Autism and gender

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My daughter (9) has recently been diagnosed with ASD. I'm trying to find resources for both her and me to help us to understand the diagnosis and what it means to be autistic. But I'm finding there is a lot of emphasis on gender diversity, transgender issues, being "cis" or not etc.

I'm gender critical and I worry that gender activists are quite active in the autism/neurodivergent community because it might feel to a young ND person that being "trans" explains their differences and the challenges they face. I think this could make ND kids more susceptible to gender ideology.

All this to say, does anyone have any resources they could point me to which don't focus on gender issues and autism? Ideally for both me and my daughter.

Keep her off the internet. Probably best for her to learn about autism through conversations with you. Books published 10+ years ago are likely to be ok

It's a real minefield out there - especially to find resources that begin to support her in understanding her identity as an autistic girl but that don't head down the road of trans-alphabet-soup gender identity stuff.

I think this is part of the issue though - the idea that you have to have an identity as something, rather than just be. My son is autistic, he doesn’t need to identify as autistic or have an identity as an autistic boy anymore than I need to identify as a woman or have an identity as a woman. I just am.

DD is 16 and autistic. I've been talking to both my children from secondary age about how humans can't change sex, that you can wear what you want, have long or short hair etc. So DD knows my stance. I found that she was using male pronouns in some instances at school by Y9, mainly in groups run by external providers. But she has never directly asked us at home to call her by a male name/pronoun. She is now out of school completely due to a breakdown last September.

Autistic Girls Network is frustrating as they have such good resources, but then there will be the obligatory couple of pages that completely accept gender identity theory.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. I am really worried about it. She doesn't have a phone and I have no intention of getting her one in the near future. She is desperate to fit in with her peers and I'm concerned that in time this could seem like an easy fix for her.

The sad thing is their peers are identifying out of being themselves in order to fit in with a group of similar individuals who have also identified out of being themselves. If they all had remained themselves in the first place they would have already have had a group.

I think the main thing is to be positive about the person she is (DD2's consultant she's seeing for her inattentive ADHD diagnosis explained about her "very special, very wonderful brain" when discussing things with her - rather than focusing on deficits). I've always been very open with the girls about how the fact we all have ASD affects how we see the world, but how that adds to life as well as making bits of it more challenging - but I'm also in a job where the way my mind works differently is a huge asset to what I do.

I think it's just doing the best you can to make them be confident in their own identity (including, but not defined by, their autism diagnosis) so they don't need to do as much seeking out of other identities! Seeking out good neurodivergent role models helps as well - things like A Kind of Spark on iPlayer are good at exploring autism without getting caught up in pronoun related angst (and it's a cracking little story as well).

I'm also (and I know this can be a bit controversial) careful how I refer to the kids' diagnoses - while I'm fine referring to myself as an autistic person, I do tend to refer to the kids as "having autism" - I think it's their decision when they get older about how much of their identity they choose to ascribe to it - despite the drive for it to be the other way around in general.

If there is a link between autism and identity it is because many autistic people do not see the boxes allistic people put themselves or others in society in. No one is targeting autistic people with gender ideology and we certainly aren't 'susceptible" to it as a result of autism.

Also just to point out that non binary and transgender people have existed long before modern day society and can be traced throughout cultures and societies as far back as 2000 BC.

Also just to point out that non binary and transgender people have existed long before modern day society and can be traced throughout cultures and societies as far back as 2000 BC.

Throwing in a quick bit of cultural appropriation there to excuse western mordern day ideology.

If there is a link between autism and identity it is because many autistic people do not see the boxes allistic people put themselves or others in society in.

No one loves boxes more than gender ideologues. They have a flag for every one.

Seconding those who have said to really restrict access to social media, especially through early adolescence, so say 11-16. My DD is ND (not autistic, but does have social difficulties) and my MIL, who was a CAHMS nurse, was very clear that a lot of children are being groomed into gender identity beliefs by social media. She said it had gone from being a v v small number of boys (maybe 1 in an entire career) to multiple girls a week. All of them had social difficulties, and all of them had latched onto the idea that if they were the opposite sex, all their problems would be solved. If the parents could be persuaded to take the phone away, the girls desisted v quickly. But getting the parents to take the phone away was often impossible. My suspicion is that a lot of parents find having their socially awkward, difficult child parented by the internet in their bedroom is easier in the short term than actually parenting them, and that this is a massive problem that no-one wants to talk about.

Interestingly, between the ages of 13-15 my DD had v short hair, dressed in clothes from the boy's section, and was frequently mistaken for a boy. I didn't encourage or discourage any of it, but I was clear that she was just a girl who liked short hair and a certain style of clothing, which girls are allowed to do because this isn't Victorian England, and that the people who thought she was a boy were silly for thinking that short hair plus trousers = boy.

