Responses to gender stereotyping children

[YoullLaughAboutItOneDay]

I am after a few ideas on how to handle gender stereotyping of my two daughters and I am hoping that this board is the right place to get some suggestions, not 'why does it bother you, it's fine' type stuff.

I have two daughters - 3 and 16 months. To take yesterday as an example, at playgroup DD2 was playing with a doll. Another mother was sitting next to her son, who was playing on a tractor. She says "Oh, just look at them, typical boy and typical girl." Later on I was having a chat with another mother about DD2's mad climbing (anything and everything, particularly if dangerous) and she said "Oh, just like having a boy then."

I haven't really responded to these comments, but I am conscious that particularly my three year old is old enough to really be picking up on these messages. DD2 too to an extent. I want them to feel free to be whoever they want and I am starting to feel more and more uncomfortable about them hearing this type of stuff without any correction from me. Likewise, I don't always want to start a feminist debate 20 times a day.

So, any ideas for reasonably gentle rebuttals that don't necessarily require my ten minute rant on Delusions of Gender?

Should point out that digerd's example is presumably from the 50s/60s if her sister is now 64.

Though I think there's a lot of the same now, and even more pressure in the looks arena, there are some breakthroughs too. "The next Jessica Ennis" quote would probably not have had quite the same impact - and not just because she hadn't been born!

Ahh, i'm gonna ask a little aibu here...
DS1 has a swimming party coming up. They offer pirate party bags for boys and princesses for girls.
I have said i'll have all pirates, as thats more relevant to swimming anyway! Aibu to make this choice on behalf of the girls at DSs party, or should it be up to their parents?

I believe the stock AIBU response is "Your party, your choice".

I would probably go with all pirates because my daughters would prefer pirates too. I don't think it's a big win for feminism though - ignoring traditional girly image in favour of a traditional boy-y one. I'm guessing all the pirates on the pirate bags are male, which gives girls a bit of an erased from life message.

I would ask you please don't give the swimming pool the idea they need to make the girl bags mermaid-y so they are in keeping with swimming. I hate mermaids more than princesses as a playrole pushed on girls.

It's a shame they can't just go for a big fish/sealife theme.

I haven't read through the whole thread but I think you can be surprisingly direct without being confrontational. Say something in the 'caring parent its hard to do the perfect job' tone, like:

"I'm quite conscious of not trying to stereotype them by gender - I think it gives them the best chance to find out who they are- do you see what I mean?"

As though they already agree. They will then say 'oh yes' - most people just want to make conversation so they won't want to get into an argument about it.

Meh.
I'm firmly of the nurture not nature belief, and hate to see children shamed and ridiculed into complying with gender stereotypes. However, as at the best of times I can slip into 'addressing a public meeting mode', I divert and counter these prejudices ideas later with my dcs.
It is a righteous fight, but for me not being mum who is constantly educating the great unwashed debating is more important.

I am sick of being told that it is because my ds is a boy. For example he loves breastfeeding because he's a boy. Mmmm yeah because girl children know they are going to get their own breasts one day so aren't arsed?

On the other hand I think its worth remembering a lot of people are just trying to make conversation at groups and are often quite sleep deprived and not really functioning properly.

Lambeth and Double - I agree with a lot of what you are saying. It isn't really about wanting to educate lots of mums, and as I said I do like a lot of these women and don't want to get into fights with them. I think the sleep deprived bit can be a bit of a red herring - if you didn't believe it deep down, you wouldn't say it even if sleep deprived. But I agree that they are just making conversation and don't want to be educated.

This is more about me wanting to be consistent for my daughters. I don't want to be a mum who picks them up on stereotypes at home and smiles and nods in public. I think that really undermines the sort of parent I want to be. That's why I was after suggestions that just put down a marker for DD, rather than necessarily having a big discussion with the other mother.

Interestingly, I have used mother in this for a reason. I find SAHM dads are less likely (in my limited experience) to do this, perhaps because they have stepped outside traditional gender roles themselves to do what they are doing.

I hear what you're saying about consistency. I also prioritise not gossiping in front of my dcs, so it's hard to counter.
For me, personally, because I have a tendency to hector, diverting or pretending not to hear is the best option.
Also, not all my interactions are with people I don't know. So for every time I've not engaged with someone saying 'typical boy/girl' my dcs have heard me bollock gently challenge mil, discuss how to challenge it with friends/ rant at the tv/ refuse to have women's magazines in the house, etc.

Beyond
I think pirates aren't that great a role-model for either sex!

but, maybe you could look up some of the famous women pirates and put a little blurb about them in all the bags? even the boys' bags in case they think girls can't be pirates

Double [snarfle]
that's fabulous!!! DD must be heading towards lesbianism then, because she can't get enough of BFing. obviously nothing to do with the fact that she's a great chubbing hungry girl!

Emmeline: I take your point about the 50s/60s if digerd's sister is 64 now. But, I am older than that so would have been at least digerd's sister's age in the 50s/60s. And it would have made me feel stabby then too!

I get what you are saying about wanting to be consistant for your daughters rather than being on a mission. I just know I find myself saying some stupid things that I don't even believe because I'm so chronically tired I can hardly see and I'm just trying to say something to another person - perhaps its just me?

I use something simple like, "I don't think boys and girls are that different actually. " if I don't want to openly snort in someone's face.