I can't unsee what I've seen or unread what I've read and I just feel angry

[TentativeFeminist]

I've only just starting really learning about feminism and all the stuff in life that is influenced by being a woman. I am glad I'm not blind to it anymore but at the same time I feel sort of like it's ruined certain parts of my life and also I feel so angry at everything. Does anyone else feel like this? I don't know how to deal with these feelings really.

For example, I can't sit and enjoy a film anymore because all I can see are the stereotypes or the ways women are just props for the male characters. I can't listen to a lot of music I used to enjoy because of the lyrics. I feel angry at myself for some of the TV shows I previously enjoyed (like "The Simple Life" with Paris Hilton) and I feel sad for younger me for buying into all that stuff even though I know it wasn't particularly my fault.

It's making me feel sort of sad about being a woman too. I'm annoyed that having a vagina automatically makes me second class in lots of ways. It frustrates me that something I can't control or hide on a day to day basic has been influencing my life from day dot and will for the rest of it. It makes me angry that my daughter may have all this to come.

Sorry if this sounds weird. It's just all so new to me and I don't know how to stop feeling so mad and to control this rage so it doesn't damage my life. Already I feel like it's changing my perspective of men and making me think "how could I ever be with a man again?".

My head feels like mush :(

Interesting post OP... I must admit I've only recently started being aware of how ingrained the misogyny is..., I have two daughters and the elder one has just started watching things like Disney films and I'm just so about the story lines. Films I loved as a child I don't want my children watching (yes dear, all that matters is that you're thin and pretty and Prince Charming will come along and sweep you away and all will be well...)

I've no idea what to do about it... Even sodding Peppa Pig is guilty of it. Sigh.

I'm still going through this phase and am wondering if I can ever just enjoy a film/tv show/piece of popular theatre for its own sake ever again... it seems like there's always something that's horrible, sexist bullshit in even the most innocuous thing!

Lovecat and PPs re: movies, conversations like [http://the-toast.net/2014/10/16/fictional-characters-gotten-abortions/ this] can be satisfying. I realize that doesn't make up for it but I do enjoy the voicing of collective outrage/disbelief.

Bah link fail! Try here

=D Keatsie

DD is actually far more aware of stuff than I ever was at her age - I don't know if that's from me (I try not to bang on about stuff as I don't want to 'ruin' it for her), but she is quite a thoughtful child and often comes out with gems such as 'Why does she want to marry him? He can't even be bothered to go and find her, he sends his butler! And what if the shoe fit someone else first, would he have just married her instead?' (Cinderella) and 'Why would Sleeping Beauty think the Prince would care if her floor was dirty?' (Cif advert) also 'Why are only boys playing with the toy? Lots of girls would like to play with it as well!' (just about every gendered toy advert going).

smiley fail - should have been :o

That's so cool that your DD is so aware! I can see not wanting to spoil things for her, but it's terrific that she's coming to it by herself ... I surely wasn't at all aware of what I was being sold, and my unconscious attachment to the savior-prince idea did not do me any favors later on.

I feel similar OP. I've been becoming a bit more aware in the past few years, mainly through reading blogs and Mumsnet. I went to the Feminism in London conference this Saturday, which was really interesting but I came away thinking "but what can I DO". It's hard to see what we can actually do to make a difference. There is such a massive problem and any action seems like it will make such a tiny dent... however, even a tiny dent is better than nothing. There have been big changes in the recent past, it's just that we have such a long way to go before equality that it seems almost impossible.

I had a moment the other day. There was an article on the news about some women fighting to get equal pay and I lost it. I shouted how unfair it was that because one person was born with a willy and the other with tits and a fanny that they should be paid differently for the same work.

It was mostly for the benefit of DFil. He was both shocked and greatly amused at my outburst. He is misogynistic, homophobic and racist and does my head in. Oh and disablist. His next musing was that it is unfair to pay disabled people the same as non disabled people. I gave up at that point, I couldn't really find the words.

Me too.

I've stuck with reading Terry Pratchett recently. All film and music just Pisses Me Off.

I'm going through the whole anger thing again now that I have a daughter. It's like I've started noticing things that I had been maybe subconsciously ignoring or downplaying. Now I'm worried about those things affecting her and I'm angry and I'm scared and I'm frustrated all at the same time.

You know what would be great? A little feministy things (or big things) you can do to help - thread. Let's brainstorm!

Wow, so many replies! This is making me feel so much better to see how many people feel the rage. I've just spotted the little feministy things to do thread so going to have a good read of that in a minute too! Hopefully I can direct my rage towards something productive rather than letting it slowly eat me up.

Bertie, Bruno Mars is one of the ones I used to like too until I found myself questioning why the fuck she should be expected to catch a grenade for him just because he would for her. Ugh. Funnily enough I rewatched some episodes of scrubs recently too (liked it as a teen) and had to turn it off because it was just horrible in some bits.

