Am I wrong to let my daughter enjoy being girly then?

[pictish]

DD is four - she will be five in Feb. I have two sons as well.

I have never encouraged or acknowledged a marked differentiation between the sexes, regards their interests and clothing. I always steered away from that stuff, letting them make their own minds up.

However, dd has embraced girliness wholeheartedly. She loves pink, and dresses, and My Little Pony and all things sparkly. In the interests of autonomy, and cultivating her own tastes, I don't mind it in the least.

I am starting to feel though, that through reading MN, unless she is playing football in bovver boots, I am doing her a disservice.
My mil (who is lovely really) is rolly eyed about all things pink and girly, and can't resist from making little comments about it. "Oh that's a very fancy dress" (sarcastic).

I have explained that the girliness is her own choice, and just what she happens to like, but I think it goes over her head...mil wants to think it's me pushing this onto her. It isn't.

I sometimes wonder if, in the quest for equality, we sometimes go too far the other way, and heap scorn upon girls who want to be girly? I feel the need to defend my dd's right to love pink and sparkly, as it is now heralded as so deeply uncool.

I thought it was all about offering choices...but nowadays (particularly on MN) it seems as though a girl being girly is a failure.

Anyone?

[OrmirianResurgam]

I don't know why anyone is surprised that little girly like all things 'girly'. You might not be encouraging them to do so but our culture is saturated with images of 'girliness' being desirable and the best ways to attain it.

I want my daughter to grow up to be a woman who is proud of being a woman. But that shouldn't restrict her in any of her choices.

[TheBookofRuth]

I have to admit to not liking the idea of my DD becoming a girly girl (she's only 20 months so I'm sure I've got it to come) but then I asked myself if it was something I'd stop a DS doing, if I had one. If I had a son who liked pink and playing with dolls and having tea parties, I wouldn't dream of stopping him, because I wouldn't want to force him to conform to a typical masculine role. So surely it would be unfair of me to put similar restrictions on my little girl?

[FaddyPeony]

Ruth, I also have a 20month old girls and I feel uneasy sometimes seeing just how much influence we as mothers have on our daughters! I love clothes and style and I wear make-up; I'm fine with all of this now and feel like I have a healthy attitude towards it all. But I'll admit that I got a little freaked when I was home-waxing my legs the other day and DD started getting in on the job by applying old bits of sellotape to her own legs... She also adores rifling through my wardrobe and making oooh noises when I try stuff on for an evening out, etc. But I think little boys would do this too - I don't have a son so can't say.

Anyway, it's more important to me that DD sees her dad doing stuff around the house, ironing his own shirts, cooking for her, taking her out and dressing her, that kind of thing, so that it's not just mama who is associated with all things domestic and sartorial. Because I honestly believe that this is where the battle for equality is mostly being fought - in the home. I don't really have any dolls for DD, and I won't be going out and buying Disney Princess stuff. That said, I don't really think it matters. The only thing I will insist on is a wide variety of books.

[YoniTime]

No matter what colours she wears, the most important thing is to encourage self-confidence, and that she can do anything she wants (for example wearing pink doesn't mean she can't also like sports or science). And also that her looks isn't the most important thing about her, that there are other lovely sides and strenghts to her.

[MrsFlorrick]

My 4 yo DD loves pink and purple. But doesn't like dolls and loves playing with train track.

My 2 yo DS is obsessed with lip balm and lip stick. Begs me for lip stick in shops. And tries to take lip balms from my drawers and handbag and stock pile them in his room. He did ask for blue lipstick last week though.

[WiddleAndPuke]

Of course YANBU.
I know what you mean about a certain subset of MN. You get the feeling that unless you're actually raising your daughter as a boy you're somehow sending her the message that she should aspire to being barefoot, pregnant and chained to the sink.

I think you're fine.

In fact I'll go further - the only time I ever wish I'd had a girl is when I go shopping with my friend (who's got a toddler DD) and I can fondle all the cute pink stuff. I can confidently say that if I'd had a girl she'd have spent the first year or so of her life in a froth of pink and probably longer depending on her personal taste and at what age it manifested itself.

If she likes pink and frills let her bloody wear pink and frills!

[TheHeadlessLadyofCannock]

The only things I've seen scorn heaped on are shops for genderising their products and telling consumers 'This is for boys and this is for girls', grandparents/ILs etc hoicking their bosoms at any child not seen to be wearing the 'correct' kind of clothes or doing the 'correct' activity for their gender (boys playing with prams, girls in blue dungarees etc), and posters saying things like 'What's wrong with me wanting my DD to look like a girl?' and then not engaging if anyone tries to unpick the term and what it means.

I think a lot of little girls (and probably boys too) have a pink phase. As long as she is comfortable (and her dress sounds ace) and has the option to wear and do other things that aren't necessarily considered 'girly' then what's the problem?

[YoniTime]

Your son needs MrsFlorrick!

[DontmindifIdo]

In this debate I always remember this picture - basically its her picking pink thats the problem, it's if she's only provided with various pink/girly options. If she's picking the pink and fluffy options let her, take lots of photos to shame her with if she decides to be emo in a decades time....

[FairPhyllis]

MN feminists wouldn't be down on your DD for being a girly girl. I am a feminist and I have all kinds of sparkly joy in my life.

They would however be down on a society which promotes a certain way of being a young girl (ie pink and sparkly shit and passive role models) above all the other ways a young girl could be.