And frankly, a lot of autistic people tend to be rather boxy as well.

Alternative point of view - some autistic people are reluctant to show the real them to the world, so they use a disguise or model behaviour they have seen. One of my daughters does this - her diagnosis mentions how she role plays as a coping strategy, copying people she admires. This is very common in PDA in particular. There is a lack of self so they borrow from stereotypes, media personalities etc. This is where identifying as a cat or dog comes in, and also you can see how taking on a trans identity would work too.

Also just to point out that non binary and transgender people have existed long before modern day society and can be traced throughout cultures and societies as far back as 2000 BC.

Yes, gender non conforming people have always existed in the most sexist societies / societies that have very rigid sex gender stereotyped roles.

You could also model non stereotypical behaviour at home if you're inclined. I cut my hair into a very short pixie cut (it gets shorter the more range i feel about this subject ) so my DC knows i don't have to be a walking stereotype but am very much still his mummy.

Typo i meant rage! 😡

Many autistic children start speaking with echolalia. In many ways copying bits of other people’s behaviour is an extension of this.

There are huge parallels between transgender and neurodiversity ‘theory’ so it shouldn’t be surprising. A lack of proper science, issues that are social identities as well as disabilities but also brain differences, a huge wide spectrum of symptoms and different profiles/presentations. Not the mention the relatively sudden and enormous increase in diagnoses.

You mean gender non conforming people have always existed. You are talking about people wearing clothes.

No human can change sex. It's only extreme radicalised ideological zealots that think that people can magically change sex.

Back to facts, autistic children should not be taught that people can change sex.

I left the NAS because of their article in the magazine about menopause, and wrote to tell them so. The website is more of the same: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/physical-health/menopause

I've only read the first A Kind of Spark, but I think that's a really good call. Might be okay at age 9, might be worth saving til Christmas or so.

For books for you and your daughter, how about eBay for older books that were published before today's nonsense? I remember Kathy Hoopmann books being good: there was a picture book about cats that a friend's daughter liked, and some books for independent readers (something about a genie in a bottle...?). If you put her name in eBay, then sort by price lowest first, you'll probably get the older books! Let me know if that isn't enough to go on, and I'll have a look through the shelves to find the titles.

‘We certainly aren’t susceptible to it as a result of autism’ unfortunately that’s not true, please explain the massive rise in neurodivergent young women identifying as transgender in the last ten years then?

People with autism often feel different from other people, that’s because they are, and along comes an ideology to sweep them up and say ‘you feel differently because you were born in the wrong body’ and off they go down the rabbit hole of medication and surgery, when what they actually need is help and support to celebrate their differences, not irreversible medical intervention.

Features of autism lend themselves to gender distress.

Cognitive rigidity and black and white thinking is often found in autistic children and young people. Rigid and damaging ideas about gender can lead autistic young people (and adults) to wrongly believe that there is a problem with their sex as a result of being gender non conforming. It is abhorrent that people support this idea rather than reinforce that their sex and gendered preferences can be mutually exclusive.

Literal interpretation is common too, with autistic children and young people believing that toys, clothes, hobbies and interests labelled 'boys' or 'girls' indicate who is literally a boy or a girl.

In the last 10 years I have worked with over 100 autistic children experiencing gender distress. The above issues were factors that underpinned some of the distress.

As with all issues around gender identity, you can twist statements to be chicken or egg first.

I was not too sure about this statement from NHS Leicestershire when I was looking for resources to help my autistic teenager with school stresses. https://www.leicspart.nhs.uk/autism-space/education/support-with-other-school-related-issues/

Feels like telling them they're more likely to be LGBTQ is putting an idea in their head. But also being gay (nobody seems to use the word gay anymore?) is completely different to trans. Of course gay or non conforming teens need support but I think the way autistic kids are so impressionable and then fixated on an idea if they accept it makes these sort of statements quite dangerous.

Seems to me autism makes it incredibly hard to navigate this issue. Either they go one way and then can be accused of being offensive with their black and white thinking or else the other which is a whole scary slippery slope.

Social media and TikTok in particular seem to have played a significant role in encouraging young autistic people into questioning their gender, so in your shoes I'd do everything I could to keep her off it. Hobbies, special interests, sports — anything to actively fill her time. I'd second the horses/ riding or anything involving animals. In my area there are a number of families actively keeping their children phone-free and allowing only limited and supervised screen time. If you can tap into a network like that, it may help shield her from the worst indoctrination. Good luck: I know a number of people walking the tightrope with their children.

I have a dd 15 with autism. Sadly I avoid all online support groups for parents of autistic girls . One reason being that they can’t acknowledge a girl being diagnosed young , as my daughter was . The other being that they are all obsessed with gender ideology.