Would you work if you didn’t have to?

[Whatsnext25]

Firstly, I know I’m incredibly lucky to be in this position, particularly in the current climate. But would like others’ opinions on what they’d do in my set up.

DH has made some very clever decisions in his career and also had a healthy dose of luck that means that we’re in a really comfortable financial position. He’s currently on his second business venture and is on a really good wage. He works very flexibly on something he loves and is really good at.

I’m in SLT at a state school, working 4 days a week and bring home about half of what DH does. I do enjoy lots of elements of the job but it is stressful. Lots of long days, dealing with complaints, getting the odd kicking from a child etc! I am proud of my career, I was the first in my family to go to university and I’ve worked hard to get where I am. 

We have a 2yo DD and I’m pregnant with our second. I’m exhausted, nauseous and irritable. DH doesn’t really understand why I stay at my job and I’m increasingly wondering the same. On 6 occasions over the last 3 weeks I’ve been at work until 8pm or later so haven’t seen DD all day. Her nursery don’t know who I am because I’ve only managed to get out in time for pick up twice this academic year (DH does the nursery run). I worry about managing with 2 small children. We have no family close by so it’s just us.

I’m not worried about DH leaving me high and dry. We’ve been together 12 years now (married for 6) and are still really happy. But also because he’s always split any profits / dividends / savings into our own separate ISAs and continues to do so. If things did turn sour one day I’d be absolutely fine.

I don’t have to work. I’m not sure I want to keep working. But I can’t imagine not working! This is so far away from the way I grew up and I have no models for this kind of decision. As I say, I know we’re incredibly fortunate. So WWYD? 

[Tailfeather]

Absolutely. I do, and always will. I am educated, I am capable, it is the 21st Century, why wouldn't I?

[Attryn]

No I wouldn't. There's loads of volunteer work out there if you want to do something, but if I didn't need to work I'd give it up tomorrow even though I like what I do and only do 12 hours a week now.

Mind you I home educate my youngest and my eldest had a chronic illness so I need all the time I can get.

[SpringSprungALeak]

No I wouldn't. Not when that financially secure (& future proofed) I'd make the most of being home with my children & making DH and my life nicer/less stressful.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm 50, I work now because I enjoy it, but I also stayed home with my children when they were very young because it was important to me and my husband. I would not have put my kids in childcare. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I firmly believe that everyone needs to make their own choices for their family and no one is right or wrong. I did what was right for me and my kids. I have also been very successful career-wise and had my own business for many years before I sold it and went into consulting work. Staying home for a few years with my kids did not hamper my career at all.

Do what's right for you.

[Dacadactyl]

In your shoes I would 100% give up work. I wouldn't put a 2 year old in a nursery unless I had no other option to keep a roof over my head.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and now work PT. My kids are in high school and college. In our house, it is RARE for anyone to be stressed.

[Jijithecat]

Yes I would. It's important for my mental health to have something to focus on, to stretch my mind and to mix with other people.
Doesn't mean I always enjoy it, but I still do it even though I don't have to.

[CSR721]

I would quit my current job and use the opportunity to volunteer and look for a career change

[Ladyluckinred]

Have you got a hobby you are passionate about? My first reaction was, being a Mum to two kids is very hard work as it is. If I was in the position to spend more time with my kids and spend more time in my home doing passion projects, I would in a heartbeat.

Its sound like you and your Husband have worked very hard and have made some brilliant decisions. Reap the benefits of that and do something/anything that makes your life feel
most purposeful. Good luck with it my luv!

[Stopmotion24]

I would still work if I didn’t have to but I would also happily take a career break if circumstances required. Can you work go on maternity, take the full year and then see how you feel? Lots of women stop work for a few years and go back when children are older. It can affect your career opportunities and pension but you never get that time back, do whatever you feel is right. Good luck!

[OrigamiStar]

I would drop virtually anything else in my life before I would stop working, but (a) I find my work meaningful and (b) I’m not you. If you can take some time out without going mad as a SAHP, why not? Take the opportunity to retrain for something to suit you better?

[MamaGhina]

I didn’t work while my kids were little. I had a six figure salary before them and I could afford not to while they were young due to an inheritance plus savings.

I went back to work when the youngest started school. I could afford to stay home but was lucky enough to find a job where the hours worked well with family life. I did take a huge salary decrease but I’m so happy I went back to work.

It’s been difficult in terms of covering illness and term times but I’m so glad I went back. I love the people I work with and it gives me something I didn’t get at home.

So my advice would be, if you want to stay at home for a few years, go for it. But don’t discount working altogether because it’s so much more than the salary.

[Sconeswithnutella]

I’m a primary teacher and subject leader and would give it up in a heartbeat if I could. You can always go back if you are desperately unhappy at home (I bet you won’t be). I would volunteer so I could still see the kids but without the stress.

[ShowerEasy]

Yes, and I do. However in your shoes I would consider taking a career break, given that you have a very young child and a baby on the way.

[SirChenjins]

I’d look at other options - reducing my hours, taking a career break etc - before I gave up my career. If no other options were available and I knew that I could return to my role easily in a few years then I would stop working temporarily, but work is important to me for lots of reasons and I would try and keep it going.

[Ponderingwindow]

I used to make more money than my husband, but he works in the for-profit sector and his salary and bonuses have just become insane. I don’t need to work. Our entire household would probably be happier if I retired tomorrow. I still work because I want to protect myself for the future.

