Preferred pronouns

[Nomorebullshitnotavailable]

Some of you may remember my recent thread.

As I had said in that thread, I have never hidden my views on the gender debate. There is a TiM in my company, to whom I’m as pleasant as I am to everyone else. I am careful to use no pronouns at all around him, his team or the wider company. But in my small team I do occasionally use “he”. It is not intentional but just less mentally taxing than anything else.

I have today been told by my manager, after an email exchange just between the two of us, that I “must” use she and not he because that is what this person wants. Following this, that I “did not want to face an HR issue”.

In all honesty, at first I was angry but now I’m upset. I point blank refused to use the wrong pronouns, pointed out the Maya Forstater case, the SC ruling (not directly relevant but adds weight to my views), said that this man would have no complaint about me. But ultimately have said I will not use any pronouns for this man within my team either.

I feel really upset now. Rather like I’ve been told off and made to feel like I’m petulantly digging my heels in for no reason. And the HR thing felt mildly threatening although I’m positive it wasn’t meant that way. I cannot bear being told that I must enforce a lie in order to not be in trouble (I’m autistic so my sense of injustice is strong!).

I don’t know why I’m posting this except to know I’m not insane. Plus if anyone has anything clever I can keep in my back pocket or advice about how to proceed (have I done the wrong thing?) I would be grateful to hear it.

Thank you!

Thank you all for this feedback. I’ve pretty much closed the conversation down with my manager by confirming that I will do my best to avoid pronouns altogether within my team (I already did outside of it). I’ve kept a record of the email exchange in case I need it. I’m not going to go straight to HR but will continue trying my best to avoid pronouns altogether and see where that takes me. There is no company policy regarding this that I have been able to find.

I will continue to be as pleasant and professional with said person and their team as always (actually a very nice group of people, so it’s not hard!).

I find filtering myself very difficult but it’s preferable to forcing myself to lie.

i think the occasional slip of "he" instead of "she" could be excused if you generally aren't seen to be needling or otherwise harassing someone (i would hope)

If you make an effort not to misgender by always using the name, that must surely be seen as you making an effort not to misgender. I would hope.

But i am all for being pragmatic here, much as i won't use "he" for a woman, i also need to pay the mortgage and keep my job. So proper nouns all the way.

I agree with Brefugee. I think that, in saying you will try to avoid using “he” you are making reasonable efforts to comply with the request. If you slip up in future, be prepared to explain that it was a slip and apologize.

There are however, transactivists who object to this approach and demand you must use the pronouns they say. I hope it won’t come up and that your manager has the sense to keep this just between the two of you, but be prepared for the fact it might be elevated and may not stop there.

I can’t speak for you, but for me that would be line in the sand time. I would try to avoid pronouns but I couldn’t bring myself to use the wrong pronouns as it would impact too much on my mental health and feelings of self worth. For me, it would feel like gaslighting and abuse to be forced into using language that is just (for me) wrong.

I should imagine, sooner or later, there will be a case like this that will go to court. It seems to me that, given the clash of beliefs alongside a case where you can prove you made reasonable efforts to comply with not using language someone finds objectionable, even if you didn’t comply with what he actually wants, that it would be very unreasonable for the court to find against you. It’s a case I would be very interested in, as that would have to be my approach in this situation

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s a difficult situation.

Thank you, that’s exactly how it felt today. I absolutely cannot bring myself to use the wrong pronouns, I would rather avoid pronouns altogether. I simply will not comply with compelled speech. I can’t.

I have since messaged my manager, basically said that although we exchanged words I hope she realises that I am completely respectful to everyone, I just relax my speech in the team. Also that as a a parent of a non verbal child who needs daily personal care in school, it’s really important for me to be able to clearly articulate between male and female. But, that this has nothing to with my views on the individual, with whom I get on well with.

She apologised for bringing HR into it and completely understood.

Once again, I am grateful to the women in this forum for helping me through a difficult day (done on the back of a 3am wake up with my daughter!).

