Partner's wishes v. your independance, your views wanted...

[jungletoes]

Just pondering really. Planning a night out at weekend, drinking and dancing, with girl friends. DH has said he doesn't like the idea of me out late dancing, short party dress etc and thinks I may invite male attention. Don't get me wrong, he's not saying "I'm not to go" or "over my dead body" etc, just airing his views.

So, when does considering your partner's feelings become compromising our freedoms as equals??

I'd feel fraudulent calling WA.
He's ill. He has m.e how could he possibly stop me doing anything? But he does.

The last time I went out was before we had kids. It was a Greek meal with girls from work. There was plate smashing and Greek dancing in a circle. I was dragged up. Arms were linked, us and the waiters. Silly fun.
Friends took pics. I had them developed. Put them in a drawer.
Came home from work and the pics were spread all over the kitchen side with big red permanent marker pen circles drawn round me and the waiter.
He didnt speak to me for days. Now if I mention going out he sarcastically will often bring up the " sweaty dirty cunt I danced with" or says I had strippers at the meal. I've told him repeatedly its not true.

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

Sorry for hijack.

You would absolutely NOT be fraudulent calling Women's Aid.

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

That's what they could help you with :)

Or if you can't bear to do that, you could try posting a thread in Relationships about this.

Women's aid. Please call them. You aren't a fraud, he's extremely abusive. You don't need to be assaulted to be abused. Emotional abuse is more insidious and gets right inside your psyche.

Reframe your question why don't you leave a controlling man after
23years
If you're unhappy,you need to consider leaving him.he'll not change
Do you feel compelled to stay because he's unwell

I have a thread in relationships Im sorry.

I know I need to do this.
Thank you. I just love to read here as you all seem so strong and that's what I want for my dds.

Thanks.

Planning a night out at weekend, drinking and dancing, with girl friends.

Put it this way. What would be an acceptable "safe" evening out for you then? Male attention can come from anywhere, people meet men pretty much in every space as they make up 50% of the population. TBH he really sounds very controlling, he hasn't told you no but he made you doubt whether you should do something totally normal like hang out with friends. Let me guess he doesn't go ut much himself right?

Why shouldn't he trust you around men?

How do you leave a controlling man after 23 years.

I'd much rather feel I had wasted 23 years than 40... or when it really is too late :(

You may want to read up on emotional abuse online - or purchase the book "why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

then see if your partner fits the descriptions in that...

Crikey you would not think I sounded strong if you saw my posts from four or five years ago. I owe at least half of my current strength to mumsnet, the wonderful women who post here and the amazing advice and insight provided too. The rest comes from just doing it and living it and doesn't come quickly... but it comes and it's a great feeling.

My fiance once murmured a tiny bit of disquiet about me going to a party when he was elsewhere for the weekend. I pointed out that he goes out without me lots ( I work quite a few weekends); and that yes there would be ALCOHOL and there would be BOYS and though I was not going to be doing kissing I was definitely going to be doing dancing, drinking, and Having A Great Time, since I am a grown adult. He wished me a nice time.
Any time he does the face of mild concern when I'm putting on makeup ( I don't usually wear much), I smile heartily and apply another layer of mascara. This is as close as he gets to jealousy/possessiveness and that's as far as it goes, cos I don't pander to it at all.
Give him a big hug and a kiss on your way out and when you come back in but don't compromise your night out an inch- wear the dress, shoes and makeup you were going to anyway and stay out as long as you were going to anyway.

A few days too late to add to this meaningfully but if you're still reading, crikeybill - my ex was like that for one year of courting + 23 years of marriage. He had a thing about me and Greek waiters too! I was very naive, I thought he'd get better once we got married - maybe after a decade or so - maybe when I got middle-aged and fat... he never got better, worse if anything, until I simply could not live like it any longer. To be fair, there were a few other issues, but the jealousy was the thing that split us up. The divorce came through just half a year before our 25th anniversary. It can be done.

noddingoff I agree with your point, but I think there's a risk it may be misinterpreted as 'if you respond right then they don't get any worse', which is a subtle form of victim blaming. I am sure that's not what you meant at all but it could be interpreted that way.

it's an interesting one, because we do get into interpersonal habits of 'push me, pull you' etc and fall into less-than-ideal interaction patterns with our partners. But even if I did play along and pander to the jealous twattery, the man in my life absolutely has the power to a)realise he is being awful and b)stop. Thankfully DH is not like this at all but you get my drift.

op, my best advice to you is to accept your partner's opinion as just that (because he is allowed an opinion, after all) but not let it cast a shadow on your plans to go out and have a good time.

Get out of your marriage, OP. You have a man who doesn't consider women fully human, and he will get worse, not better. Read the rest of the thread..

Of course my DP's feelings matter. I can't imagine him being worried about me going out for a night dancing with friends though