Could you be friends with an anti-feminist?

[SurprisinglyCalm]

Just that, really. Someone I know and used to be good friends with, who has since moved away, put something on Facebook (I know, I know) that was along the lines that women aren't constitutionally fit to be involved in public affairs. Worse still, I'm pretty sure she posted it in response to something I said. It made me feel genuinely hurt and if she'd said it in RL, I've got no idea how I'd have responded.

I've seen misogynistic 'jokes' on FB before, which have hurt me, but this felt worse because a) it had no pretence of being funny, b) it was probably aimed at me, and c) said by someone I like and was good friends with.

Because I know her so well, I know that she has become more openly anti feminist over the past few years, and also, again because I know her, I more or less know why - I.e. What in her past she's reacting to, and the male approval she's seeking etc. I feel desperately sorry for her and feel genuine compassion for her. But can I be friends with someone who thinks that who I am, what I do and believe and stand for are all fundamentally wrong? What do you think, and could you be friends with someone who is an open anti feminist?

For me, feminism is not just a political opinion like being for Obamacare. It is the center of my world view and the very core of who I am and my sense of self. I would not get far enough in a relationship with someone who opposed feminism to become a friend.

No. It couldn't and wouldn't last. I would get on their every nerve :o

Thanks for the responses :)

One thing is that to genuinely believe that women can and should not be involved in, e.g., politics, or business, is just such a very alien way of thinking to me. I'm normally quite good at empathising and putting myself in the other person's shoes, but I truly find this a really difficult viewpoint to hold. Like I said though, I can see that this person's background is very complex and she is finding a way of dealing with it by taking on a very defined identity with very clear, certain views on things which must give her a sense of control and comfort and also give her the sense that she is gaining the approval of the men in her life.

I know someone else who genuinely believes, and says outright, that men are superior to women (she's female). Also not a very difficult or traumatic background - certainly she wouldn't see it that way - but with some things in her family life that could cause her to seek male attention above all else.

Doe anyone else know people like this?

I have never met anyone who holds those views about any minority group. I couldn't be friends with someone who said that about women, gay people, black people or anyone else. It really isn't comparable to putting up with more common sexist views.

SurprisinglyCalm, I've definitely known a few women like that, but I prefer not to associate with them as they are depressing. I worked with a woman who would frequently voice highly misogynist opinions, ranging from the conviction that women made terrible employees because they were all bitchy and untrustworthy (I assume excluding herself?) to once stating that most rape victims brought it on themselves.

Notably, she'd make such declarations only when men were around, which does suggest she was doing it for male approval. (The dudes all merely shifted uncomfortably when she'd come out with this stuff, although I wonder whether they would have privately agreed with her if she'd been the only woman in the room.)

I just avoided her as much as possible (thereby confirming her opinion of me as bitchy and untrustworthy?) She was only in her 20s, and for some reason this made it particularly sad.

I think women who hold such views, like your friend who states baldy that women are inferior to men, are likely driven by the just-world fallacy. It's too painful to admit that the social order is deeply fucked up and too much effort to try to change it, so it's easier to believe there must be a rational reason for all the brutality and injustices that are heaped upon women.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis

A friend of mine is constantly complaining/arguing about money with her Dh yet she refuses to work because 'they agreed she would stay at home and raise the children'. That was then.

They are now 14 and 16 and she hasn't worked for over 16 years, but wants her dc's to have everything from music lessons, holidays, sports clubs etc. She will not have 'some strange woman bringing up her kids'.

Her husband has been begging her to get a job to ease the pressure on him for over ten years. I understand the notion that the 'giving' of oneself can be equal to the promotion of oneself............as she explains feminism..............or do I?

Here are some bricks. Build a bridge and get over it love.

Get a job if you want your kids to have the latest gear and go on the school ski trips.

I think I agree, she's not being so much anti-feminist as plain rude. But I also agree that given you know she is troubled, it is understandable you might want to stick around.

I have a friend who is now someone I like very much, and when I first knew her she came across as fairly unfeminist, occasionally anti-feminist. She's now much happier and also much more feministy. Unhappy people are easy targets for misogynistic propaganda.

My friend is not anti but is (she says) not a feminist. One of those "But I like men to open the door for me" types. Yes well, the rest of us are really happy to have it slammed in our face!!!

She give men a really hard time and would be happy for them to pay for eveything. Always waffling on about how independant she is but the minute one is through her door, they are up a ladder fitting a light bulb. She is not a midget by the way or incapable........

I gnash my teeth more at her for loving Margaret Thatcher to be honest. She is always spouting Tory nonsense.

I think it's possible to be an "Anti Feminist" without compromising on your views.

I don't class myself as a "Feminist" because I'm not interested in equal rights for Women, I class myself as an "Equalist" in general because I want equal right for all. (I definitely dont' class myself as an Anti Feminist though).

I realise that this starts with women in a lot of cases, but I wouldn't stop & put my feet up once women had equality in an area if there were still others that didn't have it - whereas I think a Feminist is focussed mainly on women.

The OPs "friend" sounds more like a sexist arse than an Anti Feminist to me....

I'm always told how a man should support his wife where I work all the men have wives that work and that's their 'pocket money' as they would never be expected to contribute to the house.

I split everything 50/50 or take turns. It's equal. The amount of shit I get about it

I have friends who don't identify as feminist but are feminists in their actions and thoughts, so I try to not get too caught up in the semantics. My BF has recently self-identified as a feminist and we are having a lovely time talking about issues and books. My other BF is just about to go back to work after having a child and I await her conversion...

But the person in the op isn't a non-feminist - she's a sexist. I don't have any sexist or misogynist friends, no.

I think sometimes people come out with these mad views as they want them to be challenged. My MIL was quite sexist (and racist) but now seems to feel comfortable enough to say what she would once have said completely thoughtlessly so I can set her straight. It's quite weird really - for example a couple of weeks ago she was watching DD(1) and she said "I love that wiggly baby bum, like a negress bum," then looked at me and DH waiting for us to object. When we inevitably did she asked us to explain why it was wrong (which we did) and in the end she said "yes, I get it. I won't say that again." I admire her willingness to put herself up for criticism and to accept it. Generally I never let these things lie, I challenge them; calmly.

It's surprising how many people are open to having their minds changed if you approach them respectfully and accept where their viewpoint is coming from (in MIL's case, her upbringing, her Dh and her lack of education).

I'm sorry I really couldn't be friends with someone who thought my genitalia impacted my ability to think properly.

I'm friends with people with very different political and religious views, and we mostly agree to disagree, but I just find misogyny so incredibly personally offensive that I'd lose all respect for them.