Name changing

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

One of my friends is getting married next year. Her DH-to-be is a meaty man's man and I'm pretty sure he will want her to change her name. She is a young professional and what I would call an informal feminist. Should I talk to her about it? Would it be wrong to persuade her to keep her name?

TBH a lot of (older) women I know now regret changing their names, and professionally at least I'm sure it's a better idea not to change. But i'm aware that my feminist "ideals" also make me groan at the thought of her changing.

Advice needed please!

I'd always thought I would keep my maiden name on marriage but in the end decided to take my husbands name (partly because my previous name was very long and frequently misspelled and pronounced and partly for ease in having the same name on everything). A lot of my friends have got one name for work and one for home and it causes no end of confusion (in my profession it is more common not to change your name at work).

It isn't wrong for a woman to change their name, if that is what they want to do.

It is wrong for a woman to think they ought to or have to change their name. It is also wrong for any man to tell or persuade his wife to change her name - especially if he's not willing to consider changing his own name.

Elephants - regarding your friend, I'd say keep out of it, unless it sounds like she is planning to change her name but isn't entirely happy about it or is coming under pressure from her fiance. In those circumstances I would certainly step in and reinforce the message that it's her choice alone and there is no reason for her to change name if she doesn't actively want to.

thanks minipie, that sounds like good advice. I am just trying to stay in touch with her more and be open to talking about all the relationship/marriage stuff.

I also feel very strongly about this and never dreamed of chaning MY name. It helps to define me, it maintains my autonomy and individuality and MY family history.

This does not mean that I think all women should retain their own names. Of course it's an individual choice, but to me the question of name changing IS a feminist issue.

I will be getting married in 2 years and don't know what to do about the surname thing
DP wants us to have the same name (as do I) but wouldn't consider changing his and i'm not in love with the idea of changing mine. My family went silent when he mentioned that I wasn't necessarily changing my name. I don't know what to do. Oh, and i'm not happy with being Mrs either (something that went down even less well).

If he wants you to have the same name, and you don't, IMO it's up to him.

Mind you I had major arguments with Mr Inferior as to whether our children should have his surname or my surname first in their two-part non hyphenated surnames . Should I ever accept his repeated offers of marriage, a name change of my own will not be on the cards .

Up to him to change I mean.

You could do what friends of mine did and both change your surnames. Mind you they did split up. But then that's a statistical likelihood with all marriages.

msrisotto - you really should not have to change your name when he won't consider changing his. If neither of you wants to change your name, then IMO there are only three fair outcomes:

• double barrelling

• both change your names to a third name that you choose together

• both keep your names

Personally I went for option 3 (but then I've never understood why it's important to have the same name as your husband anyway).
However many people who want to have the same name choose double barrelling - could that work for you and DH?

Msrisotto: what would you like to happen in an ideal world?

MsRisotto - I feel your pain. I wouldn't want to change my name, DP wouldn't want to change his (lots of interesting heritage with both names), double-barrelling would just be silly in our case.

If it came to it I would just stay Ms E.A. Miasmas, the same as I am now. If we had kids we'd have the fight about what they would be called separately to the talk about what I should be called, FGS.

I think that the whole "we want to have the same name" thing is often blown out of proportion, as an excuse for the patriarchy easy way to tell yourself that name-changing is a token of love (albeit a one-sided one) rather than an unfair concession on your part.

If he wants it more (and from your phrasing I suspect he does) then explain that you will not be taking his name and it's up to him to make the decision about what he's going to do about it. Sounds harsh but there we are

My feeling on the matter is very much like sprogger's, although this is my personal view only and I have no issue with what anyone else chooses to do. Ds has dh's surname - we had agreed that if he was a boy he would have dh's surname and if a girl mine, can't say for sure what I would have done if ds had been a girl. Ds has never blinked about having a different surname from me (admittedly he is 5!) - much as I didn't about having a different surname from my mum. She remarried when I was 7. So for me, from a family perspective, surnames are irrelevant.

I never really thought of my surname as being my dad's. I thought of it as being mine. I am still me, therefore why would I change my name? (Equally I understand why others would argue: I am still me, therefore why would I not change my name?).

Certainly I would advocate keeping one's maiden name for professional purposes, having had multiple occasions of having to find out work colleagues are getting divorced by their sudden disapperance from the email directory or whatever. But you can hardly broach that with someone about to be married!

Couldn't have put it better myself Elephants. I didn't even think about changing my name and enither did dh. To be honest, if he had wanted to take my name, I would have thought that as odd as my taking his name.

In an ideal world we would, coincidentally, have the same name so no one would have to change. My parents and his parents have been together for 30+ years and our sense of family is really quite rooted in this example so it does feel important to me, hence why i'm a bit stuck.

Having the same name does not make a family any more solid than the families where there are two names. As far as I know, this makes no difference to divorce rates. Does anyone seriously think that a couple who keep their own names is somehow less committed or less of a family? If you do, you need to think about your views on gay and lsbian couples I think.

It sounds to me like you need to find a new name that you both like if you really want the same name. What's more important to you: having the same name or refusing to give up your own?