Life story talk guidance

[Gertruude]

Hi all

One of our LO's is talking very regularly about BF and asking when they can see BM and why she can't see her. I always empathise and gently explain that BM couldn't keep them safe, judge decided they couldn't live there and needed new forever family (basically talking through the life story boom structure we've been given). But I don't know if the things I'm saying are helpful or not as I'm obviously just going by my gut instinct but it's all such heavy stuff for a 4 year old. In trying to build LOs self esteem I feel like I'm being so empathetic to the BM that my LO could be left feeling sorry & worried for her and I feel like this could be just as damaging. I've no idea really!

I'm wondering if any of you would recommend any particular books, courses or resources which may be useful for me in terms of giving me the confidence of what to say / what not to?

I've seen a few books on amazon but unsure as some seem more aimed at practitioners (perhaps this could still be useful?).

Anyway, long story short any advice or guidance would be massively appreciated!

TIA

It’s not about shutting down dialogue. It’s about being honest. My son knows he can ask me about his birth parents and we’ll talk about them. However, I’m clear he isn’t going to live with them/meet them as they can’t look after him. It’s the facts.

There’s nothing unwise about that

I think it is a question of dialogue because it is about a decision. Honesty is good of course. But in relation to decisions, whether it was a decision by you, or by the SW/court and accepted by you, there would have been reasons. It is a question of being aware of the reasons why the decision was made and being able to discuss them in an age appropriate way over the years - ie the dialogue. Otherwise it is more like that your dc as a teen may for example seek out their bio parents online in secret, I believe - this is just an example, and is a live issue.

It is likely that the reasons why f2f wasn't considered appropriate are different from the reasons why the dc wasn't able to live with bio family, which is why I said there are usually two different questions to consider.

Hope that makes sense. We climbed a mountain yesterday and my brain was a bit addled last night so might not have explained it very well.

I agree and I think we’re saying the same thing.

I think we have to be realistic though and accept that there will be more than a few who will meet birth family before they are 18.
My son is 15, and has not seen his birth mum since he was 4. We had very intensive theraputic life story work, after which at 14, he expressed a well reasoned wish to see her. I agreed with him in the context of the work he had done. The LA refused to help him. At the time I did not feel able to pursue it independently.
But after he has done his GCSEs this summer, I will have a conversation with him and if he still wants to I will contact her.

@Ted27 good luck. That must be tough

Personally, I think it is an unhelpful response, and most likely untrue, to say to an adopted child they will never see birth parents again.

Unless the child was abandoned like those in some countries (or the UK in the distant past) where they were found at a police station or hospital and birth parents cannot be traced.

For most children in the UK their birth parents are known and many of us are in letterbox contact with one or both birth parents.

There may be some situations where the history is so traumatic that it is best to say you won't see them again. And if that applies in some cases here then I would understand that.

For us, our son's birth story was not so dramatic, we are in contact with his birth mum by letterbox and he has asked about seeing birth family. We consulted with our support and they said it was not advisable yet.

I am fairly sure at 18 or later our son will try and make contact with birth family and so for that reason we will explore this again before he hits 18 so that if he still wants to see them, and if it is possible, we will be able to be involved with that process. I would imagine after 18 there is no requirement for us to be involved but we would still offer if this helped him.

I do not know what, if any, expectations our son has of meeting his birth family, in one sense I think it is perhaps curiosity for him, and we will do our best to help him in an appropriate way. If he had been abused etc, I am sure I would feel differently; and he may or may not feel differently too of course.

The difficulty with being blunt is that it can shut down discussion coming from the child. When they are young a lot of talk comes from us, as parents - what to do/what not to do/reassurances/words to describe the world etc. As they get older we may find that discussion/thoughts/opinions coming from the child are vitally important.

I think the toughest thing will be managing her expectations.

He is naturally curious, he wants her to see how well he has done. He has no intention of running off to live with her. He is happy, he has a good life, its very black and white for him, bluntly he knows she cannot give him what I so, or as he put it ' why would I want to live with her, you are by far the safest bet' Sometimes autism is an advantage

Strongmummy I only saw page one, I didn't see page two when I wrote my comments just now.

So you are making a distinction between him seeing them before 18 and after 18. If you are saying he may see them when he older then I think that is exactly what i have said too.

Ted27 that is going to be tough but well done for looking into that. as I just said above, I want to consider it for my lad before he hits 18 because I want to be part of the process. I think he could do it before 18 (Facebook whatever) without me but I hope he will include me/his dad.

It is very hard thing and I think managing my boy's expectations will be hard. I expect he will also not like what he finds, Strongmummy.

