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Adoption

Thinking about adoption as a first choice

20 replies

MissZee · 09/11/2007 21:21

I've been thinking about adopting for a while now and have been reading a few recent threads on here, but most adoptive parents seem to be those who have fertility issues and adopt as a last resort. As far as I know I'm perfectly fertile (never been pregnant - never tried) but I see adoption as quite a serious option for us. Is there anyone else out there who has adopted instead or trying to get pregnant? Why did you choose to do things this way?

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PurplePillow · 09/11/2007 21:29

i'm a single mum to dd (7yrs) and we have been approved for aprox 5mths. i say we because dd had as much to do with the adoption as i had and even told the panel how much she wanted a wee sister.

as a sp the usual way of having another child wasn't a viable option and there are so many children out there that need a good home we wanted to help one of them.

still waiting to be placed though

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wannaBe · 09/11/2007 21:43

have no experience of adoption, but can I ask why you would choose to adopt over having your own biological children?

The process is very long, (up to 4 years), very invasive, ie social services will want to know the ins and outs of every intimate detail of your lives, and ultimatelyly there are no guarantees.

I can only imagine it being like having problems conceiving, but with the doctors wanting you to make a video every time you have sex to ensure you're doing it properly and that you deserve to get pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, I think adoption is a wonderful thing, but I would think hard about whether you are sure you don't want biological children of your own, and whether you are sure you essentially want social services to be a part of your life for ever.

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Kewcumber · 09/11/2007 21:43

there are parents who have chosen adoption as a choice without trying the biological route. Plenty who have tried the straightward biological method but chosen to to have any fertility treatment, much fewer who haven't tried biologically at all.

Most adoptive parents I know who adore their children would still say they would try for bio children first (though perhaps not IVF in my case) simply because of the difficulties of adoptions vs (for many) the potential ease of getting pregnant (no social worker visits, adoption panels, CRB checks, medical, work references, personal referrees, financial statements etc etc).

Most social workers tend to be very suspicious of families who choose adoption as their first way of building a family. I'm not sure why. I suspect (purely conjecture) that they feel you might be adopting for charitable reasons rather than a desperate drive to have a family - all childrne deserve to be desperately wanted rather than a social project! I'm not suggesting thats why you prefer the idea of adoption.

Having said that I do know a few adopters who successfully adopted overseas without trying fertility treatment or even trying to conceive naturally in any way.

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wannaBe · 09/11/2007 21:54

I can see why some would go down the adoption route rather than having fertility treatment, I've been ttc for 2.5 years and have decided that I wouldn't want fertility treatments, although don't think i could adopt either, but I do find it hard to see why someone would want to put themselves through the process if they might be able to fall pregnant quickly. After all, often when we decide to have a family it's almost like a biological need, I want a baby now.

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MissZee · 09/11/2007 21:58

Kewcumber - I have considered that we might be viewed suspiciously!

wannaBe - I wouldn't say I'm interested in adoption for some kind of Angelina Jolie/charity reason. I have always really, really wanted children, I love kids, I've spent my adult life working with children in nurseries and as a nanny - but I don't feel a burning desire to get pregnant, give birth, have a child that shares my DNA. Maybe it's because I know from my experience as a nanny and with my OH's daughter that I don't need to be biologically related to a child to love it? We are two people who want children and there are already children here who need a family; adoption makes sense to me. I realise we would be taking the much more difficult option though.

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oldnewmummy · 10/11/2007 07:39

We adopted as a first option and have never tried to have bio kids. We spent a long thinking that we didn't want kids at all (in denial, as it turned out!) but always said if we did we'd want to adopt since there are lots of kids needing a home.

It's a bit different for us though, as we live overseas and after having sorted out all the various governments' bureaucracies it was quite quick. We were also lucky enough to get our son when he was only a day old, so no real attachment issues to content with (apart from bonding pre birth, if you see what I mean).

People were a bit surprised though. One lawyer I went to see re adopting from INdia obviously thought there was something very suspicious about it, and my gynae looked a bit bemused when I said if we can't adopt we'll try to get pregnant.

Our son is the most wonderful little boy I could ever have imagined and is 100% our son (I think I actually forget now that there is such a thing as pregnancy!).

(As a side issue, in retrospect I think it was too easy (here, not in the UK) in that there is a possibility of people going into to this who haven't thought it all through. We love our son to bits and will do everything we can to make him as happy and secure as possible, but it is very much up to us to read/research/plan etc on adoption issues. Although it sounds they do go a bit overboard in the UK, at least you'll be more prepared).

But indisputably the best thing we ever did, so good luck!

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MissZee · 10/11/2007 14:19

We're both white, it sounds like that may count against us? But I'm not particularly bothered about getting a brand new baby, and would definitely consider sibling groups too.

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KristinaM · 10/11/2007 14:43

if you are able willing to adopt a school aged sibling group or a large ( 3+) group or a group with children with SN then they will be very happy to consider you

you shoudl check out all teh agencies in your area, not just teh first one you coem across or your LA

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Takenoprisoners · 10/11/2007 15:04

We adopted our son at 9 months of age, pretty much the youngest age a child can be adopted in the UK, because even when it is known at the child's birth that, in all likelihood, it will be adopted, it usually takes that long to sort all the paperwork etc. We were incredibly lucky: we had gone through the lengthy pre-adoption appplication and then the Home Study process - it took about a year, and then a few days after going to Panel, we were placed with our son.

