Mothers not coming to my Wedding because she's won a comp..

[CheekyBambi]

Hi I will try to keep this as straight forward as possible!
Me and DM always had up and down relationship.She walked out on me when I was young to have an affair.Made me homeless in my later teenage years.She's been very selfish.
Move forward some years I've had 2 small ds's and df and house etc.
We've built bridges and she's brilliant with my LO's(although we live 200 miles away from eachother).
When she sees them she's the perfect hands-on Nanny.Couldn't fault her in that aspect.
Anyway I'm getting married very soon.Very very small day.My mother and father can't stand to be in the same room and he said he'd rather not be involved in my wedding.Thinks marriages means nothing and he would rather die than give a speech etc!
Anyway because of complicated families and not to mention cost of Weddings we've decided to have just us and our DC.
My DM was upset and asked to be involved.I actually wanted my DM to be there as it felt it was important.I started planning hair and photographers etc.
I asked if she was certain she wanted her hair done by a stylist who will visit our hotel on the day and she said yes.She saw the hundreds of images of the hair designs that I sent her and she knew how much it cost.I've paid for it now.
I also showed her images of the photographers work.We were going to have 'mother daughter' pictures etc.
I also have a lovely War Veteran who after waiting quite a while got back to me and said he'd be delighted to be a witness and has kept this day in his diary for us.
The official documents have come through saying our time and date confirmation etc.
DM has since won a competition with a magazine.She had to nominate a special person.She chose her niece.(Not surprised as I bought her a pampering day for 2 and told her it was for us but she took said niece-couldn't really moan it was a gift for her after all)
The comp is same day as Wedding.She wanted me to change my day nearly a month later(she has a holiday booked after comp).
The comp involves her getting her hair and make up done going to an beauty awards show and being photographed for a double spread in a magazine.All expenses paid.
She rang my registry office and tried to find out what other days were free.She found out the next day was free(which she could make)but it costs 5 times the amount of our registry office.Not to mention changing the witnesses,photographers,hair stylists,df's day off etc.
Yesterday she said she knew nothing about hair stylists being paid for and pretending she knew nothing about photographers!(Selective memory)
My birthday is 2 days after my booked date and me and df thought it would be good in the future to have two good dates close together so we could go celebrate for two reasons(say long weekend etc).
He also said on principle why should we change our wedding day just because of my mother.
Me and DM had a horrible fall out y'day.She thinks I'm in the wrong and I could change my day whereas she can't change the date of her competition.
Both me and df understand she's caught between a rock and a hard place.
So sorry for the rambling!Just wanted to see what you would do??
Shall I change my day or have my DM not involved?
Thankyou so much for reading

[MugglesandLuna]

She rang the registry office to see what other days they had free for your wedding!

YANBU!

[slartybartfast]

upset that she didnt chose you as her special person.
you could change your day? how far away is it?
for you.
on principal i think she is asking too much of you, she won a competition! pah, whats that compared to a wedding.

[itisnearlysummer]

Don't change your day.

Your original plan was for you, DP and DCs.

You only changed it because of her. Now she wants it changed again?

She can bog off as far as I'm concerned!

DH and I got married as per your original plan for shit-family reasons. Don't regret it at all.

She knows when the wedding is, it's all set and arranged. If she chooses not to attend, that is up to her.

[oohjarWhatsit]

stick to your plans and tell her this is when it is, if she cant come can she let you know as soon as possible so you can cancel her hair etc

[itisnearlysummer]

Oh and have a wonderful day

[Folicacid]

YANBU don't change your plans unless your day would be ruined for you without her there. She's being incredibly selfish.

[ZZZenAgain]

why does it cost 5 x as much to have the wedding the next day?

[Flisspaps]

Don't have her involved.

She should have checked the T&Cs of the competition before entering. I wouldn't change the date of my wedding - I'd expect her to give up the competition prize if anything.

She sounds, as you say, thoroughly selfish and hasn't really bothered to give you a second thought at various stages in your life. I think you and your DP and DCs will have a lovely day together, as per your original plan .

[CheekyBambi]

Thanks for replies!
It would cost 5 times amount as we're in a normal registry office and the other one for fri/sats is very grand if that makes any sense!

[EightiesChick]

Has she told the competition people about this? I find it hard to believe there is only 1 day on which they can do this. It would be worth trying to get them to shift, which if they have a heart, they would and ought to be able to.

[ZZZenAgain]

Is there another woman you are close to - a member of your family, a friend who could come and perhaps be a witness at your wedding and use these bookings you made for your mother?

[Birdsgottafly]

I think that you need to accept the relationship between you and your DM for what it is and not for how you would like it to be. Otherwise you are going to feel constantly disappointed and let down.

Consentrate on you and your DP's, soon to be DH! special day, you have built your own family together, don't let this spoil it.

You do not have to hold back on telling your DM what you think or how you feel, you owe her nothing.

Both of your parents have been incredibly selfish.

[ZZZenAgain]

the competition involves going to a beauty awards show so I supposet hey cannot change the day for that reason

[TastesLikePanda]

I'm gobsmacked mostly that she took someone else to the pampering day that you had bought her... That to me pretty much would ruin any desire I might have to arrange things to suit her.

[lachesis]

She sounds like a narcissistic cow.

I'd ignore her completely.

She's lucky you even speak to her at all, because if she'd been my mother and done what she already has, she'd no longer be my mother.

[chunkythighs]

I really don't think that the issue with your mother is the date or even the comp. I think your mother is an attention whore who will most likely pull some other stunt whatever day you choose.

Go ahead with with your wedding as planned. So sorry that she is trying to take the shine off your familys' special day.

[CheekyBambi]

She didn't dare mention that it was my wedding incase they gave the comp away to someone else.

Thankyou so much for the helpful replies.She doesn't understand why I can't change the days even though we have things booked and have paid deposits etc.I think she wants me to at least try and change.So then she can get a wedding plus her prize.

[lachesis]

Get shot of this person. She's not a mother, she's a waste of space.

[ZZZenAgain]

it's true though , she could have brought it up with the magazine and seen what they came up. MInd you I don't think you want a double spread of photos to include shots of your mother at your own wedding in the magazine which is what they would probably suggest.

[lachesis]

Who gives a shit about what she wants? This wedding isn't about her and what she wants.

[PaperBank]

Don't change the day.

[Firawla]

yanbu, this is very heartless of her, normally a mother would not have to think twice about this!! your wedding should come first

[fatlazymummy]

Go ahead with your planned wedding day. It is your mother's choice to attend or not. IMO it is very bad manners not to honour existing arrangements, once a peson has accepted an invitation then they should attend [barring emergencies of course.]This competition prize isn't an emergency, therefore she should decline it and give the runnerup the opportunity.
I hope your wedding day is lovely, with people who genuinely care for you there.

[EightiesChick]

Unfair to expect you to try and change your plans when she won't try and change hers - well, it's more than unfair but that's how I'd put it to her since she is clearly seeing it as all about her!

Tell her she simply can't have both. You can't change. Her choice is to either work on getting the competition changed, or to decide which one she is going to do.

[munstersmum]

The date of your wedding is set. Try asking her to remember how upset she was when she thought she wasn't invited. You and DF are the hosts but she's trying to have her (wedding) cake & eat it.



Have a lovely, lovely day with those who can show they care about you.