If you were bullied out of your workplace...

[HammerTimeNC]

...how did you relearn to trust colleagues in your new workplace?

It takes time…. You will naturally be worried but with me, 6 months in and another colleague sticking up for me ro a horrendous boss showed me that not everyone is a bully. I went on to work in the same team for 7 years and they became like my extended family.

If you stick to your job and recognise that (a) people at work aren't mates, they're work colleagues and (b) over-sharing of any description which can come from misplaced trust is not a good thing, you'll move to a new place of maturity as regards workplace relationships.

I've found it easier and less complicated to separate work and life relationships, and never regret not getting close to people I work with, especially as I've moved up the management chain. I don't try to be popular or "liked" and never have issues.

@daisychain01 it sounds like you haven't experienced intensive workplace bullying. It's got nothing to do with over-sharing, wanting to be liked, being immature, or any other victim-blaming rubbish.

Some workplaces systematically bully one or more people. The victims often aren't chosen, they simply fill the vacancy left by the previous victim.

I had a fantastic relationship with my bosses for several years (10+) until I became disabled. Then I got bullied out as they didn’t want to deal with it. I had a complete mental breakdown as they basically slowly broke me over a period of 18 months. One year on from leaving and I’m still not recovered and haven’t worked. I’m now taking a career break and having a baby. I’m going to need therapy before I go back to work. I feel like self employment or working in a non corporate environment may be the way forward.

Time, lots of it. But try and remember they are not your old colleagues.

I left a team with rampant bullying, lying, in your face favouritism and that was just management. Toxic behaviour flowed through to line managers & team leads.

now in a team that is the opposite-not perfect but so much better. But you will find you are incredibly sensitive to anything you might perceive as bullying or favouritism for a long time. Try to let it go.

I became self-employed in a job where I help other people. Helping others helps me. It's 7yrs since I left my employment and bullying workplace. I was successful at employment tribunal but that hasn't really helped me come to terms with what happened to me.
I miss my old profession and have accepted a workplace setting will never be right for me to be in again.
I wish you well. It's really tough.

I’ve found it very hard. I just try and keep my head down. With certain people I can immediately see the bully traits in them and I avoid them like the plague.
I don’t think I’ll ever get over it though, I’m so ashamed how I let myself be treated.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after bullying and discrimination in a previous job. I got through it as I was in a union and my union were great, initial reps had the common sense to pass it upwards as it was too complex for them, and the senior official is someone to whom I'll always be grateful, he was just shit hot.
Now I work in a home based role and that helps, as I don't have to see / work beside people who make me uncomfortable. I talk to people virtually and they are all much nicer. However, I do find it hard to trust people and can feel suspicious. I also constantly worry about whether I am 'good enough'. I'm not sure that ever goes away. The trauma does stay with you.

@motheronthedancefloor can you say which union you are part of (it DM me)? I’m trying to find one- I’m currently going through bullying and will have to leave my job. They won’t be able to help me with this issue but I want to better protect myself in the future.

I actually found it wasn’t too bad, the people were so different and the whole environment nothing like the one I had been in, that I relaxed fairly quickly after an initial period of watchfulness. I think it might be easier than you think depending on the environment.
The pp is so wrong about maintaining good boundaries meaning you won’t get bullied, I never socialized with my bully or over shared, but she saw me as a threat I think and did everything she could to make my life difficult. Horrible, toxic and stressful situation.

I never socialised with my toxic colleagues either @Gladespade .
I think boundaries are more of a mental headspace thing. I do work in a MUCH better place now, and there are social events, however I don't drink at them, stay exactly the "right" amount of time, listen, politely ask questions and make the occasional joke etc.

More or less how I am at the office. I am eternally vigilant. Been 7 months now. I think its ok to be mindful and can (almost) thank my previous toxic colleagues for this newly acquired skill.

@motheronthedancefloor sorry for what you've been through and thank you for taking it all the way, helping workers after you.
I think the issue is really about regaining mental strength, self-trust and confidence, in areas of life separate from work.

