How do you talk to your young children about sex/gender if you are gender critical?

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I am gender critical, and I will not lie to my children about people being able to change sex, but I also have no wish to hurt or offend anyone else, or for my children to do so. I understand that other people’s views differ, and that’s fine.

Mostly I have just not needed to talk about this topic, but I can feel it getting closer as my kids get older. There is a worker at my youngest child’s nursery who started with they/them pronouns and female name (but is clearly male) and is now using she/her. I genuinely like this person. They are warm, kind and I trust them with my son. It is a mixed sex environment anyway so there are no boundaries to be crossed. However, my eldest questioned their name the other day and I found myself saying ‘oh I guess he just likes it’. I didn’t mean to say he, but I can’t lie. I just can’t. Especially not to my daughter. I will take the risk of being seen as bigoted if it means keeping her safe and enabling her to have boundaries.

But anyway to my question. How do I navigate this when questions come? What do I say to be truthful but also not to hurt other people?

I treat it like religion, which it is. Some people believe that... etc.

I tell them I was one of the first generations to be brought up being told that it was ok to ignore gender stereotypes. That the whole trans issues just reinforces them. That biology can't be changed and I'll support a women in trousers or a man in a dress (and have done many a time) as long as they aren't pretending to be something they're not. I show and tell them time and again that I don't bow to gender stereotypes. That men like to control the narrative. (And often women's roles and behaviors). I treat any friends of theirs with respect, including pronouns and changes of names. I point out the numbers of autistic girls and their rejection of stereotypical womanhood, I question why there are not greater numbers of middle aged women and teen boys transitioning. I discuss the patriarchy and sexual abuse in regards to why many women don't want to be viewed as female and why many men see the women's roles as accepting. I am of course viewed as old, bigoted and out of touch. Both teens are ND and gay. The youngest is critical of everything I do. And extremely black and white. And full of the "be kind". I'm menopausal and fed up of bullshit. I do think women were meant to have children younger so that menopause doesn't hit at the same time as the teenage years. My rage and lack of patience is NOT the way to deal with teenage idealism. (However neither is reasoned discussion apparently!)

I think you have to be truthful. It is not wise to lie to children and make them disbelieve their instincts. I do sometimes use they and the name. Never the wrong sex pronouns

Is there a real equivalence, though, between a women in trousers and a man in a dress?

I tend to say that some men want to be women, and sometimes they might change their name or dress in a way that they think makes them seem like a woman, but it's not possible for them to actually become a woman. Men can wear dresses and have long hair, just like women can wear trousers and have short hair, and that's ok.

I've not yet needed to go into more detail than that, but when I do I will probably explain the different beliefs part, and also that it's important to be respectful of people, but that doesn't mean you have to believe something is true just because it might make someone else feel better.

I have no patience for this movement and do a lot of eye rolling and taking the piss. I’ve always been very clear about my views with my kids and I don’t hedge it in niceties. They can make up their own minds as to what they think. For now they agree with me.

I tell mine that anyone can wear any clothes, play any game, do any sport, like any media, and being male or female is utterly irrelevant to that. Being male/female is about your body, and every part of your body has the same information, it's just a truth.

I also tell them that some people don't like being the sex they are, and those people often choose to change their name and/or dress in a way that makes them feel more comfortable, and that's perfectly reasonable. It doesn't change their sex though, because that's impossible for mammals.

Don't worry about causing offense when they offend us by pretending to be us.

I think the most important aspect to be clear about what sex the person actually is because children can see the truth and it's not fair to confuse them. If you lie to them they will stop trusting what you say. I would say he's a man who likes to dress up as a woman.

Yes, they're just clothes. It's just more unusual for men to wear desses/skirts.

I tell them there is a lot of nonsense being taught in some schools about sex and gender, but that it’s not their job to challenge it. To come home and tell me what they’re taught and we’ll look at it together.

I would say that if they don’t want to call a man she/her then they don’t have to and in a school environment it’s pretty easy to just raise your hand and say excuse me can I get some help without having to actually use any pronouns.
I would also say that there is nothing wrong either with using she/ her on this teacher just to make him more comfortable, that it is a lie but it’s ok to lie to spare feelings occasionally.
My son is 23 and my step daughter is 16, they both know people that have claimed to have changed gender. I didn’t push my views on to them but my son has told me he doesn’t believe you can change gender. My stepdaughter believes that people can feel like they’re in the wrong body (We were watching the Bruce/kaitlin Jenner documentary) but that even if you have the operation that men shouldn’t be allowed into women’s sports or spaces.

Pretty much this, my children are nearly adults now but I’ve been open with them about my views with them for several years.

I think gender ideology is harmful in a way that I don’t think most religious beliefs are.

So although I might say “some people believe…” about religions, I would add on to that when talking about gender ideology that it’s not just a belief, it is actively harmful - and explains why : reinforcing regressive and unhelpful stereotypes etc.

Mine are young (early primary) but I’ve made sure to hammer home since they were tiny that (a) both sexes can dress how they like, have long/short hair etc and (b) it is impossible to change sex.

As DC1 gets older, I’ve told him that some people like to use certain names/be referred to by the wrong pronouns, and that is a choice they can make but it doesn’t mean they can or have changed sex.

Also, I would be asking questions about what the children are being told about the man who is working at the nursery. I would not tolerate my very young child being told that a man is a woman (or vice versa), that is a safeguarding red flag.

Show them this;

and this:

gender is a stereotype and how you dress and present is strongly linked to how people treat you and what they expect you to do.

most of all don’t let those stereotypes stop you from doing anything. If you want too wear trousers and be a plumber, crack on. If you want to wear a dress and be a plumber, crack on. If you want to raise babies, crack on. But none of that is dependent on your biology.

and there’s no such thing as “pink” brain.

Very similar here.

You can't change sex, but you can wear what you want.
There are fundamental differences between men & women's bodies, like who has the babies, which cannot be changed with medicine or different clothes.

They've always been told they can make their own minds up and it's okay to disagree with me.

They live in a different world, I only hope I've given them a few tools to navigate the sea of bullshit surrounding them.

Nope. But that's a starting off point to discuss the historical role of women and the patriarchy.

Sure, but age dependent. I don't imagine you'd be talking about the patriarchy to six or seven year olds.

I’ve got a 7 year old boy and have absolutely discussed the patriarchy with him! I’ve explained in general terms that lots of things that people believed in the past were wrong, and that we know better now. That includes a whole host of things from racism to homophobia to sexism, and we have discussed each of those.

I haven’t talk to DD about it specifically. But I have always allowed her to dress/do what she want and made it clear thats fine for girls. I also talk about not being able to run away from your biology, you are a girl and that means for life.

I would be really unhappy with a nursery expecting children to use pronouns that do not match the worker's sex. I think that is completely inappropriate, confusing and is expecting children to adhere to this individual's belief system, which they should in no way be expected to.

I would tell the children that he is man, that it is ok for them to call him a man or he/ him and they are to tell me if they are told not to do this. I would also tell them that some men think they can be women and some women think they can be men, but they are wrong.

The problem is, while you worry about being balanced and reasonable and respectful and kind and sensitive in how you talk to your children and present the needs of both sides, the activists won't at all.

I'm afraid at this point I think blunt fact to balance what they'll hear in the way of mad disinformation is all that's possible.

No, under the age of 7, I didn't talk to ds about it. He was too young for it to be relevant.

After that, I just said some ladies like being tomboys and some men liked being colourful and loud, and that was OK. That families came in all shapes and sizes, and that was fine too.

That if he ever felt uncomfortable with anyone, he was to quietly remove himself for the situation and come home.