Am I wrong to let my daughter enjoy being girly then?

[pictish]

DD is four - she will be five in Feb. I have two sons as well.

I have never encouraged or acknowledged a marked differentiation between the sexes, regards their interests and clothing. I always steered away from that stuff, letting them make their own minds up.

However, dd has embraced girliness wholeheartedly. She loves pink, and dresses, and My Little Pony and all things sparkly. In the interests of autonomy, and cultivating her own tastes, I don't mind it in the least.

I am starting to feel though, that through reading MN, unless she is playing football in bovver boots, I am doing her a disservice.
My mil (who is lovely really) is rolly eyed about all things pink and girly, and can't resist from making little comments about it. "Oh that's a very fancy dress" (sarcastic).

I have explained that the girliness is her own choice, and just what she happens to like, but I think it goes over her head...mil wants to think it's me pushing this onto her. It isn't.

I sometimes wonder if, in the quest for equality, we sometimes go too far the other way, and heap scorn upon girls who want to be girly? I feel the need to defend my dd's right to love pink and sparkly, as it is now heralded as so deeply uncool.

I thought it was all about offering choices...but nowadays (particularly on MN) it seems as though a girl being girly is a failure.

Anyone?

My DD went through a phase of not dreaming of wearing trousers.

Do I get points?

pictish I just saw your mention of TPBP on another thread from this morning

Nice coincidence!

I am against ANY gender stereotype, whether it's for boys or girls.
And as people have pointed out before, there are plenty of stereotype for girls (the dinosaur with long long eye lashes) and there are plenty of stereotype for boys too (you know the war stuff, guns and camouflage type of stuff, even for 18 months old).

I want men and women to be treated as equal so I am against all stereotype and prejudice.
I think that very pink, glossy 'girly' clothes do reinforce the 'girly' stereotype of the passive little girl that says and does little but smile sweetly and looks good. So I am not fond of them at all.
I think that the 'boyish' clothes full of guns, battle, monsters etc.. reinforce the 'boyish' stereotype of the strong little boy that is always fighting and needing to prove he is the strongest. I am not fond of these either.

So I do consciously avoid them.
It's not about refusing to let a little girl being a girl and a little being a boy. It's about letting grow to be the people they can be rather than the one the society is steering them towards.
And let's be honest. At 5yo, you can say No to a child. You can dictate what they wear or not even if they 'really really' like such item of clothing. And as I see it, you can protect them a little bit from some (unsuitable) influence.

There's a difference between liking pink and sparkly stuff because that is what you really like and liking it because it has been fed to you constantly in subtle and non-subtle ways throughout your life. First one = fine, 2nd one = not fine. It's also worth noting that liking pink and liking mud are not mutually exclusive.

But anyway re. your DD, if she is happy, then just be happy for her. As long as she is never made to feel that girlworld is second best (and the idea that it is has never IM personal E come from feminists but from men who look down on "frivolity") then that is A-ok.

Feminism is two-pronged IMO: it seeks to give women the same opportunities & freedoms as men but also seeks to elevate the status of that which is traditionally considered to be feminine.

OP, have you got my dd3 there? she has spent most of the summer in this http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Tu-age-6-girls-butterfly-summer-dress-with-belt-/221269543716?nma=true&si=dEm9g6rEp2TIoUjGJXJz04H9fPw%253D&orig_cvip=true&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2557#ht_78wt_958 dress getting up to her usual mischief, skating, cycling, playing in the mud etc. the amount of comments we've had about how she might ruin it (its washes up well btw) is unreal. dd3 doesn't always act 'girly' (whatever that may mean) but is the dd with the most dresses in her wardrobe. she is also the most likely to be instigating water fights etc.

she is who she is, and I will embrace that. they are indiviuals, and should be treated as such.

Of course I can say no...but I don't need or want to. Wearing a pink dress today, will not turn her into a simpering drip tomorrow ffs.

this dress

Pictish, I think you're being a bit sensitive. No one is saying that wearing a pink dress will turn her into a simpering drip tomorrow.

But pictish, would you also be happy to buy monters/guns/army stuff for a boy?

No one I think has said that girls can NOT wear any dresses or that they can't have pink stuff.
But one outfit so called 'girly' in a wardrobe is one thing. A wardrobe full of that stuff and more or less only that is another.

And no it won't transform her. But it will shape her beliefs as to what is OK to do.

I think that when she is 8, she will think that pink is for babies and Little Ponies are for babies.

misdee, you see I really like that dress and would no issue with that.

The problem I have personally with clothes is for DS is that they are not colourful and always seem to have football or "I'm so much trouble" slogans which he doesn't like.

I think that girls have more freedom because it is more acceptable for a girl to wear a boy's t-shirt than for a boy to wear so-called "girly" colours.

it is rather delicate looking dress. and really isn't a playing out dress. my only rule is wear when the weather is warm as its thin. it has survived the summer, so has been worth the £13 we paid for it in the spring :)

But the reason girls can wear boy things is that being a boy is basically aspirational. A boy being a girl is demeaning. Hence why there is no male version of tom boy (sissy is as close as it gets).

Blueberry I agree. I am happy for her to enjoy this now, because it makes her quite happy, and it certainly won't last.

I have never bought Army themed stuff for my lads, no. They never wanted it.

Dd wears plenty of hand me downs from her brother actually. She's not perpetually in pink, or anywhere close to it. She just happens to prefer it at this stage, given the choice (which I don't always) and I think that's ok.

KaseyM - that's because it's okay for girls to aspire to being boys but boys would some how be lessened by being ' girly' . But people don't seem to realise that that's the message they're putting across.

So true, Penguins.

KaseyM - that's because it's okay for girls to aspire to being boys but boys would some how be lessened by being ' girly' . But people don't seem to realise that that's the message they're putting across.

Sorry for the double post - took ages for it to appear then appeared twice ...

And penguins had said basically the same thing but better

No. I think your addition was important. People don't see that that is what underlies it. They see female preferential treatment.

@ WoT. I feel the same whenever a (male) friend of mine bangs on about women having doors opened for them as if it's some kind of goddess treatment!

Sorry... I realise that's a bit off-topic ....

Urgh, the doors thing, yes because being treated like a fragile little petal is a privilege .

Pictish, just thinking again about your MIL's reaction and trying to deconstruct it.

Is there a chance that she does the eye-rolly thing about the fancy dresses and the tutu not really because they are so 'girly' but because they are slightly 'grand' or 'outlandish' for everyday wear? As in, in her day, tutus and glittery stuff (and their small-boy equivalents, capes and swords) would probably have been confined to the realm of the dressing-up box special occasion wear. So the eye-roll might be rooted in a kind of disapproval re. things not being 'proper' maybe she feels that children should know their place and dress appropriately and not get pandered to when they want to wear something 'unsuitable'? She probably has no clue that it the tutu costs £6, for example.

I just wonder because I've heard a few grandmothers friends of MIL grumble vaguely about this kind of thing but they don't quite know what they're grumbling about...because otherwise they love nice little dresses on their grandchildren, soft cardis, the works.

Could it be that?

I love pink .....so do my three daughters!!! Woohooo