Husbands, equality and breadwinning

[funnyvalentine]

My husband and I have 2 young kids (I'm just back at work after 2nd maternity leave), and I've just been offered a great opportunity to take on a well paid senior role. After more than 4 years of disrupted working from pregnancy/leave, it's a great chance to get my career back on track. This comes at a time when his career is floundering a little and he's struggling to find the next promotion. Though, realistically, we only need one of us to work to support the family.

On the surface, my husband believes in equality etc. and has really encouraged me in going for the senior job. But I think deep down he feels the need to be breadwinner and support the family, just like his dad was. I've always earned less than him due to the career I chose, so now I think we're both struggling a bit with the idea of a switch in work status.

Anyone been through similar?

NC, the average age at first marriage is now only 2 years less for women than men, I think.

That is interesting about the age of marriage. DH & I are of an age - I am a teeny bit older, in fact. I wonder if that minor point could have made such a contribution to the equality of our relationship.

Ithaka, I think if a family can live on either salary, it's less of an issue but if it's tight and an extra £1-£2,000 pa makes all the difference, there's an obvious economic choice, which just so happens to be in line with cultural pressures...

I agree that the acid test is not who earns the most, it's who is the default staying at home when child is sick, has an appointment etc. That has generally fallen to me because my role is more flexible than DH's, though that is changing of late. Given that I do all the school admin, I've taken to putting DH's number down as the primary ICE number, with mine as back up - not least to remind school (which is terribly stuck in the 60s re parental roles) that dads are responsible too.

DH & I were a couple for a few years before we had a family, so the swapping/sharing of roles was well ingrained. Plus, unlike some people, we didn't see the need to have our own house etc before starting a family - we had our first child in a one bed rented flat.

Basically, we haven't prioritised earning money over having flexibility in our careers. I could have married a man who would have earned a lot more than DH, I knew when I married him he would never be 'alpha' & support me financially & I didn't expect or want that.

I think if you want a man to support you financially, as some women still seem to, that will lead to a different dynamic in your relationship.

I dont know if age makes a difference. I think it is down to whether your DH really deep down believes in gender equality or not. Mine does and that is, i think, due to my MIL. he saw her working his whole life in high profile roles (governor of the BBC etc) while bringing up 5 kids. Thats his normality. Thank god for MIL because his attitude genuinely is "what would make you happy and how can I support that?".

Dh is 6 yrs older than me FWIW. But not quite as clever

In fact should that be a message for my DDs? Only marry a man who had a working mother?!