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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Where do you fall on "forgetting" contraception?

62 replies

MangoBiscuit · 01/03/2014 01:32

DH and I have been together over 8 years, 2 DC together. After most recent DC (now 5 months) he was the one to inform me initially that my consultant said it would be "inadvisable" for me to try to carry any more DCs " (which has since been relayed to me). We are currently waiting for me to get my IUD fitted so are using condoms (tried the POP, made me murderous!). DH indicated that he was "dressed" when he wasn't. He doesn't think this is a big deal as I "could just take the morning after pill."

I'm so fucking angry I can't even string together an answer, therefore he thinks I'm over-reacting. So am I over-reacting? Or if a man says's he's covered, should you believe him without inspection?

OP posts:

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 01/03/2014 12:04

This would be a deal breaker for me.

The fact he isn't acknowledging that he did anything wrong would be the nail in the coffin.

I would ask him to leave.

Fairenuff · 01/03/2014 12:04

He lied to you for his own gain. I don't see how you can trust him.

However, on balance OP, I think that you are responsible for your own contraception. Even though you should be able to trust your dh, you obviously can't.

If a man says he is not responsible for a pregnancy because the woman told him she was on the pill, or couldn't have children, or any other lie, he would be told that he is responsible for his own contraception.

From now on OP, I would say no sex at all unless you know that your own contraception is sorted.

WhoWasThatMaskedWoman · 01/03/2014 12:07

It's possible that he didn't realise the full implications of the MAP, ie a) it's pretty unreliable b) it's hormonal and you react badly to hormonal contraception, so maybe he didn't realise the full practical implications of his actions. But even if you gave him the benefit of that doubt it's still appallingly disrespectful on an emotional/personal level.

He needs to understand both parts of what he did wrong and grovel, otherwise it's potentially a relationship breaker.

And what do you mean, you were unconscious????????

BusinessUnusual · 01/03/2014 12:08

Fair, I think in a LTR, there would be a lot if support for a man whose partner has lied about contraception. Less so in a ONS.

BusinessUnusual · 01/03/2014 12:08

Unconscious when the doctor said about getting PG again!

WhoWasThatMaskedWoman · 01/03/2014 12:16

Ah that makes sense - I muddled up the "he"s.

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2014 12:16

I think that you are responsible for your own contraception OP is waiting to get IUD fitted & her dh implied that he had it covered, I think that would be responsible enough, especially if her dh is usually reliable.

And what do you mean, you were unconscious???????? When the info was given re no more babies.

BusinessUnusual · 01/03/2014 13:57

Are you OK, OP?

joanofarchitrave · 01/03/2014 18:49

Actually, I would be reviewing pretty much everything he'd ever told me.

Was it him who relayed the information to you? a) why did a consultant tell him about it, that's a breach of confidentiality? b) why wasn't it the consultant who subsequently informed you?

Basically, if it was him who said it, I'd get confirmation from another source. What a way to live.

CailinDana · 01/03/2014 19:08

Oh op that's awful.

How are you doing?

itsbetterthanabox · 01/03/2014 19:53

He assaulted you.
Your consent was based on the fact that he told you he was wearing a condom. If you would not have consented to sex if you had known he was not wearing a condom then he raped you.
The effect of pregnancy would be detrimental to your health and well being. This is true even if you didn't have extra health problems. Whereas it has literally no affect on him it his body.
He is basically willing to risk your physical, mental and emotional health just so sex feels a little bit different for him.
Tbh I would consider leaving someone who did this. They clearly don't respect your body.

PenguinsEatSpinach · 01/03/2014 21:27

I would be incandescent with rage and it would destroy my trust in him. He lied about something very important. He showed a horrific lack of respect for your health.

samandi · 01/03/2014 23:13

Um, WTF? You've been together that long and had two kids and he can't even be bothered to wear a condom? Big very red flag. Although I'm not sure how you couldn't tell - did he pretend to put one on?

Original poster

MangoBiscuit · 02/03/2014 14:18

OP here, sorry to have posted and run. Thank you for your concern, I'm ok.

My second labour went a bit awry, EMCS under epi turned into a major 3+ hours surgery because of adhesions causing a lot of problems. DH was in theatre with me until I was put under GA, at which point he was ushered into a waiting room, and left on his own until it was all over. My consultant went to update him, and explain what had happened, which is how come he was told first, while I was still unconscious in recovery. DH relayed it to me as he saw me first. My consultant came back to see me and told me herself as well. I have no issue with him being told first, my consultant knew I was happy for anything to be discussed with DH. But it does mean that he knows, really knows, just how much I DON'T want to risk getting pregnant!