Why did we adopt? We had been trying to start a family, unsuccessfully, for some years. We had an absolute horror of going down the fertility treatment route. I had not wanted anything more invasive than Clomid and stopped when that didn't work. I don't think the social workers were 'suspicious' of that and seemed to accept it as the perfectly valid reason it was. The whole adoption process, with its intrusive and invasive procedures, was infinitely preferable to us. We are essentially very private and so found it all quite agonising, but gritted our teeth and stuck it out. With the most wonderful end result, which I view as a kind of metaphorical, truncated and very painful labour! Our son was meant to come to us and we were meant to be his parents.

The irony is that, a few years later, we desperately wanted to add to our family but had found dealing with Social Services so traumatising, even though their involvement in our life ceased once the adoption order had gone through. Going through all that again was too horrible to comtemplate ... so we faced the dreaded IVF. Perhaps because we already had our beautiful son we were able to deal with the treatment, which wasn't nearly so bad as I was expecting, and it worked, first time! Our second son was born and now I'm pregnant again with our third child. But we never, ever regret our initial route because it was what we had to go through to get DS1 and of course, he will know that he came to his family not as some sort of last resort but as a FIRST option.

I would say to anyone considering adoption - go for it. If you have the patience and stamina and can focus on what you want your end goal to be, then do it. Most adopters will tell you how difficult it is - and that is true - but once you are through the bureaucratic hurdles, it can happen smoothly and quickly, like it did for us. But, if you know that you could possibly conceive anyway, social services would probably want some kind of undertaking from you that you wouldn't get pregnant during selection and placement and for some time following, in order to make any adopted child top priority.

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Kewcumber · 10/11/2007 15:49

I'm sure you don't really mean that children adopted after fertility treatment are a last resort. In my case adoption was part of a planned process in which it came chrologically last.

Any more than your third child will be a last resort for coming third.

I know most SS are suspicious of couples who haven't tried any method of having biological children but are relatively relaxed with couples who choose not to have invasive fertility treatment. Like everything else in adoption, you just have to be prepared. Think of the likely questions and make sure you have carefully considered answers to them.

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Takenoprisoners · 10/11/2007 15:55

Not the children being the last resort, of course, but the process of adoption is seen by many as that.

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MissZee · 10/11/2007 19:05

That's what I meant - you try other methods first, and if they don't work then turn to adoption.

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Kewcumber · 10/11/2007 20:11

sorry - I have a thing about adoption being described as a "last resort", I don't think its good for any children to hear the phrase in relation to adoption as it has connotations of being the least good option. And its always used in the context of an adoption not being the last resort as if thats somehow better.

I didn't think that was how you meant it but I'm not the only adopter whose teeth are set on edge by it I know!

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Kewcumber · 11/11/2007 13:22

I've been thinking about this and whether your SW has an issue with you choosing adoption in preference to biologically may depend on who you get. I know a friend who had half-heartedly tried the usual way but had chosen adoption without any fertility treatment or even talking to her doctor about whether conceiving was even possible. They were suspicious to the degree they insisted that we went to speak to her GP about how possible it might be.

UNfortunately in her case, she and her DH gave up the struggle after the sw announced that she fought her DH was gay. The accusation was withdrawn after they threatened to sue but didn;t want to continue after that.

It may be worth going to a LA open evening and sounding out their attitude at that.

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bran · 11/11/2007 14:08

As an adoptor I find it very difficult to recommend adoption as a method of forming a family. I love my ds very much, and he was definitely worth everything we went through to get him (and more), but if there had been an easier way we would have done that.

I think if I were in your position and there was a possiblity of having birth children then I wouldn't have had the resolve to make it through the bad bits. Honestly, in all my adult life I have never felt so powerless, patronised and bullied as I did while waiting to be matched with a child. I still have fantasies about telling one particular social worker what I really think of her.

It's true that we have started assessment to adopt a second child, but dh really had to push and cajole to get me to agree to it. And I still feel like pulling out of it quite often.

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hifi · 11/11/2007 14:35

Hi kewcumber, i dont like the sound of adoption being described as a last resort but in my case and others unfortunately it was. dh and i would have prefered to have a biological child and did everything we could to achieve it, to no avail. our only chance and last resort was adoption.

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KristinaM · 11/11/2007 16:17

i think it can be helpful to distinguish between the process of adoption and the children who are adopted.

i dont think teh children are second choice or second best, but the process here in the Uk is pretty horrendous. IMHO thsi is mostly due to the system here and some of the misguided and ill informed & poorly trained people who implement it. i think Bran's experince is pretty common. It doesnt have to be like that, as the experience from other countries shows.

Partly there is a problem of supply and demand, which means that the majority of families interested in adoption will not be able to adopt the kind of child they woudl like. Most people wish to adopt a healthy baby. Most children awaiting placement are school age, in sibling groups and have developmental delays or other special needs .

In addition, there is a mismatch between the ethnicity of most waiting children and approved families and a policy of same race placement.

i think that all this makes the process a bit of a nightmare for most families and extremely protracted for children

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Kewcumber · 12/11/2007 09:26

Hifi - I'm being a bit precious really as it wasn't until I had DS that I stopped thinking of adoption as a last resort. It's just that I can't bear anything which impleis I would have prefered a different child because I wouldn't.

I would have preferredto have given birth to him so that he was spared the uncertainty that adoption brings with it but it is still him that I would want.

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oldnewmummy · 13/11/2007 03:48

I know what you mean Kew. In some ways I regret that we didn't think about/have kids earlier, but if we had then we wouldn't have had THIS boy who is just perfect for us. So I think of it as fate, that we were waiting for him.

Blimey, sounds a bit all religiousy!

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hifi · 13/11/2007 09:47

kew, know exactly what you mean by the different child bit, we dread to think of one tiny decission change or balls up that could have prevented us getting dd, there were enough anyway. we look at her and know we couldnt have made her.

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