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father of 7 month old twins has left us

(87 Posts)
Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:13:41

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?


gordyslovesheep Wed 12-Dec-12 20:16:20


Doha Wed 12-Dec-12 20:20:19

You cannot negotiate with this prick.

Do not discuss anything with him until you have had legal advice and get this asap

CremeEggThief Wed 12-Dec-12 20:21:09

He is abusive and you don't deserve any of this sad.

I don't think counselling is recommended when there is abuse in the relationship.

Please post this in Relationships, where you will receive good advice.

Sorry you are going through this sad.

hazleweatherfieldgirldetective Wed 12-Dec-12 20:21:29

Oh sweetheart, stop giving him power by begging him.

He's a bully and a misogynist to boot, he probably hasn't had any "offers", he's just playing games to make you agree to be a dutiful little housewife.

I know its so incredibly hard, but they won't be babies forever. In a few years this will all seem like a bad memory.

RockingAroundTheBloodyXmasTree Wed 12-Dec-12 20:22:05

get to tge solicitor asap!

HollyBerryBush Wed 12-Dec-12 20:22:46

He is paying a portion of child support because he is paying nursery fees. No consolation but I think you'll find the X% he has to pay will include you redistributing the money to a nursery.

If he is on the birth certificate, and has joint parental responsibility, then surely 50% of the time is a starting point?

As a partner, rather than wife, he has no obligation to support you, so if you are at the end of your maternity pay, your option is to go back to work. harsh, but you wont get any benefits whilst employed. You wont get any if you make your self unemployed either.

However I doubt he can stop you moving within the UK, although getting into rows about something that will happen in 4 years time is just futile and a waste of oxygen.

If he is calling you xyz, why did you give him an ultimatum that included him coming home? I do realise that emotions come into play, but you should realise that you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse.

Move on with your emotions, take him through the CSA, and get a decent solicitor. Document everything, keep his texts.

WelshMaenad Wed 12-Dec-12 20:22:49

Emotionally abusive twatweasel.

Run, lovely. Run to a really good solicitor.

Grumpla Wed 12-Dec-12 20:24:38

Oh my god. What a prick.

You don't need that shit in your life pet. Get yourself to the CAB as a starting point? Then a lawyer.

You CAN do it alone, you WILL do it and one day your babies will be PROUD OF YOU for being such a great mum.

He sounds fucking unhinged to be honest.

PuppyMonkey Wed 12-Dec-12 20:24:44

Had a couple of offers? What a colossal knob.

LemonBreeland Wed 12-Dec-12 20:25:16

Do not even attempt to get this man back in your life as a partner.

As others have said, get a solicitor, go to CSA and sort out everything regarding your children legally.

lovelyladuree Wed 12-Dec-12 20:28:49

For a salary of £250K I would learn to cook and push the vacuum cleaner around.

catgirl1976geesealaying Wed 12-Dec-12 20:29:19


You do NOT need this man back in your life.

Do NOT speak to him. Get a solicitor and deal with him only through them

I really hope you are ok. You will be. But NOT with him around.

ginnybag Wed 12-Dec-12 20:30:42

OP, why do you want this man? He's a prize prick!

Let the law take it's course - you can do far better!

Work out what half the costs of the children are - he should pay that. If this means you going back to work to meet your half, he pays half the child care bill, unless he's prepared to have them half the time.

Since it does sound like he is willing to have them full time, never mind half time, this may not end as perhaps you might want. He may not be too far wrong with 50/50 care. He doesn't have to support you - just your children - and he doesn't have to be nice to you, just civil.

Go to a solicitor, get some solid advice, and in the mean time communicate only in writing.

He's a shit partner, and awful to be speaking to the mother of his children like that, but that doesn't mean he can't and won't be a decent father, unfortunately, and that's what will matter to a court.

LaCiccolina Wed 12-Dec-12 20:31:38

I really get that ur world has fallen apart. I see how hard life must be, but does ur head and heart truly believe life improves with him inside the house?

Seriously babes, please get legal advice now. Please also tell a friend. Have u yet? This is bullying. U need support. Have u any?

Loie159 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:33:57

Poor poor you..... You must be so tired and stressed at the moment, and I know it's hard to think straight when you are tired and emotions are running high....... But stop and think - you don't want your children growing up hearing their mother called names on a daily basis, and watching their dad constantly bully her and tell her she isn't good enough??? You are better than this. As others have said seek legal advice now to know ehat you can / can't do and expect. Be kind to yourself - you have had sole charge of twins, so I am not surprised you are stressed and feeling depressed. Don't engage with him on any of this, you are not s crap mum, go not let him or his family tell you different. You are you DC deserve better than this.

ginnybag Wed 12-Dec-12 20:34:18

But FFS, stop asking this man to come home.

No bloody salary is worth that!

ChasedByBees Wed 12-Dec-12 20:36:31

What a massive cock he is. He sounds seriously abusive and base on what you've said, I can't see how he would be granted joint custody. Get a lawyer!

MrsTomHardy Wed 12-Dec-12 20:37:37

Seriously you do not want this arsehole back... Please get legal advice ASAP..

Do not beg
Do not plead

PessimisticMissPiggy Wed 12-Dec-12 20:38:10

He sounds like an abusive prick. Does he have a cocaine habit?

I ask because of the city working, the change in personality and the irrational behaviour - not to excuse because he'd probably be a prick anyway!

Get a solicitor.

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Wed 12-Dec-12 20:38:47

Please seek legal advice ASAP.

thenightsky Wed 12-Dec-12 20:39:05

bloody hell.... I read your OP with this face --> shock but then got to the bit about him earning 250k and audibly gasped!

What a Fucking Arsehole that man is.

Please don't beg him to come back... beg him to move as far away as possible. God help the poor woman who he selects to do it all again with sad

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere Wed 12-Dec-12 20:39:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daisy3700 Wed 12-Dec-12 20:41:01

No, I'm a good mum. My two elder children are lovely young men (not his children) and my babies are happy little boys, and we have lots of fun everyday.

I'm on beta blockers to deal with anxiety caused by this situation and the closure of my business. He has no empathy.

We have been to couples counselling twice. The first time the counsellor shook her head at him so he walked out, and the second time, the counsellor suggested that he should seek an assessment for Aspergers. I was quite relieved as I thought we had a reason for his lack of empathy, but he has since turned it around on me and keeps telling me that I am the one who needs to be assessed.

The problem I have is that on texts and emails he comes across as totally reasonable. It's only when he is speaking to me that he puts on a nasty low tone and calls me evil, stupid, a prick, and that he will never forgive me for ruining his life. He still wants sex though!

ShipwreckedUnderTheTree Wed 12-Dec-12 20:41:26

Asked for this to be moved to 'relationships'

There's loads of great advice and support for you here.
. You are not alone xx

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