Even in the past couple of days since I posted, I notice more and more things and it just makes me feel a bit hopeless. That cleaning advert with the princess cleaning. Woman after woman after woman just being a prop for the man. The number of films that could be about women but are automatically men like a previous poster said.

Mainly though its the number of people who don't see it and add to it. Then the shame that until this week I was one of them. Ugh.

I feel quite angry too because in a strange way it's making me feel ashamed of being a woman and that's shit.

Great posts OP.
I feel like Im starting to have my eyes opened to whats been blindingly obvious all the time- this board has gone a long way in prompting that change so thank you all actually.
The thing I'm constantly noticing (once I started I couldn't stop) was 'ownership' if that's the right word? Male characters in tv and film speaking to other males about whether they are interested in a female character like its solely their decisions who the female (character) should be with.
In starting to challenge my own thoughts and feelings and feel like I need to develop my opinions about so many things I hadn't considered until now.

Apologies if this has been done before but I saw this cartoon posted on a feminist site on FB and it made me think of this thread :)

www.sinfest.net/view.php?date=2011-10-09

That's good Lovecat.

I don't always agree with GS but...

I haven't read the whole thread, but really wanted to say this: Tentative, life is much much better as a feminist. Seriously. You may have lost your love for a few things for a bit, but believe me, your life will be much, much, much richer in the long run. (OMG, I sound like Mystic Meg YKWIM, though - I hope.)

Seriously, there's much more fun to be had.

I got worked up today arguing about the blatantly obvious sexism in a video game. Its everywhere. I feel like I am constantly pointing it out and that I am starting to sound like a broken record.

Then I speak to other feminists and it reinforces the need to discuss these issues rather than ignore them.

Welcome to the somewhat frustrating club OP You can never leave….MWAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, you'll never look at things the same way again.

I notice it mainly with adverts trying to sell women facecreams.

They try to make women feel guilty about the slightest blemish or line. We have to be 'perfect'.
fight the 7 signs of ageing.
And what about the women that get all excited at seeing the giant products in the street (latest Boots Ad)
There's another one about how women should be 'embarrassed' about their stretch marks and use bio-oil?
Why should we be made to feel guilty about everything. Childbirth marks should be seen as a badge of honour.
Such pressure ALL the time. Always targeted at Women.

At the tender age of 45 I'm starting to notice this far more now too... I guess before I just felt happy that I'd been able to do what I wanted and be quite successful in my ventures.

This very day my 16 year old daughter told me she'd been unable to continue reading the book she'd started - Flatland - because it was so misogynist. I was pleased she felt this way. This book is a 'classic', though, so it makes me wonder if we need to reassess what constitutes 'classic' literature ,where classics are too far removed from current sensibilities.
We wouldn't hold up a book that was overtly racist as a classic, for example, so why books that show women as second class citizens?

NoRoom that's really interesting.
How does your daughter's teacher treat 'Flatland' though?
I think it would be really difficult to avoid misogynistic literature in reading the cannon. I think what can make that unbearable for students, though, is when there's not acknowledgement of and discussion about misogyny in literature.

You're absolutely right, Julykit, of course we will always come across misogynistic literature, and most of us will continue to read works that have this element. And we should: it's important education. It's just that perhaps some works should not be vaunted as being something wonderful when they may be found offensive.
I'm not talking about, for example, women being shown to have had different roles in society in a Victorian novel - they did, after all - but about plain old misogyny. Plenty of strong intelligent women in classic literature.

My DD didn't have to read that book, it wasn't a school thing. She just thought it sounded interesting and original, and it was recommended to her by her sister! Shame about that awful aspect, though.

I feel like this. The thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have a son and two daughters and I am determined that they will all be feminist. A proud moment was a few months ago when my 13 year old was watching Frozen with me and her siblings and at the end where Kristoff asks if he can kiss Anna, she pointed and said 'look! Consent!'.

It helps that DH is willing to listen and learn. His family are all sexist and misogynistic especially his Dad and I have had several lively discussions with him where I have pointed out that our son will be brought up as a feminist. DH is very much a hands on Dad and equal to me as a husband and on the rare occasions when he has tried to 'swing his balls around' (as I put, it) I have pulled him up on it sharpish.

Thank you for this Tentative.... & thank you everyone else for all the encouragement. I've also had a sneaking suspicion all was not well in the world for women, & since hitting 40 have become really quite ranty!
Sometimes I'm relieved that I don't have DDs as I would feel guilty bringing them into this. But I realise bringing up my 2 DSs right will be just as much of a challenge. I've started by trying not to gender-stereotype toys too much (DS1 is 2yo & has a doll as well as cars, & has asked for a princess dress as his next outfit). DH is pretty brill (he does more housework than me) & is, on the whole, supportive of my intentions for the DSs.
I think I'll have to start reading some of the books suggested here & on other threads. I, too, realise I won't be able to 'unsee' or 'unknow' these things, but surely that's not bad?

I suggest you broaden your tastes in music.