How do I resign from a tiny company without burning bridges?

[Wynter123]

I am one of 3 employees in a very small, very chaotic company run by the founder. He and I have a good relationship (in his eyes), but in reality I have spent 8 years basically building his business and ensuring it doesn't implode each day. (Not blowing my own trumpet - the other 2 employees are part time/freelance, I am the only person who deals with our actual product/purchasing/operations/export/logistics/suppliers etc). Because it is such a niche, and because I've essentially created my role from day 1, it's not going to be a straightforward one to replace.
I've been pretty miserable for a long time, but have held out until now, mostly due to this weird complex I have of "I can't quit because I've poured so much into this". It's of course not my business, but it feels as if it is because I have put in so much. I have worked 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, pretty solidly for 8 years now. My boss genuinely has no idea because he is really just focussed on sales, so as far as he is concerned, a product magically 'arrives' and he just has to sell it. (I am aware how mad it is that I've dealt with this for so long and am aware that I need to work on my boundary setting. But I was actually so enthusiastic about what we were doing/building that for a long time, I was happy to do the crazy hours... I also have share options, although they are basically meaningless until he takes the company public which is very unlikely to ever happen).

So... I have finally decided that I do need out, and have been offered a new job somewhere much more structured/low-stress. I know this is ridiculous but I genuinely am terrified to hand in my notice. Every forum I read about "how to have the conversation" gives advice for situations where there is an HR department / it is a very corporate company / your role is easily replaceable and people saying "just tell him you quit and don't give a reason". This is not that. My boss thinks we are good friends, and we are very close just by virtue of having spent the last 8 years on this thing. I obviously don't want to say "I'm quitting because this is a terrible workplace, you have no clue, you're taking advantage of me, I'm burnt out" etc, because he will not take that well at all (defensive ego!). But I'm worried if I try and make it more "it's not you, it's me" he will just try to offer ways to keep me (which I am not interested in). It is true that a large part of my decision is due to wanting more work/life balance, being able to move away from this area (job/area are tied together), and even if he/the job were amazing I would probably have reached a similar position of wanting to just change my life up a bit.... however if I take this approach I am worried he'll just say "we can make xyz changes and then you'll have a better work/life balance", and I'll then need to tell him why I really want to leave (basically "you're awful").

No idea if this makes any sense outside of the very specific context of this job/working relationship, but I really just need some advice/insights on dealing with this sort of resignation. There is a very high chance that once I go, the company will start to fall apart (again, not bigging myself up - he has just allowed it to get to this point where everything we do is in my head and not easily transferrable). I know people will say "that's not your problem", which is true, but I can't help but feel responsible and somewhat sad about the idea that this place which I have put SO much of my life into could crumble if I walk away (not to mention that he will blame me for that happening).

TLDR: Need to quit, but am in a v small business and deal direct with owner. If I leave, he is likely done. Don't want to tell him I'm going because of his poor management, but if I say it is due to 'worklife balance' he will just try to throw fixes at me which I will then still need to reject. Help!

Read up on Stockholm syndrome. You are absolutely entitled as an employee to want to stop doing that job and do another job that will offer you more for your work life balance.

Be nice, say you've loved it and watching it grow but it's time to let someone else take that on - you've got a new opportunity that will offer you more and you've made plans around that - and wish him all the best. Leave your job in good shape in good conscience.

Do NOT give 2 month's notice!

I empathise with you, OP. You sound like you’ve gone way above and beyond and given your all to this man’s business (and haven’t been rewarded enough - those share options should already be in place).

I’ve been offered another job and am bracing myself to tell my line manager. I only work part time but my job share is weak and I’ve allowed myself to shoulder too much responsibility and, frankly, worry (especially for the poor salary). I do like my manager but she’s failed to tackle the underperformance of my colleague and has also been content to pass over some of her tasks. I work long days and can’t switch off even when I’m not there because I feel I have to keep in the loop.

I don’t like the creep of AI but, actually, ChatGPT has been quite useful in getting to the heart of my concerns and has helped me frame my thinking. Perhaps use it to plan your conversation?

Sending you all the best from one procrastinating resigner to another!

@Wynter123 how are you? Have you spoken with the business owner?

I have handed in my notice and feel so much better from having done so. There has been shock and upset but (working) life goes on. My job advert is out and I will help with the transition. They will survive without me. Annoyingly, it has taken me leaving for management to think about day-to-day tasks that I cover. I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of. I will need to stop being so obliging in my next role.

