Housework and couples

[antoinettechigur]

Just wondering how housework is divided in your home? Are some things seen as "women's work"? Or if you are a same sex couple, does each partner have certain jobs that are "theirs"?

When I met my partner he was very much the product of a traditional upbringing, but learned to share household tasks. Except laundry. He just won't do it. He does far more than me overall, however (I work more).

I accept the laundry thing due to the amount of cleaning, cooking, hoovering etc that DP does. But it doesn't sit completely comfortably with me that there is this one thing he won't do. Thoughts on the realities of housework in couples please..

Dittany has a very interesting article about the gender politics of housework over in AIBU. Will try to work out how to put a link in later.

After dinner cooked by DP

Hazeyjane: I make piles for my DH to sort out, too! Only it drives me nuts because he waits until I am doing something else then sorts it by waving bits under my nose and demanding I decide what to be done with it - invariably I cann't be arsed at that point and it all ends up in the recycling. Which is where I would have put it, rather than the Pile, if I hadn't wanted it. Sigh.

This thread is fascinating. When DH and I first moved in together, I realised that while we are both slobs, I was less slobby than him. I found myself doing more cleaning because I found things (kitchen, bathroom) unacceptably dirty before he did. He cooks almost every night (though we both enjoy cooking, he finds it a great way to unwind from work and I'm happy with that), but that meant I was almost always washing up. Washing up is less fun than cooking by a long chalk. So we had a chat about it all (when I got ranty one day about why was I doing everything, did his penis stop him seeing dirt, etc).

Our problem was to do with learned behaviour and expectations, I think. He grew up in a pretty egalitarian but v. messy and chaotic household. I grew up in an old-school patriarchal setup, DM does everything to do with housework, DF sits in front of the telly (and occasionally unloads the dishwasher, to a chorus of 'you're so god!'). Hence I was wanting a cleaner house than I was willing to actually create, but still feeling guilty-and-then-cross about it!

Now we have a cleaner. I LOVE her! She comes twice a month and hoovers, dusts, cleans everything - and while I may still be a bit of a student, I find that level of deep cleaning acceptable, while we both keep on top of wiping up/ clearing away stuff during the week. (We both work but I work from home 2 days a week, so I tend to do a bit more tidying / bunging stuff in the slow-cooker on those days).

I'm 21 weeks pg and in the first 10-12 I couldn't do a damn thing. Suddenly DH was in charge of all list-making, food buying, all washing-up and bin-emptying, and all laundry (we have to carry the heavy baskets up and down 4 flights of stairs to the machines in the basement). I think he started to notice what a lot more I was doing than him. Since I've been feeling better I've taken up more housework again, but I've definitely taken back less - and it's good for us. It's like I'm actually letting myself put my feet up more, now I'm pg. Perhaps because he's encouraging me to do it. I hear about the nesting thing, but I seem to have got slobbier. Or I'm just more tired. . . Ok, that was a long rant which basically sums up as "My standards have slipped and DH does more: I love it!"

We are very equal tbh - I possibly do more laundry, but DH tends to do more kitchen cleaning. I like doing DIY, and do everything for my car.

But since we both lived on our own before we were together (and lived together in a shared house when we weren't a couple), we both knew we were capable of doing everything, so there were no excuses

During weekdays I get a couple of hours between getting home and going to bed, for the first hour or so I take care of the baby, give him his last feed and take him up to bed while she does whatever she fancies, usually eat something and fiddle on the computer, then its half an hour for a shower, then half an hour of 'leisure time' in front of the TV before bed.

On the weekend I try to find some housework to do, but usually she prefers i take the family out instead of 'making a disaster'.

Which of course makes our family dynamic quite old fashioned as she's a full time mum, at least until she goes back into education again.

On the whole, I'd rather be a SAHD!

