Adultery and feminism?

[Fuzzywuzzyhaslonghair]

Been mulling this over and was hoping for some objective input...

DH had one night of sexual abandon with a girl who acts as a consultant for his firm. He did not tell me, I found out. I had met the girl in passing one night while holding a screaming baby and tantrumic toddler.

She knew she would come across me again in the future, albeit always in passing every so often.

She said before having sex with DH that she did not want to know his "position" or reasons for / details around wanting to have sec with her (eg open relationship or not etc etc).
She maintains she is a feminist to all and sundry in her daily life.

Can you call yourself a feminist and act like this? Am I just putting feminists on a pedestal? Is this just related to feminism and having choices about how to conduct oneself however the hell one pleases as a woman?
I would love to ask her, but I guess this is the next best thing.

She doesn't know I know.

[OllyBJolly]

Interesting thread. I've been in your situation, OP, and he left me for her. We had a 2 year old and a five month old baby and it was Christmas Eve.

I do think it's a feminist issue, but from a different point of view. The OW owed me nothing - we had no commitment, agreement, relationship. She didn't break any vows; she had no responsibility to children brought into the world by someone else. She was free to do as she pleased.

The XH had pushed to get married (religious reasons) and we both agreed to have children. He was the one breaking the vows, spending the family income and his spare time (I was a SAHM) on his affair, treating his children and their mother with such disrespect.

When this all happened, one of my first thoughts was that as far as it was in my power, I'd never allow another woman to feel the devastation and hurt I felt. I don't think that was my "feminist self" speaking - it was awareness of how painful it all was. If I learned anything from the experience, it was to treat people with a bit more kindness. (Actually, I learned a lot - never be dependent again!)

To this day, I don't think XH has any insight at all into how he broke me (thankfully mended now) and disrupted the lives of his children. As far as he's concerned it's all fine because we all survived etc etc.

I think we're very guilty, as women, for blaming other women. You just have to look at the number of "XW from hell" threads started by "new" partners. We need to go back to the 70s idea of sisterhood and support and respect one another.

Ooh! I do feel purged and lighter now!

[YonicScrewdriver]

How are you, OP? Is the thread helpful?

[maliaki]

I don't think cheating makes you feminist or antifeminist- it just means you did something shitty and makes you an arseholes.

I also think it's not fmeinist/antifeminist to be the other person in a relationship, again you're just a self absorbed arsehole.

I think it's not feminist to blame to other person, often it is the other person whose blamed as a 'homewrecker'- especially if they are the OW. The cheaters choose to do as they selfishly wish and would shag someone if they have the chance too, if the OW said no they could still easily go and find someone else.

I still class people who knowingly shag those in a relationship as arseholes though, not because they are responsible or homewreckers but because they're choosing to do something they know could hurt someone else. They just aren't anywhere close to as big an arsehole as the cheater- unless you're related to the cheater's OH or friends with them, in which case imo you are.

That's just my opinion though.

[HazleNutt]

she did not want to know his "position" or reasons for / details around wanting to have sec with her (eg open relationship or not etc etc).

Yes, I think that's a feminist choice - to make men take responsibility for their own actions, choices and promise-keeping, and not treat women as some kind of guards of men's morality and behaviour.

[dailygrowl]

I don't think her amorality about her sexual conduct / affairs is a kind of feminism. I don't think having a sex with a man you know is married has anything to do with feminism - it just means you have a pretty crap and selfish character. Likewise, men who have affairs with married women are also the same. It doesn't matter what the excuse is - you wait till they are separated or divorced before getting involved. (Also, if you can do that to someone, next time it can just as easily be done to you.)

(I am assuming - I hope I understood you correctly - that you mean she knows that you are the wife of the man she is having an affair with but isn't aware you have found out about them.)

I'm sure you know some really great women who are feminists, but likewise there are feminists out there who are rather more shaky, shall we say, as human beings to be around.

A lot of women nowadays claim to be feminists but are actually pretty hideous to women and nicer to men. That makes them absolutely not feminists. A lot of women I know are feminists, in their attitudes, behaviour and decision-making but have never really proclaimed "I'm a feminist" but simply said "This is the right thing to do" (and a number of men too). A lot of privileged women are clueless and seem to think that feminism is simply about not letting men open doors for you and not wearing skirts or pink - superficial things - and aren't at all aware that many women and girls around the world and in the UK live in situations that are truly unfair and unequal simply because they are female.

So sorry about your husband's cheating, OP. Hope you are getting lots of support and decent advice about what's best to do for yourself and your kids (the Relationships section has some good advice if you feel you want to look there). Cheating is a rotten thing to do to a spouse.