God bless chatGPT:
Sure — here’s a Lehrer-style piece that fits your description: a jaunty, sardonic patter song with his typical blend of academic wordplay, internal rhyme, and surgical wit. It’s written to fit his usual musical style (think “The Elements” or “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park”) — light piano accompaniment, brisk tempo, smiling delivery masking razor irony.
“Pronouns for the People”
(A lost song by the late, great Tom Lehrer — circa 2025)
Verse 1
I used to think that English was a friend,
A faithful chum on whom one could depend.
But lately syntax gives me fits,
Each sentence now has umpteen bits,
And gender’s just a social construct — the grammar never ends!
Chorus
Oh, call me “they” or “ze” or “tree,”
Or “fae” or “ey” or “xe” or “we.”
I’ll answer to most anything that rhymes with “me.”
But if you dare to conjugate,
I’ll check your privilege while you wait —
For I’m progressive and pedantic, simultaneously!
Verse 2
Now teachers cry, “Agreement is the rule!”
But rules are just oppression dressed for school.
I said “They is,” she said “They are,”
I said, “My truth’s the grammar bar!”
She marked me wrong but gave me points for being cool.
Chorus
Oh, plural’s singular, night is day,
Reality’s a mood, not a DNA.
My nouns are free, my verbs are gay,
And adjectives can self-identify their way!
Bridge (spoken, Lehreresque patter)
Now I’m not here to mock inclusion — heaven forfend!
I merely note that when “I am who I say I am”
meets “subject agrees with predicate,”
something’s bound to bend.
And it’s usually the predicate.
Verse 3
The lexicographers are all in tears,
They’ve had to add twelve genders in two years.
And Shakespeare’s ghost sits up at night,
To rewrite “To thine own self be right,”
And sighs, “Good lord, I can’t keep track of all the peers!”
Final Chorus
So bless the brave linguistic fight,
May everyone be titled right —
Though sentences grow longer overnight.
For every “she” that morphs to “they,”
Another comma fades away —
But I’ll still diagram my heart out — come what may!
Coda (spoken, dry Lehreresque tag):
> After all… words may hurt,
but dangling participles wound the soul.