I think the later life letter will come in useful in preparing him.

Personally I think all adopted children should have theraputic life story work.

My son knows pretty much everything there is to know. His wish to see his birth mum is grounded in knowledge of the life she had as a child, which really gave her no chance of being a successful parent, and how she is living now. Same with dad. He really is under no illusions. He will meet her on his terms.

Ted that sounds like he is very grounded and you have done a great job in preparing him.

I wonder if part of wanting to meet for some kids is about just seeing it is all as they think, which is why honestly is so important. Not glossing over, not over embellishing. Which is why the dishonesty of the past in adoption are such a real horror. Knowing why things have happened does help so much, IMHO, as knowing that they happened.

Personally I think all adopted children should have theraputic life story work.

Absolutely, my DD has just been referred to a specialist CAMHS service for therapeutic life story work - I don’t know how adoptees could make sense of their own lives without that kind of process.

@Italiangreyhound yes definitely and I should have been clearer. It was my fault. I’ve always said to my son that when he’s older and if he wants to find his birth mum I’d help him. However, before 18 he isn’t meeting her. He has his forever family and that’s that 🤣

Great, that sounds totally right.

@Thepinklady77 & @sassygromit. Thank you for your responses. And yes, as a birth parent I am coming from a different perspective, so am not nuanced in the language and approaches used to support children through this process - I’m a teaching fellow in higher education in the areas of early childhood and education, so that’s my field, not adoption. All of your comments are really helpful; I’m aware at some point the twins may come looking for explanations from birth family, or the adoptive family may feel comfortable enough to agree to direct contact, and of course it will be helpful for me to be able to explain things in a way, and using the same language, as their now parents use. That way the explanations will be consistent. I hope no one feels like I’m intruding on their space here. I think like everyone I’m just trying to find the best way going forward and honestly, your comments and feedback are really helpful.

• grandparent!!!!!

I agree that all adopted children should be entitled to therapeutic life story work - and legally they are. The adoption fund allocates £5k per child for therapy, and there is no ‘ time limit’, so you should t really have to go through the overstretched services of CAMHS. I fought really hard to ensure that attachment t a d life story wok was included in our little ones permanence plan, whether they received it or not I don’t know - I do not that the LA claimed the money from the ASF.

Its really not as simple as that though @CIArabelle67 Children may require multiple therapies, our life story story work cost much more than £5k and we were having another therapy alongside it. We had ASF in its first year when there was no cap.

I see life story work as a continuous process, but the sort of intense theraputic work we had would not be suitable for primary aged children.

£5k per child for therapy, and there is no ‘ time limit’, so you should t really have to go through the overstretched services of CAMHS.
I’m in Scotland so post adoption support funding works very differently - the type of therapeutic work on offer is undertaken by a specialist CAMHS service which we’ve been referred to, which is the correct process and service for my home nation.

And I agree @Ted27, very intense work wouldn’t be appropriate if the type your DS did would be too much for my DD, at her age they’re just starting the process of helping her understand her life story so far - she doesn’t have a coherent narrative for the first 6 years of her life so we’re looking at building some of that in a therapeutic setting which will hopefully lay the groundwork for other work as she grows.

@jellycatspyjamas ASF is not available in Wales or NI either

@ClArabelle67 you are absolutely not intruding on anyone’s space. These boards are for everyone involved in adoption. We have some birth mothers who frequent these boards regularly and help enrich our perspectives on adoption.

From what I have read of your and your story I feel it is very sad that indeed direct contact with yourself was not suggested at part of the adoption plan but that is another thread and one that many may or may not agree with.

@Thepinklady77, direct contact was part of the care plan, agreed by the cafcass guardian, the judge. The LA didn’t put it on the matching profile and no section 51 order was made. I’ve no idea if the adopters even know.
I assumed the ASF was nationwide, as adopters do you get priority with CAHMS? @Ted27, it sounds like you’ve done amazingly well at ensuring your boy gets the input he needs. Was he diagnosed with autism before he came to you or has it been a process?

I don't know about other parts of the UK, but in England no adopters don't get priority for CAHMS. The GP referred us 5 years ago, I'm still waiting, I havent pursued it because we had ASF funding. I have friends who have been told that unless the child is suicidal they have no chance of an appointment, Many CAHMs are pretty clueless about adoption anyway.
My son was much older than most adoptees, he was nearly 8 and arrived with a diagnosis and a statement. He was in a bad way when he went into care. He was fortunate to get a great FC who basically turned him into a functioning human being

ClArabelle67 not intruding at all.

Ted