What if he gets hit by a bus? Yes, he has good life insurance, but I don’t want to be on a fixed income for the rest of my life. I have a good career now and might not get it back.

what if we divorce? Sure, I would get a settlement, but same issue on living on it for the rest of my life. I might not step back into my same great career and I don’t relish taking some random job to fill the gap.

what if he gets sick? Well then I will be extra happy to have kept my good job and be able to support the family.

[CosyFanTucci]

Yes, definitely, because I have a creatively fulfilling career that hopefully brings a bit of joy to people’s lives. Also, I fear that I would lack purpose without work. Would I want to work in a school or a shop if I didn’t have to? No.

[converseandjeans]

No. If I were you I would take a few years off from teaching & go back part time. In teaching you will always end up having to prioritise other people's children over your own. So if you can afford to you should prioritise your own family.

[AmyandPhilipfan]

I think it is in children's best interests to have a parent at home full time before school age. I understand not everyone can do that and not everyone wants to, but if you can and you want to I think I definitely would have a career break while yours are little.

And as they get older if you don't want to go back to work but want to fill your time with something I'm sure their school would be happy to welcome a trained teacher as a volunteer to hear readers and so on.

[SkankingWombat]

In your position, I would use my maternity leave to think about what I wanted to do next. I can't imagine not working in some capacity, I'd get bored. I do a lot of volunteer work already, and although it is very fulfilling in many ways, it isn't much of an intellectual challenge so I'd still need something 'more'. I would take some time to retrain/extend my qualifications, then work very PT (1 or 2 days/week) doing something that I enjoyed. Freelance/self-employed would be preferred and a joy without the financial pressure of where the next job is coming from. If SE, you can work term time only, should you so choose, and be around for DCs more too. The rest of my time would be split between childcare, hobbies, and volunteering.

[PotatoPudding]

Nope. Until DS went to school, DH earned
more than enough for both of us, so I was. SAHM and loved it. I work now because we financially need a second wage but we would both prefer it if I didn’t. The jobs and DIY projects on the house are endless. The whole house needs painting. We need new flooring in a couple of rooms. The garden is overgrown. I have no time to exercise or take care of myself properly. I don’t get to buy fresh food daily. I have bags of stuff I need to get on Vinted. The list is never ending.

[percypig]

I’m a teacher with several kids (now teens) married to a relatively high earner. I haven’t needed to work, but chose to keep working, albeit part-time, because I love my job.

However my husband’s salary has given me the freedom to make career choices which have contributed to my ability to juggle teaching and family life, and indeed to stay in teaching for 20+ years.

Firstly, I’ve been various levels of part-time, ranging from .4 to currently .9. My husband’s job is stressful, and in the past involved more anti-social hours, so us both being full-time didn’t make sense. I also had a short career break and have increased my hours as the kids got older - we found it was hard to juggle the various drop offs homeworks etc in the primary school years. My husband now works less than he did when they were younger, so the balance of our roles in the home/family has also shifted.

Secondly, and probably just as important - I have resisted the push to move swiftly up the ladder. We don’t need the money, so I have only applied for roles, including promotions, I genuinely want to do and feel I can do well. This means I am not SLT and have decided not to seek SLT positions (though it’s worth saying SLT tend to be older here in NI than in England anyway) though I do have fairly significant responsibilities.

Teaching is the best job, but it can be all-consuming - don’t spend so long dealing with other people’s children that you miss out on time and capacity for your own.

[Rocket1982]

Can you go down to something like half time? Spend more time with your kids but keep your career ticking over? You're not worried about splitting up from your DH but really the state of your relationship now doesn't necessarily predict what it will be like in 15-20 years time. I think it's always a mistake for people to lose their financial independence.

[Welliwould]

I think you need a break for some head space. It's hard to see which way to go when you're in the thick of it. Work out where your sense of self, self esteem and happiness come from. If employment is central to those then stay employed, but I would seriously consider reducing your hours. Time with kids when they are young is precious, you can't get that back. And stress is seriously detrimental to your health.

[Whatsnext25]

Thank you all so much for replying. I really appreciate the different points of view.

I took the first year off with DD and since she’s fully levelled up into toddler mode I do really wish I could spend more time with her. She’s so much fun and watching her learn about the world is just brilliant. I definitely enjoy this stage more than the little baby bit. Even with all the Big Feelings.

That said, I do also recognise that work stretches my brain differently and is good for my self-esteem and independence. It brings more to my life than just the salary. The question is does it bring enough vs what it takes out of me? The balance feels off at the moment.

A career break is probably the better way to think about it. I’ve inflated it to a much more permanent decision in my head!

[Whatsnext25]

@SkankingWombat

In your position, I would use my maternity leave to think about what I wanted to do next. I can't imagine not working in some capacity, I'd get bored. I do a lot of volunteer work already, and although it is very fulfilling in many ways, it isn't much of an intellectual challenge so I'd still need something 'more'. I would take some time to retrain/extend my qualifications, then work very PT (1 or 2 days/week) doing something that I enjoyed. Freelance/self-employed would be preferred and a joy without the financial pressure of where the next job is coming from. If SE, you can work term time only, should you so choose, and be around for DCs more too. The rest of my time would be split between childcare, hobbies, and volunteering.

This nails it I think!