Understanding why all of this is so stressful.

[2021x]

I have had a lot of stress recently, so have been using AI to get some immediate assistance as I have a pysch appointment next week. One of the themes of what causes me stress is not being heard, or being judged as "hateful" or a "troublemaker". I am estranged from my family, and currently waiting the outcome of a disputes court, a job interview and a house sale so really feeling alot of stress at the moment and small things are causing big feelings.

I have a gay male colleague. We get on really well and are generally quite friendly. A couple of years ago he said something along the lines of "JK Rowling is a Transphobic bitch". It just sort of fell out of his mouth when trying to justify why he bought and played Hogwarts Legacy. The third time he said it I gave him a hard stare and said quietly "come on now" and he hasn't said it since.

He is really keen to promote the "Rainbow" Coalition at work. He wears a rainbow lanyard and is always trying to get people to join the Rainbow Allies Group. He always bakes rainbow cakes and sends rainbow emojis. He was born late 70's and early 80's and has spoken about how he pretended to be straight until he graduated from uni when he was 21 (that would have been difficult to hide). Funnily in the last couple of weeks he has talked about how he hates the "woke" people and would like things to be normal.

I wanted to share an observation that the AI made about the tension I have been feeling and wondered what people thought about. I used the example of my colleague to demonstrate why "I feel so hated for wanting to be heard". After a bit of back and forth about how this situation above makes me feel unsafe at work AI said this.

"That creates a sense of emotional imbalance — like he gets to express his identity loudly, but you have to tiptoe around yours.
That’s what feels unsafe".

Let me know what you think about it. I have been thinking alot about how people who were persecuted then go on to repeat the cycle etc..

I find this response interesting as it has made a lot of assumptions.

I feel physically unsafe because of what is happening in the real world i.e. males being in female toilets and acting aggressively (has happened to me), males insiting on being seen by female staff and then assaulting and intimidation so extra safety protocols have to be put in place for me to do my job (also has happened to me).

I then also feel unsafe because if I expressed my political opinions in the way he is doing so (in the workplace in a government institiution) I would fear real world concequences i.e. loss of connection with someone to impact on my job and career. I thought about it last night and I very confident that in the future we will be able to have a bit of a laugh of the whole thing. One of the things I want to tell him is that I tried to get a lanyard with the suffregette colours and wanted to bake cakes in green, white and purple as childish retaliation.

Even though I take your point about other things happening, I think you are underplaying how much this is affecting me right now. I cancelled my membership at the Gym because a transwoman was in the changing room. When I asked the gym they said they had given permission as long as it wasn't during peak hours (which it was). When I asked them to tell women that they were going to permit this they didn't say anything further. I understand they were in a difficult situation but I think it could have been handled better.

I am really looking for a way forward through this in which I don't have to compromise my boundaries and still be compassionate.

Yes I agree with this.

The fact that he used the example of a woman holding to her boundaries on spaces specifically designated for women due to the level of risk did cause some issues. I then made a lot of assumptions about him i.e. misogynistic and woman hater because of the hateful language he used.

I honestly think he repeated it like a mantra i..e Amen rather than actually thinking about what he was saying.

I agree with everything you have said.

Its like the drama triangle. I feel in this situation there is a conflict between females and transgender women over female only spaces. Then gay men have come in as the hero role and demonised women, in support of the transwomen who they ususally assume are gay men like them and therefore not a threat to women.

If you could like the thread I would like to read it

I think this is it, a little updated since first reading it (with another good article from Sonia Sodha)

This section is what grabbed me (my bold):
"It’s a flaw that besets almost every broadcast news outlet and many press outlets. They build their journalism on the premise of neutrality over whether being male or female is determined by the brain. Most build their editorial policies on exactly the same position as Newman and Loder - that biological sex and gender identity are two opinions of equal value. The broadcasters think therefore that by doing so they are impartial.

However it really means they’re building every single piece they write or broadcast on inaccuracy. The belief that you might be able to change sex is as loaded as the belief that you can. Neither is true and neither should be brought to the desk as a fact.

What they consider to be neutrality is actually bias. It isn’t one-sided to say sex is real and immutable: it’s the only impartial position. In fact as journalists, we should be required to say it, as should anyone involved in puberty blocker research. They aren’t ‘opinions’ - much less opinions that should lose you a job."

Help me!

Today at work there was a "news item" on the work virtual noticeboard saying "Happy Pride Month". In the item there was the line .... "While Aotearoa is known as progressive, discrimination and harassment still occur, especially for trans and non‑binary people"

Please stop me from writing a "Womens History Month" article highlighting the recent ways that womens rights to privacy and safe spaces are under attack from TG ideology.

This is not the working environment to "shit where I eat" and I don't want to make it into a fight!!!

Apols, forgot to include the link! https://seeninjournalism.substack.com/p/breaking-literally-cathy-newmans

@2021x you’ve mentioned your employer in the post above so you might want to edit it

And on the anonymity side, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t write about the multiple forms of discrimination and danger women face that are nothing to do with trans. Might remind people there is more than one protected group.