And your DD hasn't made her choices in a vacuum, or even just by looking to you. She has made them by looking at her peers' clothing and toys, the attitudes of other adults in her life, the marketing she sees around her in any shop she goes in, the roles she sees assigned to women and girls in books/TV/real life ...

[YoniTime]

YY LadyofCannock.

[FacebookWanker]

That makes it so much worse Penguins. I wish they would just let toys be toys.

[PenguinsDontEatPancakes]

Not sure if the link will work, but this is Lego Friends, the 'girl' range. Essentially it is generic girl toys - dolls, shops, beauty parlours - made of lego. What happened to the building and imagining

[PenguinsDontEatPancakes]

Yes, and if you look at it objectively it makes no sodding sense. A child's outfit probably costs much the same as another child's outfit (in the sense that, from a given retailer, a boy outfit, a dress, and leggings and a t-shirt probably add up to the same amount).

So why is it that dress = be careful, keep it clean, look pretty. I assume it goes back to women as decorative and girls wearing dresses 'acting female'. But it is enraging.

[elfycat]

My DDs like to dress up in pretty sparkly dresses. I figure it's a magpie attraction and that it's fine for girls to have this. I think boys have this desire to but that they are usually refused the opportunity to wear fabulous and decorated fabrics. I think that's a shame.

DDs (4.5 and 3) put on pretty dresses on Sunday and then went out in the garden to play with the large digger toys (On gravel) and collect snails. They insisted I put on a pretty dress to so I dug out an old one from my formal party days --long gone- and floated around the house all day. If anyone had knocked on the door I'd have felt daft but I'm sure I'll do it again

They have toys aimed at girls (pink dolls), boys (large diggers) and plenty of neutral puzzles, books, building blocks. I'm not going to encourage lego 'friends' and will probably start a 'city' collection. But I wouldn't refuse them 'friends' if they picked it out when I'm letting them pick something.

Pretty dresses are not the problem. It is the strange attitude that suggests that by wearing a dress you somehow are incapable of other activities. The solution is not to avoid pinkness. It's to allow pinkness and encourage everything else, and not allow stupidity to rule.

[pictish]

My DDs like to dress up in pretty sparkly dresses. I figure it's a magpie attraction and that it's fine for girls to have this. I think boys have this desire to but that they are usually refused the opportunity to wear fabulous and decorated fabrics. I think that's a shame.

I agree.

[Branleuse]

I think its fine to let her to play with gender stereotyped things, as long as you encourage her to broaden her tastes too.

My dd thinks all these MLP and barbie etc are lovely, but ive pulled her up on it if she starts talking about how some things are for girls and some things are for boys, and i try and subtly push towards more powerful girly things, like wonder woman and supergirl and Ive talked to her about how silly I think it is that SOME PEOPLE think girls only like pink, when when I was a little girl, we had toys in all sorts of rainbow colours, and girls and boys played with what they liked, and werent told that we could only like certain colours.

My mum was a spare rib feminist and always dressed me in dungarees, and I STILL remember when she refused to buy me the dainty shoes i was desperate for, and bought me a pair of monkey boots instead. Im taking a slightly more open minded approach, and letting my dd have a bit more choice, but encouraging her to think about it

[SmokedMackerel]

I sometimes feel like the OP. I think it is because peopleoften type things like "my dd loves dolls and sparkly tiaras but she also likes climbing trees and rriding her bike" as though they were oppositional. It sometimes feels that if you say your dd likes girly things, then you have to quickly justify yourself and say all the rough and tumble things they like too.

If as an adult you said you preferred to wear skirts, and then hastily assured your listeners that you were a keen rock climber the would all be . But that seems to be the accepted script when talking about a child enjoying activities that are traditionally associated with girls. And it does give the strong impression that these activities are inferior

[78bunion]

it is not the activities though, it's the whole package. If she is dreaming of a wedding and not having a career that will have a major impact on her life and life chances.
If she is spending hours in front of mirrors in due course rather than studying her school books she might well not have such a good life.
So do encourage the other side of things too and outside activities.
You can buy books which show women in jobs rather than as home makers and that kind of thing which worked very well for us.

[YoniTime]

By the way I think the cartoon MLP Friendship is magic is a good one for girls to watch. The main characters are female friends who are all different: One is sporty and likes to compete, one is into sewing and fashion, one is shy and likes animals, one loves books and studying, one is well weird and one is a hard-working farmer.

[fleacircus]

The main characters are female friends who are all different: One is sporty and likes to compete, one is into sewing and fashion, one is shy and likes animals, one loves books and studying, one is well weird and one is a hard-working farmer. A range of strong, interesting female characters is good - but I wish they didn't have to be 'types' like that. DD is 5; sometimes she's shy, sometimes she's competitive, she loves reading but she loves climbing trees; like most real girls, she's not just one set of attributes and it bothers me that popular culture presents girls in that way.

[fleacircus]

I think what I mean is, it shouldn't be a 'choice' for girls - you can be girly, or you can be a tomboy. You can be sporty, or you can be bookish. Surely that's just one step on the way to you can be 'hot' or 'clever', a 'good' girl or a 'skank'?

[5madthings]

there is nothing wrong with her liking pink and princess and sparkly, what is wrong is that they are seen as only girls things and thus inferior.

it should be ok for boys to like them as well!