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Welcome to the Advice Clinic - Please come in

(1000 Posts)
pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 00:18:14

Do you have problems? Would you like to hear solutions? My team of unqualified but experienced Agony Aunts and myself have a 100% success rate. We're very friendly and never judgemental. Even if you're riddled with the clap.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 17:29:23

<puts shopping down and shouts 'willy willy willy' as you do>

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:00:31

I'm going to spend some time thinking of perfectly reasonable things my neighbour has done. And then ring the police about them.

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:02:49

On a serious note - a very very serious note, and I demand immediate sympathy and advice, I am starting a new job next week. This will come as a big shock to the system, and will eat into mini roll eating/gin drinking/slanket pissing/staying in bed time. How will I cope?

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:04:25

Also my hair is falling out which I think is due to shock at the thought of imminent hard work sad

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 18:08:06

And finally (well not really finally, I have loads more moans up my sleeve) there are greenfly on my roses. shock. I'm not bothered too much by the actual greenfly - what's properly bothering me is the fact I've noticed them.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:31:31

You need some aphids. Perhaps the scientists can supply some.

My advice is to wear something with pockets so you can smuggle mini rolls into the toilet and eat them there.

I've got to leave the house to go to a fucking meeting tomorrow which might result in work. I need the money but I really can't be arsed. The lottery got my hopes up with an email yesterday but it was only 3 quid. Probs not even enough for a McCains thing. I'm sceptical, Thigh, they've fucked with chips, do they want to take our potatoes from us too?

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:32:10

Keep your hair, no, then you can make a wig if it all falls out.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:32:31

Have you accidentally had some chemotherapy?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:37:30

How do I deal with the perimenopause starting when I'm 40?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:39:31

Nowaypast buy ladybird larvae. Ours from last year hibernated so we have a colony now.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 18:42:15

Minnie cheerfully? Might as well get it over and done with? Any particular symptoms?

MinnieMountain Sun 12-May-19 18:47:12

I shall be cheerful. And laugh at the irony that DH got the snip 3 months ago.
Hot flushes and night sweats. And periods being 2.5 days instead of 5-6.

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 19:08:19

Oh bugger, Thigh I mentioned the ZA and piss bombs on the neighbours thread and someone is questioning what I'm on about!!

I just can't think of the words to explain ...

thislido Sun 12-May-19 19:47:14

Some of the other thisters will probably have better advice than me as they have accumulated more years of wisdom. I'm just behind you in terms of age... The night sweats and hot flushes people have told me about sound like they really have to be experienced to be understood. The periods sound like a positive. And it sounds like you've finished having kids which is good? Maybe your body is just trolling your husband post-snip and it will go back to normal shortly.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 19:47:55

thisters! Come and help the sweaty lady who's landed!

DanglyTassles Sun 12-May-19 20:08:06

Oh hello Minnie welcome!

I've had a few hot sweats myself, but I just use them for heating sometimes when it's cold, not so fun in the summer but never mind! it sounds like you are winning in the period lottery so that's a good thing.

Also, just think, with starting young, all this will be over while your still a young bairn!

thislido Sun 12-May-19 20:15:10

If you settle here in Thighland you’ll be able to spend the summer in a hospital gown or muumuu, it’s our summer uniform. Perhaps the hospital gown for maximum arse and back coolage?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:31:26

Oh don't worry about the perimenopause - who gives a fuck unless you're 20 which you're not. All the money that you save on sanpro you can use to sort out those roses.

My main advice is too keep your arse uncovered at all times for temperature control.

Now - the roses - get a spray bottle and put a little bit of fairy liquid in the bottom and spray the roses.

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 20:31:27

Oh this how dreadfully cruel of the lotto people to raise your hopes like that. £3 wouldn't even buy you a gin. It's shockingly thoughtless of them. Is is absolutely necessary for you to leave the house for your meeting? No chance of conducting it from your bed?

Minnie my advice re the perimenopause would be to think how much worse the actual menopause will be. You'll sail through.

I thought greenfly were aphids. Where do you buy ladybird larvae from? Could I just collect a few ladybirds when I'm out and about and, um, and what? Unleash them on the roses?

I don't think I've had unwitting chemotherapy. Unless the dc have been administering it to me via gin on their visits home from the fair.

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:33:44

No colour your bald pate in with a sharpie. Have you still got a full set of bum tips? If you use "Nubian Queen" I think that translates to chestnut brown on the head.

Why are you getting a new job - is it on purpose? Are you doing it to be cool and fit in with the yummy mummies or will you starve without it?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:34:47

DT on the neighbour dispute thread I told you to come home and here you are! You did what I said before I even thought about it. How's that for thynchronicity?

Nowaypast Sun 12-May-19 20:35:37

Is it possible to be perimenopausal whilst going through the menopause? How else to explain why I'm in floods of tears watching The Durrells?

pineapplebryanbrown Sun 12-May-19 20:35:59

We still haven't decided on Summer uniforms - I'm leaning towards hospital gowns - agreed? I'll thieve some XXXLs at some stage.

justdog Sun 12-May-19 20:36:37

Aha! I have found you! Hurrah!

Many mentions of other thighlands wanting to borrow babyjust... for a small fee I am willing to rent her out, all proceeds going towards her nursery fees gallons of wine I can drink to try and forget my miserable existence...

I am still alive, despite the misfortunes of yesterday. I did consider the excellent advice I was given to chop my leg off and get a mobility scooter, but I decided that was the cowards way out, so I limped valiantly about my day...

Babyjust was on top form today. We had to go and do subterfuge washing at the mothership's house (she does not believe in using a washing machine in the daytime, and she was out all day) and had to lurk about waiting for it to finish, looking for all the world like ne'er do wells... pretty sure neighbourhood watch was onto us. Anyway, we went for a lovely walk, and people stopped to congratulate me on my delightful and adorable toddler who was blowing kisses and waving bye bye to all and sundry... until someone said that she was 'just delicious!', which got me thinking.... you all know where I am going with this train of thought...

Anyhoo, we got the washing, I have managed to resist eating her thus far this evening, however we did forage for some giant pine cones to snack on, along with some ants. Excellent.

thislido Sun 12-May-19 20:36:56

Oh yes, of course they are. My mind went to The Bad Tempered Ladybird and somehow got distracted.

How awful is the actual menopause?

Thigh have you tested the potatoes yet?

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