I'm a SAHM, but DH pulls his weight. Its the one aspect of our relationship thats definitely ok.
He works at the office while I look after DD (3.4) and DS (9 months) all day. MY main "job", apart from just spending time with the kids, is basically to organize the meals, because I've found it works for economic reasons if one person is "in charge" of the food and knows whats going on with it( I also enjoy cooking). But we eat out frequently and I often call DH to pick us something up on his way home from work if I've had a hard day with the kids.

Apart from the food and cooking I would say its split quite well. DH cleans the bathroom every other day, whereas I never do. I do the washing-up 60% of the time but he does it a lot too. I hardly never cook at the weekend: either he cooks or we eat out. DH LOVES hoovering, so he does that; I like laundry . DH doesn't mind waking up with DS in the night and pacing him up and down while he's teething, even though he's going to work the next day.

It does vary depending on knackerdness, but all in all I think its ok.

SGB, I think that measure of yours is really good.

We've been a,mrried ten years now and things have fallen into a natural apttern- so I loathe washing up and he does it, whilst he cant cook and I like it; todying is mostly him but I am the one waving teh disinfectatnt behind the scenes (the jobs that go unnoticed). Laundry ahs fallen to me as has a lot recently because DH ahs exams looming and it will take a bit of assertiveness to re-establish a fair balance after exams but whilst he'd take the chance if I get away with it he will accept that he has to do it and get on.

er... i do it all!!!

To be fair, I am at home all day and DH is out of the house for 15-16 hours a day.

he will put the odd wash load on and he loves cooking so will sometimes make something fancy at the weekend. and Summer he lives for the barbecue.

I am looking to go back to work, so will be interesting to see who does it then!!!

Why? Why? Why?

Did everyone move to Stepford?

Is this all my daughter can expect from life?

At the moment I am a SAHM (and part - time student), so I do pretty much everything in the house during the week. Dh is out of the house for around 13 hours each day, and we have roughly the same amount of downtime.

When I was working it used to be split a bit more, and at the weekends if a job needs doing/nappy needs changing, then whoever is there first does it, definitely no expectation from him that I do everything in the house.

Actually he doesn't iron, he just doesn't seem to notice the pile, but he would be quite happy to iron a shirt for himself if there was no ironed ones left.

I am happy to do garden/car chores too. I am a bit of a petrol head so I can do tyres/top up oil etc out of a weird sense of pride I guess!

There is nothing that we would consider to be the other's "job".

My dh does far more than I do. He even plays with dd more than I do. We kinda do what we're good at.

I really appreciate all he does and I do little things to make him happy.

Here is the article from the other thread. I don't know how to do the nice neat link thingy.

Interesting article though: www.lilithgallery.com/feminist/modern/The-Politics-of-Housework.html

I'm at home during the day, so I take on the lions share of making sure things don't get any worse!

I also do most of the cooking during the week.

DH does bath and bedtime most nights.

DH and I share the bigger stuff mostly at weekends and he always hoovers the stairs 'cos I hate it.

What SGB said.

There is no way I'd abide being in a relationship where the other half did absolutely nothing around the home unless we as a couple earned enough to outsource all of that.

I wouldn't treat my own partner or spouse like a maid so I wouldn't accept that kind of treatment, either.

Foreverastudent - what do you mean? Your daughter can make a choice. She may want to spend a few years being at home with her children. She may enjoy keeping the house looking nice. She may not. She may choose to go out to work and pay someone else to do the housework. She may choose to work and her partner may choose to be the SAHP.

Of course it's not all your daughter can expect from life. It's attitudes like yours, that degrades the incredibly valuable and desperately important job of caring for children so badly

i do way more than DH, but thats because i am home and he isnt.

when i was working much longer hours than him, he did the lions share. i think in 2 years i did the grocery shopping once!

but we are fortunate and have house help so its not ever an issue.

i will say though, for us the big thing is about whos time is more valuable. when we were dating, i thrashed out the whole argument with him about my time being as valuable as his.

having DCs absolutely changes the whole dynamic again. but for us so far, its been equal all the way.

We try to use SGB's measure. During term time I work at least 75 hours a week, dp works part time around dd school from home. So he does most of the housework or I would have no leisure time at all. I do make fresh bread most days, make dinner about half the week and do the laundry. At the weekend I do a bake for the week, cook some meals ahead.

