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To expect some help around the house/understanding from DH not just help with baby?

(119 Posts)
aamia Fri 21-Sep-12 07:45:11

So - baby is 6 days old. Birth was okish but have lots of stitches so walking hurts if I do much of it, and I often pull them when sitting down. Very tired still irrespective of amount of sleep (lost a fair amount of blood too and am on iron tablets) and generally just normal new mum stuff.

DH will happily play with baby, change nappies, hold baby etc. That seems to be about it. Oh, and he'll cook - but he's always done that anyway. That leaves me with the following list:

- Cleaning the house (when I came home from hospital the kitchen and bathroom were awful and had to clean those that night before using them!)
- Tidying up (after himself would do!)
- Washing up/putting stuff away
- Organizing washing, hanging up, putting away
- Doing our horses - one of which is his... (he'll hold baby but I have to get them in which involves a fair amount of walking, then I make their feeds, change rugs, make sure they're ok and turn out again)

On top of that, he wants to go 'out' shopping and doing things. I made it to two shops, the horses and for baby's 5 day check yesterday, and felt so awful after all that I didn't even make much sense when trying to talk to anyone! Did have a go at him about that, but all he did was offer to look after baby for a couple of hours while I slept. So this morning I now need to clean up after him, clean kitchen and floor, wash up, tidy the living room and sweep floor, put washing on......

So - AIBU to expect some help with household chores whilst DH is off work on paternity leave????

Coops79 Fri 21-Sep-12 07:50:40

No you're not BU about him pulling his weight, particularly with the horses but you ABU about the amount of stuff that really needs doing in the early days. Stuff the housework, concentrate on your recovery and your new baby. And congratulations!
thanks

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan Fri 21-Sep-12 07:54:41

stop

tell him he has to do the horses or get someone else to do that

tell him you are resting because you do not want to get infected stitches... they bloody hurt, you do not want to have to take antibiotics and give baby diarrhoea if you are bfing. you do not want to lose more blood. if the nidwife is still coming get her to read the riot act to him. not that he will bloody listen if he is like my dh

do not do anymore cleaning up after him...

Veryfrustratedandfedup Fri 21-Sep-12 07:54:54

I sympathise! My DH spent one of his paternity leaves playing on the x box and moaning he was tired. He did things for a da or so each time then announced that he'd done his bit and went back to his lazy ways!

Veryfrustratedandfedup Fri 21-Sep-12 07:55:35

Congrats on your new baby btw!

thebeesnees79 Fri 21-Sep-12 08:15:25

I would have been happy with my dh cooking and minding baby to be honest. your expecting too much

Longtalljosie Fri 21-Sep-12 08:17:24

No - she is absolutely not expecting too much. Cleaning out a horse a week after giving birth with stitches? Just tell him you can't do it.

And also tell him you can't clean as much as you did. And don't.

MistressIggi Fri 21-Sep-12 08:18:33

How is asking him to tidy up after himself "too much"?
I'm assuming you both want the horses, so he should look after them. Pathetic.

nightowlmostly Fri 21-Sep-12 08:21:32

She is not expecting too much, are you kidding?!!!

He should be getting the horses FFS, and putting washes on, anything that will put a strain on his wife, who has just been through the most exhausting and stressful experience of her life. Looking after the baby is all well and good, but tbh it would be better if you could just sit with baby while he does everything else!

Having said that, I would lower your standards for a few weeks, leave the floors, only do as much washing as strictly necessary, get takeaways! Just take it easy and look after yourself, and congratulations!

EasilyBored Fri 21-Sep-12 08:21:51

No she bloody well isn't thebees. Just because your partner is useless, doesn't mean it's normal or right.

What is he doing while you are feeding and looking after the baby? You just grew an entire new person then pushed it out of your body. You need to rest. TELL him that you can't physically do the horses or scrub the house, he needs to pull his bloody finger out and start looking after you. I'm assuming he's got two weeks paternity leave? I would be bloody fuming if my husband expected me to look after his horse 6 days post birth.

Also, if you've lost a lot of blood, it can take weeks to feel normal again, and you shouldnt be overdoing it. That amount of housework is def 'overdoing it'!

Willowme Fri 21-Sep-12 08:23:40

Are u actually serious thebeesnees shock

Rubirosa Fri 21-Sep-12 08:25:17

Ridiculous to say she is expecting too much!

You had a baby 6 days a go - you need to go to bed. For at least the whole weekend, with the baby. Let your DH cook, clean and definitely do the horses.

To be honest though, I would also let the household chores slide a little for the time being. Do you really need to mop/sweep/hoover/clean the bathroom every day? Just concentrate on the basics for now - sleeping, eating, looking after the baby.

DeathMetalMum Fri 21-Sep-12 08:43:08

YANBU with the horse.

