Giving DCs different surnames?

[somuchforanindiansummer]

I am posting this in FWR as I am looking for thoughts and input from like minded folk. I understand that this topic is frequented by MNers from right across the feminist spectrum (IYSWIM!) and threads can often turn into a bunfight about whether or not we are talking a load of shite. However, I really am looking for constructive input, so while contributions from anyone are welcome, I don't want to simply be told I am being ridiculous or any such thing without any helpful comments.

So, DP & I have a DS. If we do ever get married I would not change my surname. When I was pregnant with DS I was adamant that we come up with a fair way of deciding whose surname he got, as there was no way he was going to automatically get DP's. So we went with boy gets his/girl gets mine, which was fine with both of us except I lost . Now I am pregnant with DC2 and am thinking about surnames again. Again, I see no logical reason why s/he should automatically get DP's, but somehow it doesn't seem so easy to be adamant about it this time, as for him/her to have my surname would mean 2 kids with 2 different surnames. I am a great believer in what kids grow up with is normal for them, but equally, I don't of course want to single them out for a hard life.

Feedback so far from the topic coming up in conversation - and my response to it - includes:

"But how will they know they're siblings if they have different surnames?" - Err, we'll tell them...
"But it'd be confusing for them" - Really? Kids seem to cope with having different first names without too much confusion (and as I said, I do think kids can be far more accepting of the unusual than adults sometimes)
"But people will think they've got different fathers" - So the fuck what?

So while I have no problem digging my heels in and challenging norms when I feel it is needed, part of me wonders if it would be putting my feminist stubbornness above the interest of my kids. I can't decide if this is edging over into too-contrary-even-for-me territory... So I would be interested in others' thoughts, opinions & inputs on this - I'm not very good at 'picking my battles' - so help me decide whether this one is worth the trouble!

I have read op only. I will read everyone else's post once I have articulated my way.

I am married. Both dh and I kept our own names.

Dd has my name, ds has dh's.

A pair of siblings so in love with each other you will not meet.

Only dd is old enough to understand the name issue (nearly 7). She is (and always has been) aware that people can have different names.

Dh and I are proud that our children will (hopefully) have an outlook based on reality. Obviously the name issue is not the only feminist issue they will grow up being aware of.

Your way is going well here op!

Why can you only answer this if you are a feminist?? Im sorry but that really annoys me, is it like some sort of club that you can only join if you have a specific set of rules?

I am not a feminist (I have some feminist views, but i consider myself a woman, if i have to have a label at all!)

So, bearing in mind that my opinion wont matter a jot i will give it anyway.

I have two DDs, they both have different fathers, there is a considerable age gap. I am not married to my DP although we have been together for many years. Since DD1 was 2. When i became pregnant with my DD2, i was adamant that my baby would have my surname. This was because of DD1, i chose this route because I didn't want DD1 to feel "out of it" in terms of the family dynamic , this was a small way, in my mind, of keeping things coherant. It was never in my mind that i would leave my DP. It never really occured to me that she would have his name - we are not married, but even if we were to marry i would keep my name as i have a doctorate and wouldn't want to lose that. My DPs parents were not impressed and still refer to DD in cards with his surname. Thats their choice, im not going to get in a froth about it. DP isn't overly bothered about it either.

That is what i did - what someone else does is up to them.

Okay, now that I have read the other posts on the thread I will try to address the (perceived) issues.

Why on earth would the opinion of teachers make a difference to a life decision? I am a teacher and wouldn't dream of judging a child because they have a different surname to their sibling. I am disappointed that people in 2012 think that a child would receive negative treatment because of something outwith their control.

And as for siblings thinking that they are a favourite or not due to a decision made in the first 3 weeks of their life? Well I'm sure it's the day to day that resonates with most children. They are not daft in my experience.

A friend of my mum did as you are proposing, OP - although for slightly different reasons. One side of the family was nearly all boys, so the girl had that surname, and vice versa on the other. Something like that, anyway.

Never caused any problems at all that I'm aware of. No confusion on the part of the children as to their parentage or that one was loved more than the other. It's hardly the most complicated set-up for teachers to remember!

My ds has never asked me why I have a different surname to him, even though he knows I do. I don't think he thinks it's very important. I grew up in a large blended family where some people didn't even have the same first names as other people thought they did (my step-dad's ex-wife unilaterally changed her DD's name at the age of 11, so everyone who met her since then called her one name and we call her another). Sharing a surname was a luxury when I were a lass

Clearly it's important to some people to share a name. That's absolutely their call. If it's important to you to share the names in a different way - that's your right too, and you don't have to feel swayed by some of the mad arguments you've quoted in your opening post. "How will they know they are siblings?" - yes, everyone always asks for passport identification before admitting the person they are growing up with is a sibling

Hello OP, I have no answers i'm afraid but am glad that i have found this thread as i am in the same situation. i kept my name when i married DH and we agreed that that the first child would have his neam and the second child will have mine regardless of gender. but as it turns out 1st child is a dDS and 2nd is likely to be DD.

i come from a divorced family and have my dads name which suits me and i'm proud to have it, most of my dad's family are dead, including him so it is really important to me to pass his name on even if it stops with my DD (i won't try to force her to keep it or anything). my DH and i are at peace with this decision but MiL is visiting today and has gently expressed concernes about how this will affect DC's (when i say gently i am being genuine, she is a lovely lady). SHe is concerned that they will be confused by it and that other people will assume that they have different fathers.

i realise that this may be a selfish decision but like you i am wondering if i am going too far or have just bought into the hysteria that another poster mentioned. so am very interested to see what other think.

see, i told you i would be no help...

My DH has his fathers last name and his sister has her mums last name (luckily they had one boy and one girl!). There was never any confusion and they are both very happy with their names.

Some people mesh last names (e.g. Smith and Williamson would become Willith or Smithson) which is nice if your names are compatible like that (mine and DH's isn't )

We agreed to do this (over 20 yrs ago), girls mine, boys (nowex)dhs, then we had all girls and so they all had mine.

It really has caused no confusion at all - they are all adults now and simply explain to anyone who realises their father has a different name (and asks) that that was the decision their parents made. One dd talked about changing hers to her dads when she started secondary school but decided against it (now says she's glad she has myname not hisname). I think it's a good thing to make them aware that there is a choice in naming children and a choice about what they call themselves should they every marry.

The relatives on his side were a bit but soon got used to it his dad was OK once he realised any boys would be "hisname" - ironically we are all closer to his side of the family than mine as we moved to his hometown.

I was a teacher and lots of kids had siblings, half-siblings, step siblings, with all sorts of name combinations - they were never confused about what the relationships were

Why not just give both kids both surnames?

In my case because the names sound stupid together.

Ah ok. Well then, no I can't see a problem giving them different names.