During holidays I take over most of the chores as I am doing very little while dp works. That means when he finishes work we have family time.

We used to row a lot about housework, dp working from home and with reduced hours has solved a lot.

We leave it until one of us breaks. As a consequence, we have both developed a high tolerance to mess and live in perpetual squalour punctuated by infrequent outbreaks of frenzied cleaning.

He usually breaks first.

DH does most of the cooking and some of the washing up/dishwasher loading/unloading. He does water the garden and mows the lawn but I think that's about it as far as routine household chores are concerned.

I prefer to do the washing myself - DH has been known to bung a load of his own clothes in but it would never cross his mind to see if there is any other laundry or offer to do any of mine or DS's. I prefer him not to do his own because it is more useful to have his clothes to separate into loads as well as ours, to make the loads a more reasonable size.

I have problems with vacuuming as I have sciatica issues - but it used to be like pulling teeth to get DH to do it for me. Now we have wooden floors it's easier for me, so I do it but not very often.

Anything else that needs doing I have to do. Including looking after DS - Daddy does playtime and that's about it.

When I started seeing DP he couldn't cook - a fact I found quite mind-boggling...

These days, we both cook; I probably cook more in the week, because I am at home to do the kids' tea, and sometimes eat with them if I am going out later. (I do feel a bit Little Wifey leaving his tea out if I do this, but on balance it is not the world's most surrendered act, really.)

He does the washing (long back-story here); I put it away. We do our own ironing - I realise that I iron the VERY RARE child garments that I feel need it, but then he has a million shirts to do (I wouldn't dream of doing them).

We pay a cleaner. When we don't have a cleaner, we pretty well share it, or if I'm honest he does more vaccuuming than I do.

I am tidier than him. This is not easy to live with.

I do more childcare than he does.

I'ev always worked full time. He did more than I did. I don't understand women who marry and tolerate sexist men. What is wrong with them? Why do they enable the behaviour or are they do dependent on men for money they have to toe the line or so desperate to have a man they accept even the worst sort or were they brought up to be servants of men?

DH works fulltime and I work part-time. I do all the housework, he does all the diy, garden, car, dog stuff. I'm not a really good cook, can make a few simple dishes but he does most of the cooking. I'm learning alot from him though so hopefully when we're in a position, financially, for me to give up work we'll be able to have a more traditional marriage than is practical right now.

I don't feel a servant to DH and he certainly doesn't treat me like one. Treating eachother exactly the same is very different to a balanced relationship imo and it works for us.

I'm pretty happy with the way things are in our house. Part of me wishes DH was a super keen tidy freak so I didn't have to do anything, but when he does do stuff and I don't I feel bad. As it is we both pretty much loathe housework, but also loathe mess.

We are both PT SAHP but DH is home more than me so probably does more than me. I do more cooking, slightly resentfully, but hate washing up more than I hate cooking, and DH is the other way round. He does most of the hoovering and usually the bins (mainly because we live on the 1st floor and I can't fagged taking it down. We both do laundry, we usually means I put a load on an forget about it till late at night when I'm too tired and DH has to hang it up.

I'm more likely to do general tidying, e.g. taking washing up out into the kitchen, general firefighting stuff that goes unnoticed, while DH does 'man housework' basically goes on a bit of a rampage and doesn't stop till the whole house is spotless, which is great, it really is. But it lasts for about a day before going back to normal. Whereas my tidying stops the place becoming a junk yard.

Though actually since being pg DH has done much more than his fair share, almost completely without complaint which is more gracious than I would be.

The most annoying thing at the moment is that our landlord has put the flat on the market and we are having to put up with endless viewings, so the flat has to be kept completely spotless.

at bumperlicious. I think your description of going on a rampage very occasionally absolutely describes my approach to cleanliness. Whereas DH is far more likely to do your sort of 'firefighting'.

I am extremely impressed that your DH is pg though . . .