You've made a very big assumption there with no basis of knowledge. I do have personal experience of workplace bullying and am giving the cautionary note that whatever is shared with someone you "think" you can trust can backfire, so don't trust to any great extent. IME once you've been bullied you always have the scars so you need to protect yourself in future and not forget the lessons from the past.

You're incorrectly leaping to the assumption I'm victim-blaming when it's the exact opposite, I'm using my personal experience to inform the advice I'm giving @HammerTimeNC based on how to "move forward". I stand by my advice and they are welcome to take it or leave it.

Good thread. This is something I'm concerned about myself.

I became a union rep to support others going through similar situations.

@Islandblue99 the union choices can depend on what sector of work you're in.

@BeardedLodger do you know of a good union for private sector workers (STEM industries)?

This one covers STEM: https://prospect.org.uk/

Employers only care about the bottom line and bad press and legal action are the only two ways to fight them.

I find the public sector is the worst for bullying and harassment and unfortunately, their workers tend to be mainly women so it tends to be women bullying women with a man at the top of the chain.

I was horrendously racially bullied in a previous work place, unfortunately racist bullying is all too common at work. No one can cause bullying, only bullies can cause that.

Well said. I fully agree with you. Protracted, systematic bullying, whether at school or work, is absolutely nothing to do with "over sharing", "wanting to be liked", etc etc. As you say, that's just the lazy old victim blaming. Real bullying is a lot more than that and winds you down and causes all kinds of long term problems, such as lack of trust, loss of self confidence, loss of self esteem, etc. People need to stop the lazy victim blaming.

I was horrendously bullied in my last job. That was after having no problems at all in the previous four jobs! It was a toxic workplace where most of the staff had worked together for 10/20 years so was a massive "clique". I managed to stay 3 years. Several other staff started and left within that time, all suffering the same!

I couldn't face working somewhere else again as it mentally scarred me and knocked my self confidence, I was a shadow of my former self! So I started my own business, where I have full control. Full control over the clients I take on, full control over staff I employ, etc. Absolute bliss not having to put up with crap from anyone. First sign of any bullying behaviour and clients rapidly become ex-clients!! Life's too short to take crap from bullies!

I didn’t. 3 years working with those horrid fuckers nearly broke me, so I took 2 months off then set up my own business. It’s gone from strength to strength and we survived Covid and continued to thrive, primarily because I would never DREAM of treating the people that work for me like I was treated. I will now retire before I’m 50 and if I hadn’t been bullied and belittled and treated like shite by those awful people, that would never have happened. They taught me so much about what not to do - inadvertently, but it happened none the less. I still see them sometimes and I am now quite high profile in my sector - they don’t know where to look 🤣🤣🤣

Whatever you do don't tell anyone at your new employment that you have been bullied as you will be labelled as a weak pushover and the bullying will start again. Remember it's not you it's them as most workplace bullies will target someone else when you leave . It's all about deflection because a lot of these bullies delegate , are lazy and are incompetent. . They can charm management who won't / don't want to deal with them because as long as the work gets done and the targets are reached and head office are happy it's all they care about . Think of them as ghosts because they only exist in your memory now .

I see you lack comprehension skills and eager to twist my words. I did not victim blame anyone and I didn't say that people who overshare cause the bullies to behave like that. Sigh.

What I did suggest was that by modifying ones own behaviour and keeping your cards a bit closer to your chest and not being willing to trust people who you only know through work, not chosen as a friend, you're shoring up your own defences in a future work situation.

I certainly didn't victim blame because in my situation I didn't see myself as a victim. I actually felt sorry for the bullies and thought they must have very sad lives to behave like that. No need to become a victim or act as if you are the downtrodden one. Difficult at the time, but possible in hindsight.

Seeing yourself as the better person, the stronger human being and creating healthy boundaries is nothing to do with victimhood.

After I was forced to leave I took action against them and I found out the main perpetrator an SVP was forced to resign. That was a fantastic schadenfreude moment, their powerbase was dismantled and the smug smile wiped off their face.

Enjoy your day.