@2021x "Funnily in the last couple of weeks he has talked about how he hates the "woke" people and would like things to be normal."

Forget the AI stuff.

Is he actually saying things that he doesn't mean? It took me a long time to get my head around people doing this. But it seems to happen a lot.

You say he's made that comment about JK Rowling. But he bought the Hogwarts thing.

Are you getting upset over some comments that might not be intended at all?

Also, this is just a colleague? You don't actually need to take his comments on board at all though I do question why anyone would discuss difficult issues in a work context.

What about writing an article that focuses on the history of how women won their rights? Honestly, at this point, I think that would be an education for a lot of people. And you'll probably enjoy writing it.

Gay men are not our allies, if they ever were. Most of them are every bit as misogynist as straight men, they see no use for women on the whole until they want to buy babies. We're supposed to clap along while they dress up to mock us and pretend that men can magically become women.

A couple of years ago he said something along the lines of "JK Rowling is a Transphobic bitch"

I disagree with his use of the noun, but his use of the adjective is pretty accurate.

Another way to describe the position we have been put into is 'walking on eggshells'.
When you are the one who is actually most at risk, having to tolerate people lying about what you say or think and then crowing about the effect on you doubles the burden.

I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Like many others have said, I have also experienced this with family members and friends.
Othering us as fascists or transphobes has been an effective way of silencing or isolating women, but things are changing.
Try to find support from other like-minded women, here or IRL. I also think it's helpful to remember that it only takes one activist in a friendship group or workplace to control the narrative.

New Zealand has one of the highest rates of domestic violence. A quick Google brought up a recent article that confirms this

https://womensrefuge.org.nz/new-research-reveals-long-term-harm-and-systemic-failures-facing-victims-of-intimate-partner-violence/?amp=1

Of course being NZ it's genderwooed. I'm assuming tw may be included in the stats but the vast, vast majority of DV victims will be actual women, although men will routinely be given access to the refuges.

It is like living with coercive control. Walking on eggshells because you never know when you're going to say the 'wrong' thing and set off an awful reaction.

Its like being gaslit- constantly having to pretend allegiance to a set of rules and beliefs which do not stand up to logical analysis.

Thinking 'is this just me? (Its not).

Comments such as the one above that say fighting for sex realism has damaged women's rights (conveniently ignoring that if you can't define 'woman', there's no such thing as women's rights) feed the feeling of being gaslit. If we try to counter these comments with examples of why men being treated as if they are women is bad or even dangerous to women, we hear 'that never happens'. If you prove that it does, we hear 'that's just a one off, not all trans people...'

The goal posts constantly shifting, leaving you unable to rely on logic and reason. For me, that is the most destabilising aspect. The whole thing mirrors an abusive relationship, having to mould and shape and squeeze yourself into the you that it's 'acceptable' to be. The you that won't cause any upset or ruffle any feathers.

Of course it's exhausting.

Try to meet others IRL that share your concerns - I have found this very healing.

And regarding work/not shittng where you eat, do be careful. I saw Julie Bindel interview Helen Joyce last year, and in response to a similar question they both said don't try to do this alone. Don't suddenly come out as GC without any support. The backlash on other women has been huge and it's not cowardly to protect your livelihood by not living your values 100% of the time. Do what you can, you don't have to do it all.

It's very disorienting to discover that you are the only sane person and all your friends, colleagues etc have started to believe in the equivalent of a flat earth or that our lives being governed by astrology. You go from assuming people are essentially rational to realising that even people with university degrees are capable of believing complete nonsense. Complete nonsense, in fact, that they didn't believe 10 years ago but have suddenly decided to adopt because everyone else appears to believe it.

You could point to various historical analogies (McCarthyism etc) but oddly what it reminds me of most is a scene in the film Yesterday where the older couple are excited to discover that someone other than them remembers the Beatles. It's very lonely to be the only person who remembers when no one believed it was possible to change sex.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet.

@RoyalCorgi it certainly is. I'm trying to have more conversations in real life with friends about it but it's a lonely place to be. I went for a walk with a friend this morning and she agreed on the need to protect women's sex-based rights, the need to draw a clear distinction in law between men and women but she thought trans people have always existed in life throughout history and we need to acknowledge this as a society and 'make space' for them.
I agreed that we need to make space for everyone in society (whatever she means by that) but I didn't agree that it's something fundamental or innate to be trans. I think if I did think that it would be agreeing that people can in fact be born in the wrong body, which I don't think is possible and I don't think we should be starting from that premise. If people decide they are happier presenting as the opposite sex whilst at the same time knowing they are their biological sex I'm fine with that.
I came away from the conversation feeling that there is a fundamental difference in our outlook and I except her outlook is shared by a lot of people.
My position that there are 2 sexes and it's not possible to change sex was deemed 'too scientific'. My position that there are reasons people might feel confused about their gender (mental health issues, gay, autistic, sexual trauma, trauma in general) was 'too dismissive' and she had this idea of a wooly third type of person existing between male and female.

It's hard to have real-life conversations like this with friends but I think we managed to agree on the main issues at least and not fall out!