Is being told I'm "reserved" an insult?

[macmacaroon]

I had my application for promotion turned down and in course of receiving feedback told I am "reserved' and compared to extrovert male colleagues who are doing well in their careers. I find this quite difficult as, yes, I am quieter and I do focus on getting my work done / head down as also have two LOs (4yo and 2yo) but that is my personality type. I am introverted but am also sociable and chatty and have never had problems making friends. Yes, I could get lots of coaching to become whatever the opposite of being reserved is and get "out there" but I just find the label "reserved" insulting and makes me wonder - does my face just not fit? I see younger ones getting promoted over me and I wonder if it's time to move on. I'm a lawyer and it's a competitive environment but think is it time to accept I just don't cut the mustard. When I asked my boss for candid view about whether it's worth applying again next year he was like "yes but I think there's a lot of work to be done (on profile raising not technically ability)" not very encouraging. Also I get cut of emails on cases I'm working on and generally just feel invisible. Wrong environment or crisis of confidence ? I just wish being myself was enough but it clearly isn't . Sorry for the ramble!

Another lawyer here. Reserved is definitely not an insult but it will stop you progressing. “Getting your head down” is great for a junior lawyer but it’s not what’s expected of someone more senior. It’s great if you have the option of a senior role that isn’t based on external BD (if that’s what you want anyway, I’d hate it personally because BD is my favourite bit) but you will still need to raise your profile within the firm.

You say you have a lot more emotional intelligence than your male colleagues- which I can well believe. That will help enormously. You just need to harness that and use it to form relationships with whoever the key internal clients/referrers/collaborators are.

Hmmm if it’s just raising profile internally then in house would require the same, you would still need to be a go to person around the business to get promoted. Show your face, take interest in other areas of the firm, mentor the young ones so they know who you are too don’t just focus on senior people, sometimes you will have to stay after work for drinks but not all the time (DP and I swap around late passes), be really colleagial when dealing with other firms so lawyers outside your work place are complimentary about you too and promote you to your partners at when working with them/at events.

Hi OP no I chose to move out of law altogether and have never regretted it though the money is not as good.

I'd had enough of the boys club within law firms.

Great advice from Madeline

Ex-lawyer here- I was a Partner in a Magic Circle firm. "Reserved", like "quiet" are words which are over-used in relation to women (including me). It's no surprise that law firms, being dominated by men place unthinking value on "masculine" qualities like extroversion and "clubability" and in your case there probably is some unconscious bias. Also, introverts, male or female tend to find the law firm environment more draining than extroverts and the resulting occasional lack of energy is sometimes misunderstood. You are not going to change any of this overnight; but I think you need to examine whether the firm has any reason to think that your focus on getting your work done so that you can get home (which is certainly the impression given by your post) means that you are not sufficiently interested and engaged in business development and developing client and team relationships or in gaining as much experience as you possibly can. You need actively to seek out opportunities to be involved in these things and to take on as much work as you can handle. Whenever you find that you have been cut out of something, you need to challenge that and ask to be kept in the loop. It's really difficult once people have started to push you into the background; but you need to fight.

Lawyers (people?) find it difficult to accept that they have been wrong or biased and law firm career structures (institutional unconscious bias here) are based on a strict straight upward trajectory, so I think you should look to move firrn and make a fresh start. If you want to progress you are going to need to accept that you will not always get home when you would like to. Make sure that your childcare is sufficient so that if something comes up last thing in the afternoon, or if everyone is going to the pub with a client you can be part of it. Remember that most of your competitors and bosses and clients will have stay at home wives and will have no sympathy with the emotional and practical juggling which we lawyer mothers have to do.

It sounds as though you are technically good enough to progress in a law firm if you choose that battle; but it is a battle. If you really don't want to do that, then there are good, if potentially less exciting and lucrative, opportunities as a PSL or in-house. The fact that these roles are disproportionately filled by women demonstrates that childcare still falls as the responsibility of mothers rather than fathers; but also that law firm cultures are still (notwithstanding all those ostentatious diversity initiatives) quite uncongenial to women. None of the male lawyers I know believes this.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. If you struggle with self promotion, confidence etc, then networking is something you may struggle with, it's not about making friends. As such, there may have been better candidates, I'm sorry,

I agree with you that confidence can take people a long way, and it's shit, but the reality is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I woild try to put yourself out there more. It's not a criticism as such, it's honest feedback and it's your decision if you then act on it or not. Or even if you can. Being bitter and resentful does you no favours.

I highly recommend "Quiet" by Susan Cain - it's about introverts but extroverts tell me they also enjoyed it and got a lot from it. She was a lawyer (incidentally) and saw how her introversion is a strength and how to work with it and "manage" it.

My techniques - there's a bit of "fake it till you make it" and a bit of putting in place ways to manage it. So in a room full of people, I will seek out a small group (no more than 3 people) to approach and start chatting with, rather than a big group - in a small group I come across a lot better.

If I have to socialise one evening with people I don't know, the next day at work I will make sure I have lined up tasks that restore my energies - so no meetings, but maybe some data analysis or report writing, which really revive me.

I have sought out relationships on a 1:1 basis, with people who know lots of people. I still have to approach "strangers" but I can leverage the existing connection to create some common ground.

That's not to say I find it comfortable, I still don't but it's less terrifying than it used to be. And people definitely know who I am now...

I think that it sounds like perfectly reasonable feedback on a promotion application. Saying that you are very reserved and need to do a lot of work to raise your profile within the company is a perfectly reasonable justification for not promoting you.

^I agree

Of course 'reserved' isn't an insult.
You can't ask someone to give you honest feedback, and then get huffy about what they have told you is holding you back.
You've had some really good advice on what changes you might make, but you really, really, really aren't helping your cause if you try to bring this into your argument
I do focus on getting my work done / head down as also have two LOs (4yo and 2yo) ....... er....... why does having 2 small children make you focus on your work ? . The fact you have included that in your OP suggests that you think you should have special treatment because you have small children. If that comes across in your work, then it doesn't encourage internal promotions, where (I presume - it does tend to happen in most lines of work) being a higher management level will mean there is a greater expectation of some flexibility, the occasional extra hours, being available when needed, etc.

Thanks for all the feedback and comments which I've found super helpful!

OP, glad you're taking comments on board. Legal Director is a senior position and realistically (in my firm anyway) they're looking for more than a safe pair of hands who gets on with things. They're looking for people who are looked up to and are leaders. It may not be about BD (although in my firm it still is) but it is about keeping and developing the clients you have. A lot of that is about internal (and external) profile and that means networking whether you like it or not. In my firm its about people in other offices and other teams knowing who you are (positively!). There are a lot of good lawyers of 10+ years PQE but not all make LD/Partner because by that point being good a the law is just a given!

It might be the role isn't one you want - that's something only you can decide.

One point I do want to correct - it's not that you can't put in the hours with two under five, it's that you don't want to. Again, that is fine but as a previous poster has said, you do then need to accept you won't progress as fast as those who do. In big law you have to put in the hours to progress - that's unfortunately just the nature of the industry.

Interestingly in my office I've seen being 'reserved' as something that has held men back as much as women, if not more. Women tend to suffer more from a 'lack of gravitas' (there was a fantastic thread a few months ago on how to get gravitas!).