. She knows all this. She told me not to buy anything so close to Christmas to give her options. I didn't. I have worn out my shoes they're so old, I froze last month when the weather was really bad because I held off on buying the winter coat to give her "options".

And then I get a drill and a power washer. She could't even be bothered to find out what size jumper I wear. They have to go back so yay, I get £30 credit for M&S at least. I don't know what she was thinking with the slippers. I ready have a pair that I bought myself that I love. The ones she bought are just a much cheaper version of my own.

This isn't about money. I can't stress that enough. This is about not a single minutes thought going in to what I would like for me. Nobody buys me anything for just me. It's either a joint gift or a house gift. I had hoped after several years of bad gifts things would get a bit better but this year was the worst and most thoughtless.

Maybe I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

[LoopsInHoops]

Maybe she's just not that good at presents and you need to tell her what you'd like?

[scottishmummy]

so she buys dodgy pressies,is she good partner otherwise,do you know you're loved?
if youre good couple,maybe just accept she buys crap presents,say thanks but explain well....
tip for next year might be that you ask for vouchers or give her a list

[MerylStrop]

Some people just have different expectations about Christmas.
And some people are just inexplicably crap at present buying.
I think you risk really hurting your partner by being a bit high maintenance. Next year maybe be a bit more directive.

(PS One year I got a jar of pickled onions and an oxford english dictionary from DH. But it didn't mean he didn't love me)

[Arisbottle]

Maybe she doesn't do presents .

People are different, I would find the whole planning from August pounding the streets for hours thing suffocating. You got a kindle, more than most people, get.

[SingingSands]

Let it out and then have a little word about it. I put up with years of bad presents from my dh and then one year decided to give him a list to choose from, of things I really wanted. And you know what? He was so relieved! He's just not good at present buying! He panics and then buys something, anything, to fill the gap. Maybe your partner is the same?

You need to communicate. Unless you've bought her a crystal ball, she's not going to know what you're thinking.

[aleene]

i can see you are disappointed but my first thought was she is just not that good at buying presents. Plus if she has been stressed with family stuff she perhaps has no emotional energy left over for thinking about presents?

My ex-MIL acts surprised every year that christmas has appeared again, and gets in a panic, then gets everyone vouchers. She is just no good at presents.

[Snazzyfeelingfestive]

Have you indicated in previous years that you wanted different presents? I would try being more direct -not blaming, keep it cheerful - and ask if she is ok with you swapping the drill etc to get earrings and a coat instead as you are really short of feelgood personal stuff right now?

[VestaCurry]

If she's usually thoughtful when buying you presents, them maybe the stress of this year has got to her?

It sounds like you are really struggling financially (your shoes being worn out isn't good).

Is the general balance of the relationship good as in reasonable 'give and take' on eg an emotional level?

[Snazzyfeelingfestive]

by the way, I do get that this is about the thought put into present buying not just tin actual stuff, but I would approach it on a practical level and give her chance to think it over without feeling too attacked.

[VestaCurry]

....and agree with snazzy re swapping the drill etc - you need a warm coat and new footwear.

[DowntonSprouts]

I'm sorry you're disappointed. Sometimes we invest so much emotionally in gifts for others that it is always going to be a let down when others don't reciprocate in th same thoughtful way.

I'm sure your DP loves you very much but it sounds as if she just isn't very good at this sort of thing. my DH is a bit rubbish too, the things I've had to return after Christmas!

I got a kitchen aid food mixer the other year. £300 of red shiny appliance that just sits on the side because I don't do baking. Who knows what he was thinking? I expect he saw it in a magazine.

[maxmillie]

Do you have kids? I ask becuase I find it's all about them now - I can't be arsed buying xmas presents for adults anymore. I concentrate my time, money and effort on them now. Maybe she is the same.

[Morloth]

DH is crap at gifts. I know he adores me and knows me very well. But he is crap at gifts.

We had a few years of what you have just experienced and now I sent him a detailed list.

She probably isn't going to get it if she has always been bad at gifts. Don't set yourself up for disappointment and certainly never ever hold off on important things like a winter coat because she 'might' get you one.

Is it a good drill? Nothing like having a good set of tools around the house!

[SminkoPinko]

Sounds like you are more into presents and buying stuff and Christmas generally than she is, maybe? you enjoy it all to the extent that you do all the present buying for everyone, after all, and the fact that she is happy to go with that suggests to me that she is someone who finds present buying a chore. Doesn't mean she doesn't adore you.

[Tortington]

i point and say - i want that...don't fuck it up - i don't want 'something like that...i want that.

[BoerWarKids]

I always give a list then I'm not disappointed :)

If she's a good DP generally then I don't think you have much to complain about, tbh.

[VestaCurry]

Lol custy, said almost the very same thing last week, woman behind us was desperately trying not to laugh.

[RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief]

I send dh links to the John Lewis website with an email saying 'dd wants to get me this' and 'ds wants to get me this' . Otherwise he tries hard but gets it slightly wrong. Eg I get eczema on my eye lids so he noted this and spent a fortune on a Clarins eye cream, which I couldn't use. He does think about it but the execution doesn't usually happen.

[ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay]

I am guessing all the 'tell her what youwant / be detailed / send links' comments don't help if the problem is the lack of thought. The thing is i agree with merylstrop upthread:some people are just inexplicably crap atbuying gifts
i think it is about how muchimportance you put on 'stuff'. I do try with gifts but i'm not great at gifts and do tend to default to staples i think will work (slippershave a proud spot in my gift repertoire). If she shows you she loves you every day in what she does and says i would try to focus on that rather than what she buys. I can imagine it is tough though.

[happierwithgin]

I know exactly where you are coming from. Next year give her a list, its easy to do, you don't really need to discuss it. You are an excellent gift buyer and she is not....its not a reflection of how she feels about you. A friend of mine leaves pics of things she likes on the fridge. Don't let the situation spoil your Christmas, take a deep breath, smile and accept that your partner is crap at buying gifts. Chin up chuck, hope you have a lovely time with your family.

[HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly]

You need to tell her how you feel.

[SavoyCabbage]

My dh let it slip thst he was planning on getting me a replacement hair dryer for Christmas. I only use the hair dryer to dry the dcs hair. It's more something I would put in my trolley at the supermarket.

He has also bought me the same cookery book he bought me last year.

However it's more that he doesn't place much of a value on material goods. He doesn't really want much for himself and shows that he loves me in other ways.

[exoticfruits]

I know exactly how you feel! Presents for the house are not presents for you. However some people are just not good at present giving- give her a detailed list of suggestions for next year. I would also make it plain that the drill and power washer are not welcome- my mother made that quite plain and it never happened again.

[HoleyGhost]

That is a lot of money and effort on presents when you both have family stress and money worries.

If you were my dp I would be annoyed at you going without boots, coat and bag, so you could spend so much on Christmas. Is it because you feel anxious about earning so much less?