Are you a little unsure about your new job? I am and that lead to me being reluctant to speak with my current employers. On a good day at work I really enjoy my time there. But the bad days bleed into my outside life and, frankly, I want a job that I can leave behind at the door. I would suggest you focus on the positives which your new job will bring.

Who knows how I will find my new role and how you will find yours. Fingers crossed and good luck to us both!

This

Surely you don’t void the shares you already have ? They’re compensation in case it goes public ?

Hi everyone - firstly sorry for leaving this in suspense! I hadn't forgotten to update you all.

So, I went ahead and handed in my notice, and safe to say it was incredibly traumatic and he did not take it well. Talk about fragile ego!

However, his insanely sulky, borderline aggressive attitude ("you're completely shafting me after everything I've done for you" type response) was actually the best cure for my, let's face it, blindness of the last 8 years and absolved me of literally any guilt I could have felt. So it was quite refreshing!

I am working my contracted notice period (in a very icy atmosphere but, who cares) and doing everything I need to do, mainly for my own self-respect at this point and not for him, and then I am out of here and I could not be more excited!

Thank you to everyone for your advice, it's all been so helpful and I 100% agree that in the new role (or anywhere to be honest) I need to set better boundaries. I'm confident I will - I realise now that I was very young when I started working for this guy and it has been all sorts of toxic. No more!

For anyone who comes cross this thread in any sort of similar position I would just say - rip the bandaid off and do it. Best case scenario, the boss responds well and you leave on a lovely supportive note with some good memories. Worst case, the boss reacts like a complete headcase in which case, it will just confirm all your reasons for leaving and more!

And to add - correct, options have been vesting so I do still have those. But, I doubt they'll come to anything. Oh well :D

Thank you again everyone :)

Good for you!

Thank you so much for the updates @Wynter123 - sounds like you have done the right thing and I'm excited for your next steps! I'm hoping to be in a similar situation to you soon (job interview pending). Been working for a tiny family company and it will be very awkward handing in my notice...

Excellent! Sorry you have to put up with the nonsense but you sound very positive. Very exciting- good luck!

Great update!

I was in a similar situation in terms of helping build a business from scratch and creating my own role. Was really happy then the decision was made (without mentioning it to me) to take on lots of subcontractors. Of course I had to manage all this, training, support for there people and so on. Like you, the boss was just focused on the fun stuff. Like you I kept increasing my hours and stuck with it - sunk cost fallacy. The final straw for me was when boss bought spouse in to the business - who had no experience and turned out to be quite skilled at shifting the blame for their errors on to me.

By that point I was dealing with various issues in my own life and just wasn’t looking forward to the job anymore. So I just lied about why I needed to quit. Said I had mental health problems, gave a months notice and a really thorough handover. The boss also thought we were friends. Or at least they gave that impression. Once I left I didn’t hear a thing for six weeks then got a phone call one night as I was travelling out of town. Turned out to be old boss panicking because they’d messed up a process and locked themselves out of a system. They didn’t communicate it this way though. The implication was that I hadn’t handed over that process. I know I did. After that I made sure to block the numbers and make very sure I was detached from everything relating to that business.

what I realised is that some people are unwittingly selfish but blissfully unaware of that and often can’t help it. And other people lie to protect their interests.

Just hand in your notice. Will you need a reference from your boss?
if so, make up a plausible tail and play nice while you do the handover.
If they get someone in time you maybe able to train your replacement but it’s highly unlikely.
As long as you leave handover documents, whoever takes over will be able to get on with things.

As another poster said, business continuity is not your responsibility, it is his as the owner.

If you think you can create the bulk of the handover docs before you give notice I’d do that as it will much harder once he knows you’re going becayse you may end up just taking time of sick if things get toxic.

good luck. I’ve never regretted it personally.

Oops I posted this and didn’t see your update. Seems my gut feeling was correct then :-)
Well done - as you say, always best to just rip off the bandaid and deal with the fallout.

Hope you are doing something you really enjoy at some point soon.

ah yes, they ended up taking on three people to do my job.

I am very efficient
at what I do. This isn’t a particular boast, it’s more than in every single job I’ve had they landed me with more responsibility, asked me to do more hours, offered me more money not to leave etc and I’ve never failed an interview. I’ve retired now and I really don’t miss it one bit. I realised I was a perfectionist people pleaser. Fantastic for whoever you work for, terrible for you as a person because you tend to have poor boundaries (although I did make efforts - had a separate laptop and didn’t answer my phone outside office hours).

the only boss I plan to have in the future is a pet :-)

@Snakebite61 You were absolutely spot on regarding the OPs update and his reaction.