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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Surnames

139 replies

Rollermum · 28/07/2013 13:41

Hey all

The post below about joint accounts, and a batch of particularly annoying post got me thinking about surnames and my baby (due 6th Sep).

I am married and haven't changed my name. My title is Dr and before that was Ms. I registered our move w various utilities and got post to us both w DH name first (as in the joint accounts thread). Same post brought some lovely cards from family members but all calling me variously wrong names: Mrs DHSurname, Miss MySurname etc.

I had been planning that the baby will have our joint surnames (diuble barrelled) whilst we both just keep our own names. But lately I've been thinking this will complicate the name situation in our house even more. I can envisage years of bday cards from well meaning relatives with just my husband's surname.

Any thoughts on how to deal with this? I have never wanted to change my name but lately I've just been fed up of it. I'd like us to feel like a family unit. My sister didn't change her name and is constantly correcting people that they are married. Also I just can't imagine my child not having my name (at least in part).

Finally I'd happily double barrel but DH isn't prepared to do the same - so I won't either!

I guess my name feeling vague is ok but want the baby to have a clearer one!

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 31/07/2013 20:32

It means that civil partnerships would be available to heterosexual couples.

TiredyCustards · 31/07/2013 20:44

I got married a couple of weeks ago and have kept my name. The thought of changing it made me very uncomfortable, we've been together 10 years and have 2 dc (they have dh's surname), getting married, to me, is mainly a legal thing and living and having dc together are much bigger changes iyswim.

Threw the 'helpful' list of who to change your name with (banks etc) and the dc re-registration forms straight in the bin!

Original poster

Rollermum · 31/07/2013 20:44

Thanks for all the thoughts and responses everyone. Glad to see some others feel the same way about not necessarily going with the norm as a matter of course and have dealt with it in various ways.

On the marriage issue I can see the roots are not great but I think it has moved on for the reasons people have mentioned. I think marriage opening up to all is a very significant gain in this area.

OP posts:

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 20:45

Why would that be different from a wedding to heterosexuals, sorry if I sound a bit thick

Snowgirl1 · 31/07/2013 20:46

It's just a name. You don't change as a person when you change your name. What's important is your values and personality, not your name.
I changed my name when I married because I wanted to represent being united as a married couple - and partly because I couldn't be arsed with all the hassle of people getting confused as to what my surname was and also because if we had children I wanted us all to have the same surname. I liked my maiden name and my married name is very common. But I got used to my married name very quickly and changing name hasn't changed me as a person.

TiredyCustards · 31/07/2013 20:46

Re double barreling - if everyone did this, when the next generation get married they'd be quadruple-barreled. It's unsustainable ... or something!

scottishmummy · 31/07/2013 20:48

Oh yes down with that kind of newfangled name thang
Much Easier to know your place and keep a man name?
With db name you can chose how to arrange it on marriage,it's not unsustainable at all

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 20:49

I could have written that Snowgirl1 I really don't get the fuss.I think its lovely we 5 of us have the same name its like we are a team

Treagues · 31/07/2013 20:51

But it's a team where you have agreed that you have less value than the man.
If you want an outward sign of being on the same team, why not both take that on and change to a different name?

scottishmummy · 31/07/2013 20:51

I team am in team we,not team he. I don't want his surname
The kids have our surname
No name is the dominant name,or team

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 20:57

I really don't agree that I have less value to a man because I have his name, I must have lived a very sheltered life I've never felt second rate to any man. Some of you must have known some right tools in your life

scottishmummy · 31/07/2013 20:59

And you must have tool.time that you need to take same name to feel lovely

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 21:03

I know my place

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 31/07/2013 21:06

Sonly, because civil partnerships are without some of the connotations of marriage eg father giving daughter away to husband. They give the legal protection without the historic baggage.

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 21:09

Oh Thank you Allen

NomNomDePlum · 31/07/2013 21:10

i am always completely perplexed by this, that intelligent women are prepared to just junk their key identifier in the public sphere upon marriage. i just don't understand it.

but my dcs have my name - i built them with my body, with attendant damages, (carrying them is an astonishing, belittling euphemism, imo) and i think their having my name is a public testament to that. naturally, they are free to dump the name if they feel like doing so when they are grown, but i do hope they won't do so because tradition identifies them (both girls) as the less important parties in whatever relationships they choose to have in adulthood.

takeaway2 · 31/07/2013 21:16

Fwiw I kept my surname at work, with the banks etc. however I go around as Mrs dh's surname for the purposes of the school and drs. The dc have dh's surname. My DS however recently realized that mummy was the only one who wasn't a dh's surname (because I get post in my surname) and so decided he wanted to db his name. He is 5.

We have friends who use mums surname as a middle name, others who db their name and their kids names whilst dh keeps his own name, still others who took turns in keeping their surname (dc1 her name, dc2 his name, dc3 her name...).

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2013 21:18

My DS is nearly two, and we've gone with your plan. For the most part it's fine and DS being double-barrelled (Mylast-DHlast) has actually made some of his older family (and mine) more aware/accepting of the fact I didn't change my name.

Get an address stamp or stickers made for you and DH. Somehow this seemed to convince people that these are our 'official' names.

When DS was born we sent thank you cards with his picture and full name on the front, to help point people in the right direction.

We've never had a piece of post to him misaddressed, though I still get the occasional personal thing. DH's family sometimes get the double-barrelling round the wrong way in informal situations though I'm hoping it's unintentional.

It's a pain, but it works for us.

Lottapianos · 31/07/2013 21:22

'Sonly, because civil partnerships are without some of the connotations of marriage eg father giving daughter away to husband. They give the legal protection without the historic baggage.'

Completely agree that civil partnership is a much more attractive option. Peter Tatchell and the Equal Love website are still campaigning to have CPs extended to hetero couples - more info at www.equallove.org.uk if you're interested.

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2013 21:34

Sorry, meant to say 'occasionally a pain'!

I see the tired old canard about inevitable quadruple barrelling has come out. Wondered how long that would take. I'm happy for my kid(s) to do whatever suits them, but I quite like the idea of a boy passing on his father's name and a girl her mother's.

For the record:

My connection with DS is that I'm his mother; DH's is that he's DS's father. Don't need names for a connection.
DH, DS and I are a team. We feel like a team. Amazingly, we have achieved this without sharing a name.

sonlypuppyfat · 31/07/2013 21:39

Thats really super for you Jassy its just not what I wanted and I thought that was what we were talking about. I just wanted us all to be the same. Tradition is very important to us.

wherearemysocka · 31/07/2013 21:42

That's fine and your choice sonly. Doesn't make you more married than anyone else though.

JassyRadlett · 31/07/2013 21:42

Sonly, your choices are your own. I think a blithe 'tradition is important to us' is not a great thing because there are plenty of societal traditions that are actively damaging, but that's up to you.

However you suggesting, even obliquely, that sharing a name makes a family feel more of a 'team' is flat-out baseless and needed challenging.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 31/07/2013 21:46

Sonly, there's two aspects to that though - one is "all having the same name" and the other is "being traditional" - only the second means that the name under the first is DH's.

Original poster

Rollermum · 31/07/2013 21:52

Jassy - thanks for the label and photo suggestion. Great idea!

I love the idea of being a team but thinking about it DH and I have been a team for last 13 yrs and don't share a name so maybe it doesn't matter as much as I thought.

OP posts:

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