Is men pooing a feminist issue?

[coldwinter]

Just been on another thread elsewhere, where women are complaining about the amount of time their DP's take to poo in the toilet. Strangely enough, for some it always seems to happen when things are hectic with the kids .

So I think this is a feminist issue. After all, mums can't just bugger off to have a 30 or 45 minute poo leaving young children unattended outside. But some fathers routinely do this, leaving their DP's to cope alone with the kids.

[hellsbells76]

Back on topic, my unlamented ex used to wait until we were all ready to go out somewhere and then disappear for a 20 minute poo, making us late and stressing me out. With hindsight, part of a pattern of twattish controlling behaviour.

[Stravy]

DH does this, but it's just massive long shits rather than childcare avoidance. He's done it ever since I've known him, so years with no childcare commitments and he frequently will sit on the downstairs toilet and attempt to engage me in conversation while I potter about and dcs aren't even here. He also phones me from work when he's on the toilet because he is 'bored' . Frankly I think it's weird to have full on conversations whilst having a poo. His brothers do the same thing and one of them hasn't even got any kids.

[unfortunatedischarge]

Dh used to do this. I think he genuinely didn't realise at first due to not being the primary care giver. He was soon retrained that if I had managed to hold it all day or in some horrible occasions go while surrounded by a screaming newborn and a 12 month old he could bloody wait until he was of "duty" or at least give me a heads up.

[BelfastBloke]

How disgusting of Lukesmum to put a camera in a bathroom.

How disgusting of her to dictate how someone else should masturbate.

[BadSeedsAddict]

I call troll on Lukesmum. It was the 'despicable actions' bit that alerted me.

[SunshineSuperNova]

I don't think it's necessarily a childcare thing. I don't have children, but both my XP and DH spend much, much longer on the pot than I care to.
XP would spend an hour, and read the Sunday Times, FFS.

[TheCrumpetQueen]

The way that, as women, we often take the default responsibility for the children. We feel that, to absent ourselves

This is spot on for me too.

For a couple of weeks now I've just been removing myself from ds and dp and doing what I need to do, like he does.

[sandyseagull]

Putting a camera in the bathroom...if your fella did this what would you say or do?
If he's giving himself a pbw...what are you getting stressed at him for when you could obviously do something for him...if you get my meaning.

Seriously get a grip...you put a camera in the bathroom to spy on him because you thought he was cheating on you...you then found out he's having to service himself because your obviously not...most likely because your under the assumption he's cheating on you...

The next time he "goes to the bathroom"...stop him...take him in the bedroom...finish the job!

[PenguinsDontEatPancakes]

Shall we all just take our hint from the fact that Lukesmum had subsequent posts deleted and assume we don't need to worry too much about the supposed bathroom camera? And that we don't need lots of new posters trying to keep it going?

[Boosterseattheballcleaner]

Sandseagull Oh do fuck off.

[ClamorOfTheAges]

Men and women handle stress differently. Men often need to collect their thoughts when they are under a lot of pressure. Maybe it's something you should talk with your DP about?

[SinisterSal]

Do they?
There's a huge spread of the way stress is handled but does it break down into gender lines?
I would have thought it's more of an introvert/extrovert personality type thing.

Me & Dh, introverts, withdraw into shell until worked through it internally. Both of us would love to lock ourselves in the bathroom, alone gloriously alone, while chaos reigns in the kitchen. But that would be leaving the other in the lurch, so we don't much

[ClamorOfTheAges]

SinisterSal

Yup! The reason he locks himself in is probably because he feels he's angry, but isn't allowed to express it. It helps to cool off on the bathroom, because it's the only way he can gather his thoughts. Women react very differently to stress, so....

[YoniBottsBumgina]

There are two totally separate issues.

One is if men feel able to absent themselves from family duties for any reason, for a nap, poo, to do a time consuming hobby, whatever, but their female partners do not, and it's usually because the responsibility for all the actual responsible stuff to do with the DC such as remembering that they need feeding and starting the dinner in time, getting them dressed in the mornings, starting the bedtime routine at the appropriate time, keeping them clean in the general course of the day, cleaning up after them when too young to do so/encouraging them to clean up after themselves, noticing if their behaviour is different to usual indicating they may be tired/hungry/ill/about to whack their sister - if this stuff falls to the mother when both parents are present then she's much less likely to feel that she can "check out" of parenting, even for half an hour or so. In my experience (of both) when you have a partner who actively takes on these roles and thinks nothing of it, then it's no big deal to disappear off for half an hour at a time. I've been known to accidentally fall asleep in the day whereas with XP I wouldn't have been able to relax enough to do so, similar to when I am on my own with DS.

The other one is a control issue as hellsbells describes. I remember a thread on MN a while ago where a poster's ex would insist on coming into her house to do a really smelly shit every time he picked the DC up for contact, even though he only lived down the road

How long it takes someone to do a poo and/or what they choose to do in the bathroom in private is totally and utterly irrelevant.

I suppose there's another thing though about how it's acceptable for men to poo/fart openly whereas for women it is considered disgusting or taboo. So in a way we are socialised to poo quickly so that nobody guesses you are going for a poo rather than a wee. Men don't seem to have embarrassment over this issue. I used to work with blokes who would openly announce they were off for a poo whereas I've never heard a woman openly admit to this at work.

[YoniBottsBumgina]

OK the order of my paragraphs is a bit weird there. But all the points I wanted to make exist in some order!

[SinisterSal]

I don't buy that Clamor sorry!

Everyone gets angry and stressed, and feels like they have to swallow those feelings, and everyone wants to gather their thoughts - it's not a gender thing surely.
the only thing that you could reduce to gender is why males feel they are entitled to 'indulge' in that feeling where women carry on doing their duty (if indeed that is happening at all)

[ClamorOfTheAges]

For males it's typical fight/flight response to stress. Adrenaline and cortisol starts pumping. Males blank out and often become unresponsive or slow-thinking, and are unable to think critically in general (Which is why they want to gather their thoughts). They become defensive, and are also likely to run. In an argument, a lot of males will misinterpret a females attempts to connect and solve the situation as personal attacks.

For females it's different, in that they along with the two other hormones also release high levels of oxytocin. This makes them determined to reach out. They feel anxiety, and also feel that the only way to resolve that anxiety, is to connect emotionally with someone. They try to share what it is that makes them feel bad. Unfortunately, if the male is also stressed out in that situation, he is likely to think that she is accusing him.

So arguments or stressful situations often create an environment, where women are desperate to connect with others, in order to deal with their anxiety. Unfortunately, men are incapable of doing so if they are experiencing that stress themselves, and they will therefore tend to hide.

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/men-and-stress_b_3430607.html

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Ha ha. Love that Huffington post link! A load of evo-psych bull with a DM link thrown in! What more could you ask for?

Remember girls - you're nurturing and caring and the man is the problem solver. Know your place.

[ClamorOfTheAges]

women.webmd.com/features/stress-women-men-cope

[Stravy]

If anyone is so stressed by throwing some pasta in a pan or running a bath that they have to hide in the bathroom then there is a problem.

[ClamorOfTheAges]

Stravy

Indeed. Which is why I say: Talk with your partner.