Challenging "be kind"

[TeaHagTeaBag]

Our primary school is reviewing the anti bullying policy and in the parent consultation phase The policy is overall good but I've a couple of suggestions on it. I've a real problem with them regrading it as a "be kind" policy instead of "anti bullying". I'm sure there is research on the toxic use of the be kind phenomenon having a negative impact (especially on girls) but my Google skills are lacking. Could anyone point me to any leads to get me started?

No way would I be happy with the Anti-bullying policy being changed to a Be Kind policy. Its one thing to have a be kind tone but quite another to remove the bullying policy.

The school needs to be very clear that it has an anti-bully policy.

The policy should focus on student on student bullying but also include sections for staff and parents.

There needs to be a very clear line between be kind and conduct which will lead to the school putting a "prevent and/or punish" safeguarding arrangement for a child being subjected to bullying. To use TwoLoonsAndASprout's example conduct which is unsafe is not allowed, if its disrespectful it will be managed back into line with regular conduct, but not kind nor unkind conduct is not a bullying its turning up for school and minding your own business and kindness is choosing to go that little bit extra.

Would the title Be Kind Policy even pass an Ofsted inspection?

I think practically speaking, if you have a daughter, you are best off speaking to your daughter about this in an age appropriate way rather than writing to the school. [Edit - or even if you have a son, all of this still applies obvs.]

If the head thinks Be Kind is the way forward, she will not understand criticism of it ("who wouldn't want their child to be kind?! Does she want her child to be a bully?!")

Instead I would drip feed your daughter with little role plays and conversations and instil in her the confidence to say no, politely, to things that are kind-but-unfair.

I've done this with my 4yo dd a lot. For example the pudding example above, I don't praise my dd if she gives in to her brother trying to beg for her pudding, I say "wow why would you give him your treat, he's had his own! That's not fair!" And I tell off my ds for even asking (he's only 1 tbf). Whereas I know many parents (eg my dm) would applaud, how kind! She gave her brother her treat! Fuck that. No.

Recently in the playground an older girl came over and asked dd if she could play with her and dd said bluntly "no" and the girl was really taken aback. I told dd it's best to say "no thank you" but fair enough not to play with someone if she didn't want to. I know many parents would have said it's always best to say yes to be kind/friendly, bollocks to that, I won't make her prioritise someone's feelings over her own.

However we are strict about things like turn taking or saying rude things.

At the end of the day, you have a lot more influence over your child's values than the school does.

I come from this both as a teacher and a parent tbh. In the school I work at, I'm exhausted from pushing back continually at policies I think are kind-but-unfair. For example we had a written policy to let biologically male teens into the female changing rooms if they were more "comfortable" there. I wrote a long letter to the dsl about it and got fobbed off with wishy washyness. [This was a couple of years ago]

Teachers get promoted to senior roles in schools for all sorts of reasons, not always down to their elevated levels of critical thinking. Furthermore, many adults (especially women, again thinking of my own dm as an example) have been so thoroughly trained into believing kindness and self-denial being the ultimate virtues, that they simply can't comprehend why you wouldn't want your daughter to learn those same values

I think there is a difference between being “nice” and being “kind”. Being nice is doing what someone wants you to do and being kind is doing what’s in their best interest longer term.