We had a big talk about it all yesterday morning. He did not explicity say "I am wearing a condom", I did not explicity ask, but we've discussed this before (to avoid having to discuss it at the time) and agreed there would be no intercourse without condoms. As per usual I made a vague inquiry, and got an affirmative response. We clearly miscommunicated, and that won't be happening again. He pulled out before he came, so he thought that would have removed any risk, which was why he didn't think it was as bigger deal as I did. I told him it doesn't remove the risk at all. DD2 was a long time in the making, so I think that was a factor in him not panicking like I did.

Once we were on the same page, he was very, very apologetic. He's going to speak to his GP about getting the snip, his suggestion, not mine. He was kicking himself that he put my health at risk. He spent the whole day just looking after me and our DDs. I believe him when he says it won't ever happen again. He is not usually a selfish man. We've had our ups and downs but we normally have a very stable, respectful, caring relationship.

OP posts:

WhoWasThatMaskedWoman · 02/03/2014 14:38

I think that the fact that he grovelled really does make a huge difference. And withdrawal also makes a big difference in practice - withdrawal before ejaculation without a condom is pretty much as safe as ejaculation with one on because condoms do fail. But the emotional / respect issue is still awful.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 02/03/2014 15:19

It is not the same risk.

I'm glad to read your response - it sounds like it was a huge miscommunication rather than a deliberate thing. He was still in the wrong but it sounds like he genuinely didn't think that he was doing something wrong, rather than thinking, oh, I know it's wrong but screw it I'll do it anyway (knowing what was at stake if he'd done that that would be a huge red flag to me).

steina · 03/03/2014 01:23

This story makes me so angry!
I have personal (ish) experience, my brother was tricked into believing his girlfriend was using contraception, she even convinced him to stop using condoms as she felt it would make sex "more spontaneous"!
While he loves his daughter all choice was taken from him which I find abhorrent.

differentnameforthis · 03/03/2014 03:50

it sounds like it was a huge miscommunication rather than a deliberate thing.

DH indicated that he was "dressed" when he wasn't. he lied about being covered, that IS deliberate!

Where is the miscommunication?

BertieBotts · 03/03/2014 08:30

Did you see the OP's second post?

He did not explicity say "I am wearing a condom", I did not explicity ask, but we've discussed this before (to avoid having to discuss it at the time) and agreed there would be no intercourse without condoms. As per usual I made a vague inquiry, and got an affirmative response. We clearly miscommunicated, and that won't be happening again. He pulled out before he came, so he thought that would have removed any risk, which was why he didn't think it was as bigger deal as I did.

VeggySausage · 03/03/2014 10:13

However, on balance OP, I think that you are responsible for your own contraception. Even though you should be able to trust your dh, you obviously can't.If a man says he is not responsible for a pregnancy because the woman told him she was on the pill, or couldn't have children, or any other lie, he would be told that he is responsible for his own contraception.From now on OP, I would say no sex at all unless you know that your own contraception is sorted.

fairenuff this isn't the same as a man being lied to about the pill, there is always room for error so he should use a condom anyway. And while it is absolutely wrong to do that to someone.. it is not the same as risking another person (your wife's life!).

Op how did he indicate he was wearing a condom to you? Or did you just assume? I don't think he was right doing it if you had discussed it before, but it depends if it really was a miscommunication or not.

If you feel he wanted you to believe he was wearing a condom that while not that would be the end of the relationship for me.

differentnameforthis · 03/03/2014 10:32

Yes I did, and this pops out at me..

and agreed there would be no intercourse without condoms

steina · 03/03/2014 11:23

VeggieSausage, I'm new here so hi, I think (if you take away the outlined physical risk) it is the same as a man being lied to about the pill; consent is given within parameters and those parameters are either met, or not met.

"there is always room for error so he should use a condom anyway"
Not sure I agree with this as there is room for error with any contraceptive, should we lesson his responsibility in this matter by suggesting she should have used a femidom?

AuntieStella · 03/03/2014 11:29

Well, as he's going to have a vasectomy, I think he is demonstrating that he does take it seriously.

Op: you do need to work out what contraception you will use until he gets a post-op all clear (and this can take several months).

Do you think he will now use condoms conscientiously? Or would you consider a coil knowing it would only be for a limited time?

scallopsrgreat · 03/03/2014 12:04

But you can't take out the physical risk, steina. Unless of course you don't believe that there is any risk for women being pregnant and bearing children?

VeggySausage · 03/03/2014 12:14

How can you take away the outlined risk? The risk is always higher for a woman not just in the case. (STD/pregnancy/death from pregnancy)

And in this case:

Man: if I have sex with this woman I run the risk of her forgetting her pill/getting ill and having diarrhea rendering the pill being ineffective/ choosing to not take her pill and lie to me.

If she gets pregnant I became a father. I can choose to accept or not accept that risk and using a simple and effective method of contraceptive.

The OP: If I get pregnant I will have to have an abortion or potentially die.

I am ina long term relationship with a man who I believe thinks my life has value and put my life and well being over the urges of his penis. I am currently on the list to get an IUD so I am taking control over my fertility but need my dh to be a decent human being until then.

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