Are you forced to feel that being a SAHM is idelogical??

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi I'm new to mumsnet,

I'm currently doing my Economics degree dissertation and wondered what are you're thoughts on deciding to go back to work as a new mum??
do you feel pressured to return to work or be a SAHM??

do you feel there are strong gender norms in the uk that make mothers want to become SAHM's??

do you feel governments should do more about said influences??

have you experienced this type of pressure?? where from - other mums, media, men etc.??

and have you acted upon it?? i.e. returned to work because you feel society and family/friends feel you should?? does this make you feel guilty??

do you believe that being a housewife is the best?? or not why??

do you believe that children suffer from their mothers working?? why??

This subject interests me as I'm currently a SAHM to a 3 and half year old boy and currently 5 months pregnant, im in the last year of my degree and am feeling pressures from different directions either way, I am expecting to start work as of January 2016
and i would like to know about your experiences/situations....

Yours ideas and thoughts would gratefully be appreciated and if anyone has very strong ideas and would like to be part of the research please send me an email and I will get back to asap.

I'll look forward to hearing from you :)

[charlotteabigailharris]

In the next few weeks I will be conducting a questionnaire and will post it if anyone would like to complete it (rest assured all ideas and details will be confidential)

[vdbfamily]

I think there is more pressure to return to work than to stay at home. I personally felt that whilst my kids were preschool it was better for them to have a parent at home and so my husband worked a 4 day condensed week and I worked a long day once a week to keep my skills up to date. I gradually increased my hours once all the kids were at school but one or other of us has always been around for school drop off/pick up.Last year I broke my leg and was off work for over 4 months which is when I discovered Mumsnet. I was quite surprised to discover so much heated debate about working v SAHM's and was also surprised to hear the argument that SAHM's are setting a bad example to their kids. I think that being there for them 24/7 in their early years is one of the best starts to life they can get and it gives them a security that sets them up for life, even if you don't have much money as a result of losing one income for that time. However, I am not someone who has ever felt defined by my career(although I absolutely love my job) and I do understand that for some parents, staying at home would pose a risk to their sanity and possibly not be the best solution for them or their children. I think there is government pressure to return to work but I think working single parent families and families with both parents working fulltime are under humungous pressures which are not good for the parents,kids or anyone else!!

[HarveySpectre]

Finances dictated that I work. Ime it is unusual that 1 persons wages allows for a stay at home parent, without relying on benefits

I think the idea ofexpecting to decide whether to be SAHM or WOHM in the absence of any 'pressures' is fanciful and only for the very priveleged

[Bonsoir]

To think that the government doesn't want all able bodied adults in employment and paying tax is naïve.

However, intelligent adults do not have to choose the life path that governments prefer...

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP

I think as long as you have a free choice you don't really need to do what gov prefer.
I am a sahm and didn't want to return to work, I preferred to be at home and manage the family and home.
I don't give in to pressure so wouldn't really know what it is like to feel pressurised into doing something.
Lifes too short to determine your choices on what others feel is right or their choices.

[wol1968]

I became a SAHM because I couldn't afford to go back to work. I worked as a librarian where money is tight, jobs are scarce and chiefly London-based, and one is constantly made to feel that the work is a privilege not a necessity. I commuted (a round trip of up to 4 hours a day, not counting delays and cancellations) for years before I had my eldest, and it was clear once she was born that the cost of travel and childcare would more than wipe out my earnings. At the same time, we had an asset-stripper for a chief officer who was aiming to close the little staff library we ran. So my boss and I saw what was happening and both jumped ship within a year of each other.

I don't feel that being a SAHM was an ideological choice in my case, other than a basic feeling that I'd rather be with my children than have them in nursery 12 hours a day. (In fact I now realise I'm a little bit rubbish with small children and would have been better suited to working some of the time, but see above about my embattled 'profession'...) I was mainly forced into it due to a bad job market and no guidance whatsoever about possible career changes.

[MonstrousRatbag]

Genuinely, there was little pressure and what few remarks people did make were easily ignored. I take absolutely no notice of all the judgy misogyny about this issue in the Dail Mail etc, except to mock it. Plus, I didn't give a monkey's toss about what anyone other than my DH and immediate family thought, and they were all about making choices based only on what suited us.

Which was, for me to return to full-time work and DH to be the at-home parent ( we both firmly agreed that there had to be one). I found it very hard for the first few weeks after maternity leave both times. I've adjusted, and it's fine.

[bonniebear]

I could never imagine not working, stopping or slowing down. Growing up I don't think there is as much pressure on boys to do well. You know how Lisa gets consistent As and then they are impressed with Bart when he gets a D-. There is definitely something in that which is reflected in a lot of families in real life!

Dh has been a sahd at some points, he now works round my career. He like the boys in my own family weren't brought up to strive for a career in the same way as the girls.

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi vdbfamily,

It sounds like you've managed to get a really balance in your house with work and kids. I think when I work I would like to find flexible hours to allow me to pick the kids up too.
Just wondered what negative effects you think would happen to those kids where both parents work??

[bonniebear]

I prefer both working. Dh is working a part time job right now partly to pay childcare fees as I feel bad that I can't afford to send them full time anymore, especially the older one. We send them in even when he was at home as they get upset if we don't. It costs a bomb though, when only one is working!