Have you actually asked him - can you put the wahing on, or can you do the dishes. I say this as if I need df to do something I have to ask generally. He does do the dishes without me asking, but if its the washing machine he is clueless and I have ti tell him what number etc. I do it myself. nornally as he alway overfills the machine and everything is always over creased etc.
Basically unless I tell him it needs doing he wouldnt know - unless he ran out of socks or something.

Also apart from making sure the kitchen sides are clean. I would try and leave as much as you can.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 21-Sep-12 08:50:22

My DH veers towards crap in the house...we've both agreed that it is better if I ask him to do specific things....like "Will you sort the laundry out and put it all away?" and "Can you clean the kitchen and wash up?"

He's crap when it comes to knowing what to do...it's not an excuse with my DH...because once he knows what to do, he does it.

Maybe you should tell him what to do.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 21-Sep-12 08:51:40

don't expect him to offer to look after the baby....it's his baby too! Just say "I'm going for a sleep....the baby's there."

Cherrypieplum Fri 21-Sep-12 08:57:33

OP this was me three months ago! For the first few weeks I wanted very thing perfect and was buzzing round like a blue-arsed (but intimately-stitched!) fly. I even scrubbed the front door which DH said made him feel guilty, though not quite guilty enough to do it for me. And just last night promises of me having time to myself went down the drain along with the bath water I had just got into when the door flew open and in came DH with wailing baby(!)

I'm not going to say let the housework slide because I found it very stressful to sit there feeding the baby surrounded by clutter. Initially asking DH was useful but it wore thin. We are both now better at doing little jobs more frequently like taking something up
nd downstairs every time we go. I also suggested paying someone to do big jobs that had been neglected like the mowing which shifted him into gear when it threatened future holiday plans.

ledkr Fri 21-Sep-12 09:00:47

Sorry but are you actually kidding?? 6 days after birth you should still be in that foggy sleepy haze where you do nothing but cuddle the baby,eat toast and fend off visitors.A mans job during this time is to do everything and anything that needs doing. Toughen up and tell him what is expected and that you are recovering from birth and will be expecting him to take over whilst you do.
can you ring your midwife and get her to have a word.
He sounds bloody heartless to me.

thebeesnees79 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:01:49

Well I breast feed my kids so feeds are all down to me. My husband works extremely hard (60 hour weeks) so why would I want more than help with the kids? I am home all day! He pays for everything and I clean/cook.
we are expecting our 3rd and he is not lazy!!! He helps me loads with our children.
I am happy with the way we work things, its good for us and we are on our third baby so its not like you can say I don't understand.
I had a horrendous birth with my first so I don't just lay them either.
Help with the baby & cooking in my books is a great help

thebeesnees79 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:04:03

imo she is doing too much and resenting her husband for it. How is that fair?
As long as a decent meal is cooked and mother and baby are clean and fed everything else can wait.
its her fault for running round ragged

dottyspotty2 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:05:34

YADNBU with my eldest now 21 I was kept in for 8 days as I lost so much blood lucky I never ended up back in as I did to much to soon, let the housework slip a little keep to the essentials it doesn't matter but do ask him to help a bit as well.

thebeesnees79 Fri 21-Sep-12 09:09:08

I think that's the problem with some women. they can't say "can you put a wash on" etc they expect it. sometimes men don't see it and they get a hard time over it. if you want more help delegate

Cherrypieplum Fri 21-Sep-12 09:09:57

Bees I disagree. There is nothing worse to me than letting it all build up. It becomes a far bigger and more time-consuming job! Plus if the OP is like me sitting amongst chaos or clutter is awful!

ledkr Fri 21-Sep-12 09:16:01

thebees Men arent a different species you know,just a separate gender to us.
Of course the majority of work comes down to a sahm when the dh is working long hours but 6 days after birth he should step up and allow his partner to recuperate the same as he would do if she felt ill or under the weather.
Also medically she shouldnt be hauling her arse around the shops and seeing to horses with stitches.
I hate all this apology for men not seeing what needs to be done and women have to explain to them or give orders like you would to a toddler.
I wasnt born knowing how to do housework either but I learned,I see men as no different,my dh likes clean clothes and somewhere nice to sit eat or bathe so he also take sit upon himself to share those tasks,i would expect nothing less and after our babies were born I was looked after by him as I believe is the norm post birth.

dreamingbohemian Fri 21-Sep-12 09:17:03

Oh bollocks to delegating -- it's his house too isn't it? his bloody horses? Should she really have to say 'tidy after yourself' or 'put on some washing so we all have clean clothes and dishes to eat off'.

OP YANBU. Six days out with stitches your DH should be in charge of all the household stuff and anything physically strenuous. You should be resting and recovering.

BigFatLegsInWoolyTIghts Fri 21-Sep-12 09:19:50

I think it's fair to ask for a specific task to be done if the DH isn't used to doing the bulk of the housework....my DH does all the DIY and gardening....if he wanted help he''d have to ask me specifically. I don't notice when the borders need weeding...or when there's a hole in the wall that needs filling....I just don't.

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