Is there any subtle way of challenging this?

[Thistledew]

Female friend just posted on FB of her 3 year old daughter how heartwarming she found it to hear "I love my daddy because he tells me I am beautiful".

I would love to say something about the early socialisation of girls without causing too many ruffled feathers.

Suggestions?

Thanks.

There is evidence to suggest telling a child they are clever is counter productive.

The suggestion is that calling a child clever lets them believe this, so they tend to not try as hard and consequently achieve less.

You are supposed to put emphasis on effort and working hard.

Here are a couple of links:

www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2012/10/10/want-your-child-to-succeed-dont-do-these-four-things/

www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids/

More stuff if you google it.

Ah, this is connected to the rise in narcissism. Zippey is half right, constantly calling a child 'clever', 'so talented' for no reason can end up problematic.
It's important to back a compliment with related evidence "that was a clever thing to do" or "when you did that, it was the best i have seen you do" sort of thing.

The problem a lot of young adults are dealing with is the notion that good looks make you a good person and that you can be "amazing" +aka famous) for no reason.

Incidently, pushing someone to have "good self esteem" can backfire if it's based on zero acheivement.
It breeds narcissism.

I would just try to avoid using the word "clever" and replace it with "good effort", or "you worked hard and you achieved it", stuff like that.

As for the OP, personally I would avoid getting involved in this situation but some good suggestions above where you don't challenge the statement but add some compliments of your own.

Most people do not like being lectured about their parenting, probably more so on Facebook after a seemingly innocent comment. She will just think you are a bit loopy.

I would put something like "and he's right, she is! And she's funny and climbs like a monkey too!"

I agree that Facebook is not the place to get into a discussion of this.

On the other hand, I was brought up never hearing a compliment on my appearance. I think once my father might have said that I looked smart in new school uniform. The words pretty, beautiful, attractive were never used, ever. By the time I got to the stage of having terrible skin as a teenager, my self esteem was at rock bottom, even when I got a bit older and my looks improved.

So when a toe rag in the upper sixth asked me if I wanted to have a sexual arrangement with him, not a relationship and keep it secret , I was so gasping for attention that I actually said yes without a second thought about whether I actually deserved a bit more. I was quite happy to be 'used' and didn't question whether or not this was fair. Thankfully I didn't actually have intercourse with him, although I am almost too ashamed to say why, but the whole entanglement was enough to distract me from my school work, close me off to the possibilities of genuine relationships and damage my confidence.

The above paragraph is about the most personal thing I have ever written on MN.

My question is, in this looks-focused culture, how do you build self-esteem, confidence and pride in girls? Because, from my own experience, not complimenting appearance doesn't necessarily mean that confidence in other elements of the self will be enough to fill its place.

I am pretty confident in myself now on a day-to-day basis, but if I probe the 'cracks' under pressure, a smaller girl inside me still desperately seeks approval.

BranchingOut. So true. If that's how society defines us it is impossible not to define ourselves that way also.

OP, I wouldn't say anything to be honest, except something like "well he's right, she is beautiful inside and out" Although that still seems incredibly cheesy to me. I really hate all the cheese on Facebook!

Thanks for all the comments. I haven't said anything and I probably won't. I don't think my friend would see anything wrong with posting something political on FB as she is not at all hesitant at sharing her strong religious and lifestyle views!

The whole giving of complements to young children is a minefield, isn't it?

If you don't tell your child that they should have pride in their appearance they probably won't (like the PP above- sorry I forgot your name I'm on my phone and can't scroll back). Likewise, I was not praised for being clever and was almost shocked when I got straight As for GCSE. I didn't have pride or ambition in my academic achievements and wonder if I would have achieved better grades at A level and in my degree if I had been aware from earlier on that I had a talent to nurture.

Yes, self-esteem is a slippery bugger!

The thing about academic achievement is at least there are some external measures eg. you can score well in a test. However, looks and personality are socially determined (look at the changing ideas of beauty over the centuries) so the feedback an individual receives tends to determine their view of themselves.

I'm with BranchingOut - there is no right answer in a sexist culture. I also never got a single compliment on my appearance as a child (in fact there was a lot of "It's just as well she's clever"). It's taken me almost my whole adult life to get mostly over my deep insecurity about how I look, even though I met DH very young and he's always been generous about my looks. I retreated into a "brain on a stick" persona and more or less disassociated myself from my body and face.

I tell DS all the time that he's beautiful and gorgeous. Because he is, but also because I want him to have the fundamental confidence in his physical self that I lacked.

My young niece gets continual compliments about how "beautiful" she is. But to my knowledge since my nephew grew out of the baby stage noone says he is "beautiful" any more.

I tell my kids they are gorgeous and handsome but that I am biased! I'd hate for them to say they love me for saying it. You can't challenge this guff via Facebook.

In my family I always ask all the kids what they are reading and feign interest even if it's The Beano. I compliment the teenagers if they look like they've been making an effort say with hair gel or the new-fangled eyebrows.

I don't remember being told I was good looking in particular as a kid but I ended up with reasonable self-esteem as my parents were usually positive about me but in a realistic way. There was a quite an effort to be well turned out in public! Maybe that's the message I got, to do the best with what you've got.

They never commented negatively on others. They would say someone was good-looking or smartly dressed but I never heard the miserable picking apart that I later heard from friends.

What are new fangled eyebrows and do I need some?

Very stark, stylised and black. I still haven't fully interrogated the owner to find out how they are done!

IMHO nobody needs them.

Ah, I think I will remain old fangled!

If you were my friend and did this I think I would think you a twerp

It's her dad for gods sake, it doesn't mean he doesn't tell her she's x, y and z too, but she's three and most likely is beautiful, sometimes I think people think too much about the wrong things

Hmmmm, please tell us more about how we're doing thinking wrong.

That this is your first worry when you see a message about a small child

Get a grip, worse things happen at sea and I certainly wouldn't expect a lecture about it from a supposed friend

Have all the beliefs you like but that overstepping the mark

Ok. So what, in your opinion should we be thinking about?

Btw, I don't think saying something would do anything but annoy the other family, but I'm still a bit about it.

That's just it, you can think whatever you like

Just something's are plain rude to vocalise

I think a direct response will just end up sounding rude unfortunately. Maybe share this video instead?

here

A loving father finds his daughter beautiful and he tells her so. The problem is...?
We call our son "beautiful boy" all the time.