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi HarveySpectre,

so would you prefer to be a SAHM?? i was reading an article focusing on the fact that many working women feel guilty about leaving the kids?? i do even for a few hours, have you ever experience this?? as you said you had to return to work.
At the moment my partner only earns £18000 and i do my degree and take care of the kids we manage but it is a struggle, therefore when ive graduated i think i may have to work full-time just to keep ahead of childcare costs. Did you find the same???

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi Bonsoir,

Just wondered whether you could elaborate?? do you not think that somewhere in Westminster they're people who do want the best and understand the caring crisis and therefore may encourage SAHM's??

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi morethanpotatoprints,

its good to know that someone feels there isn't any pressure, unfortunately I feel pressure from family to work and at groups i feel there is to some extent pressure to continue to be a SAHM

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi wol1968

I feel similar that kids benefit from both some time at home with mum and childcare as my child's behaviour has massively improved since hes started pre-school and we both get a break form each other. I use the 15 free hours for my 3 year old.
Just reading your post do you feel that governments could provide better support/advice to mums then?? any ideas on specifically what would of helped you??

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi MonstrousRatbag

sounds like you've got what works for your family, i don't think my other half would go for staying at home tbh even though i will be the higher earner when i work.... Just wondered if you could explain why you feel at least one parent to stay home is important??
in my house as a couple we felt the same and it worked well because i wanted to complete my degree therefore i stayed at home

[LadyIsabellaWrotham]

Elaborating slightly on Bonsoir's point, the Treasury's interest is in as many adults as possible being able to support themselves financially with the minimum of Government support. Women taking extended career breaks is believed to be detrimental to this goal, hence a general policy of encouraging them to stay in work after having children, eg by childcare tax breaks, maternity rights, shared parental leave, benefits sanctions.

It's less of a problem for the Treasury if the other parent will be around to support the SAHM in the future, and I suspect that's what may lie behind the new marriage tax break - I'm really surprised it took so long for them to get around to it.

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi bonniebear,
I think you're situation will be similar to mine when i start working, I too will be the breadwinner but will probably still be expected to do the majority of the chores, do you find the same??
again i understand how the childcare costs , my choice will be either work not at all or full-time because of childcare rates... I think the government have seriously underestimated how much this effects familys and womens decisions

[HarveySpectre]

I don't know if I would prefer to be a SAHM charlotte. I like being a professional and being skilled; its definitely part of my identity which I important to me.

I also want to work, because I have 2 dds and I want to be a role model. I want them to be financially independent as adults and not financially reliant on a partner.

But yes, I have definitely felt guilty about putting them in childcare from an early age and in after school care. That said, I don't think they have suffered for it.

Ive spent time out of work and the stress of not having enough money for food/bills is far worse than the guilt!

I know other mothers who cant work; cant get hours /wages that make it possible and so have no choice but to be a SAHM; on benefits as SP or partners low wage. And o know families who have no income (not uk) so I tend not to dwell on the guilt so much

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi LadyIsabellaWrotham

aw now i understand what Bonsoir meant.... i do feel though there will be some politicians whom will be from working-class backgrounds and understand the costs of childcare etc. that prevents women from retruning to work...
Just wondered what you think about gender norms??? do you feel that government policy to encourage mums to work will be ineffective because of the pressure to be SAHM's?? - or like you said do you think its just a case of tax revenue and if the other half is earning the gov doesn't matter

[bonniebear]

I want them to go to childcare whether dh works or not. I think it is really important so will cut back on other things to afford it at least part of the time, especially in the holidays. The 2 eldest dc want to go everyday, but we can't afford it.

I text dh with things to do, but no I don't do anywhere near as much at home as dh. I do nightfeeds though, and I like to tidy and hoover.

[charlotteabigailharris]

Hi HarveySpectre,

I think I'll feel the same where I wanto to be a good model for my children but feel that i'll feel guilty.
I take it you work full-time?? just wondered whether you would prefer to work part-time or not at all if you could??
Completely understand your situation...
I know you explained your very happy in your job but have you ever felt the pressure to be a SAHM??

[bonniebear]

I would never, ever be a sahm. I would rather work down a mine tbh Love my kids, do I want to be with them 24/7 god nooooo

[Strictlyison]

Being a parent comes with all kinds of pressures, from family, friends, strangers, the media, financial, etc. You just have to be strong enough and believe that the choices you are making are the right ones for you and for your family. If you stay at home you are judged, if you go back to work you are judged. If you work and prioritise your family you are judged. If you decide to change career so that you can have a better life balance you are judged. The only option is to stick to your guns trust your own judgement.

I left a lucrative career working for one of the top 5 management consultancy firms in the UK to become a childminder after DS2 was born. You should have seen the eyebrows, heard the comments, still now 5 years later every time I say to a new group of people that I'm a childminder I get comments, most of which are patronising and sarcastic, some are plain nasty. This comes mostly from other women. Do I care?

[MonstrousRatbag]

We wanted one person at home because we think children have the best outcomes with empathic care from one or at least very few carers, so there is continuity and a sense of security. It doesn't have to be a parent-it could be a grandparent or nanny or childminder, but none of those was a practical option for us. So one of us had to stay at home.

Both children did nursery part-time from the age of two and a half and loved it, however.

[HarveySpectre]

charlotte the only pressure I have felt to be a SAHM radiates from MN and the media

Yes, part time would be better. I have done that in the past and felt less happier at home, but frustrated at work. Ive taken a step up which requires FT working. For now. But my intention is to be PT again