@Nomorebullshitnotavailable I’m glad you were able to talk to your manager again.

Work is a difficult place to navigate because there is an element of treating you both with dignity and respect. That is difficult with diametrically opposed views.

At work I agree using a persons name or initials is the right approach.

Another option I have used is neutral they/them. This way you are not using incorrect sex based pronouns so being true to your beliefs but also you are not, according to your colleague, misgendering them. It’s a half way house where neither of you are 100% happy but neither can anyone say you are being disrespectful.

You shouldn’t have to do this but at work sometimes finding a pragmatic solution is the compromise we choose to make.

There are however, transactivists who object to this approach and demand you must use the pronouns they say. I hope it won’t come up and that your manager has the sense to keep this just between the two of you, but be prepared for the fact it might be elevated and may not stop there.

A pronoun demand from a TRA employee would be crossing the line into bullying if the OP stops using pronouns.

The only time the employer could attempt to create missexed pronouns would be if they produced a written policy and that would imo fail if the employee opted out of using pronouns. In the end the employer has to justify enforcing policy against the employees right to be able to earn a living.

The OP would have no right to bully the other employee out of his job but the exact rule applies to him trying to enforce his belief on her communication.

If the OP makes a visable effort to not use he/him/his in communication his demand has to be judged against her PC of Disbility and also the ideology protection given by the PC of Religion or Belief.

OP
If you think that the issue was to escalate the first thing you should do is suggest you stop direct communication and you not engage with him directly as you feel this would protect both yourself and the employer. That going forward you will communicate via your manager.

I would be clear that you are there to earn a living not become involved in any type of internal dispute about the pronoun option he wants and it is not something you feel is within your job description.

You have enough going on in your work/ personal life and dont have the mental capacity to deal with a employee trying to offload his mental distress into your professional relationship.

And then let HR either accept that or not.

The absolute irony here is that the TiM has not made, nor has any reason to make, any complaint against me. His wider team may suspect, because they must have noticed my lack of pronoun use, but I have a good relationship with all of them.

It was simply me dashing off a quick message regarding this person to my manager (and my manager only) and using “he”. On the back of that I got told by my manager that I must use the pronouns this person identifies with.

We have since, I think, come to an understanding, and in order to protect my job I will endeavour never to use pronouns at all with regard to this person.

I just cannot bear being told that I’m wrong for being correct.

Autism - it’s not for everyone!!

(Friends reference for those so inclined)

Unfortunately this neutral tack is still not acceptable to some and is very much noted as an avoidance tactic.

I've a dreary friend who scolds me whenever I use they/them for a (not present) trans identified female friend who prefers he/him. But as with the OP, it sticks in my craw to do so so I use they/them for sanity but It Has Been Noted.

How are you managing to use their name if you cannot 'lie'? Is it a unisex name?

What would you do if you met a member of the royal family customarily referred to as 'your highness'? They're clearly not higher than you unless they're taller. Would you be able to 'lie' then?

If your dentist calls themselves doctor - they don't have a pHd and they're not a medical doctor - are you able to 'lie' in those circumstances?

Recently we had a patient who has gone by the name Tom his entire life - none of his actual names are a name capable of being turned into Tom - it's just what he likes to be called. Would you be able to 'lie' about Tom or would you call him his birth name?

The pope has just announced that he wants us to call him Pope Leo. It is demonstrably not his name. Are you still calling him Robert?

There is a huge difference: a given name is arbitrary. It is chosen by the parents and has no biological meaning whatsoever, ergo, it can change (why not?). Same goes for courtesy titles. Sex is not arbitrary and cannot change. TRAs believe that "woman gender" is like a title that can be bestowed if you wear a skirt/ have long hair/ tilt your head. But OP is right to say that pronouns are to do with the sex.

I agree, but in a work context it’s about making sure you abide by policies such as dignity at work. There is very little, if anything, management can say if you use they/them because you are not misgendering and therefore are being respectful.

Name is unisex and has not changed, but even if it had I would use the new name. Names can change, sex cannot.