lexxi87 This is a really difficult issue as you are clearly in physical danger and distress, which is wrong and unjust, and obviously no-one on MN wishes you personally ill. But equally this is not a helpline or a charity: we are here to discuss female problems and perspectives generally. We look at the issue of trans rights primarily for how it affects biological women, who form a special group because of our physical vulnerability and our reproductive role.
This combination is something transwomen cannot share, even though many transwomen also experience male violence, including sexual violence, for violating traditional masculine norms about appearance and behaviour—the violence you yourself have been suffering. That treatment comes from men, not women, and women should not be expected to "make it better". Instead, we think that transmen and transwomen ought to campaign for safe spaces for themselves, separate from men's and women's spaces. The dangers you face are ones women have been facing since forever. We, too, walk in fear. We avoid certain places at certain times. We always have to stay alert. Have our house keys ready. Wear sensible shoes so we can run like hell. This fear is men's doing. You should be working to stop it, not expecting women to do it for you.
As for your appearance, does it really matter, when going to the hospital, what you look like? Doesn't your biological identity matter far, far more, as has already been pointed? The NHS will treat you as a person: it doesn't matter if you wear make-up and jewellery, not in such an environment! I know, I've been there, I've been in an ER at 2am looking like I've just been dragged through a hedge backwards. The nurses and doctors were wonderful and couldn't care less what I looked like.
I don't know you, of course, and you may reject what I'm going to say, but here it is: I think your obsession with your appearance is killing you. Almost literally. Women have learned slowly & painfully that this obsession is something foisted on us from outside—from other people's expectations that we have internalized and regurgitated. To me, it sounds as though you have internalized a certain directive about what it means to be a woman, and this amounts to looking a certain way. Can't you see that this is, well, crazy? Being a woman is a matter of biology. Being feminine is something else entirely. It's a matter of cultural norms and expectations, ones women have been induced or forced to adopt and men forced or induced to reject. I think—and I know it's presumptuous of me to say this—that what you want or need is to be feminine, not female. And if you choose to do that, then more power to your elbow. It is something achievable. Being a woman just isn't. But it may save your life.